The Road Less Fertilized

Lovng Being a Busy Mom

2012-01-16T15:52:00.002-07:00

My little angel just hit the 6 month mark and I am loving every minute being a mom. Days are busy and go by so fast. Some days I get sad knowing she is growing up so fast, but then I think that is stupid and chastise myself. I am so thankful every minute she is here and though journey was rough it was sooo worth it!

Baby's first Christmas was so fun and we felt so blessed. Everly was spoiled by everyone. But Santa I really owe you cause I got everything I wanted for Christmas : )

2011-11-29T09:54:00.001-07:00

2011-11-07T08:51:00.001-07:00

Everly Grace - Our Miracle

2011-07-15T02:43:00.003-06:00

Everly Grace welcomed to the world on July 12th (07-12) and weighting 7 lbs 12 oz. We are so blessed and happy. We thought this day would never come. Infertility is a nightmare experience for everyone, so coming to this point is unbelievable. All I can say is keep hoping and trying even when you feel defeated. And I wish everyone so much love and encouragement on their tough journeys which is so different for every single person.

Overstuffed Turkey

2011-06-22T21:26:00.002-06:00

I am in the midst of Week 38 and now I know what all those preggers were complaining about before -- I feel like an overstuffed turkey. And by no means is my belly as big as I have seen on some women, but man this is getting uncomfortable. At my last appt. the Dr. said there was no progress towards labor, so I guess this little gal likes it in there. I have somewhat lost my appetite as well and really have been losing weight rather than gaining in these last weeks.

Baby prep is going pretty well, her room is almost done. Just waiting for the dresser and chair to arrive. We still haven't purchased a crib mattress yet, but she won't be sleeping in it for awhile. We have the playpen with bassinet set up in our room. I have experienced some of those Braxton Hicks contractions, which aren`t very pleasant, but I`m sure nothing compared to the real thing.

Really hard to believe the big day is almost here! Over three years in the making.

34 Weeks

2011-05-22T20:55:00.003-06:00

Almost at 34 weeks and can hardly believe it! Can't wait to meet my baby girl. Started our prenatal classes and trying not to get freaked out about the whole birthing process. Every woman experiences a different birth so I can't get too caught up in what has happened with others. Thought at first I would do it all naturally, but I think I will remain open to an epidural. My DH is convinced I will so be getting an epidural, and he may be right. As long as she enters this world healthy and strong, that's all I care about. Would be nice if labor doesn't last too long though : )

2011-05-09T16:51:00.002-06:00

a smile only a mama can love

2011-04-03T10:51:00.001-06:00

2011-04-03T10:43:00.001-06:00

Out Out Damn Spots

2011-03-19T20:51:00.004-06:00

Wow, its very challenging dealing with these "hormonal" emotions that are always at the surface. Last week I started prescription treatment for a yeast infection, and a couple days into it I had some spotting. Of course I freaked just thinking something was wrong...crying and the whole bit. I think it was just because I was at the precipice of 24 weeks, which is a milestone I was desperate to cross without any hiccup. I called the Health Link and was hoping the nurse would tell me the spotting was connected to the medication or the yeast infection to put my mind at ease. Well, she didn't say that but told me to go see the doctor if it continued more than 2 days. It stopped after a couple days and I hadn't taken the medication for one because I didn't want it to start again. So, I resumed the medication because the nurse said that would be wise to not stop treating the infection. And three days later some more spotting. So, yesterday and today I have been on major underwear watch. Today it is fading and now I am wondering if it is related to the medication or to my Aquafit class. My class is on Thursday nights and both times the spotting started a day after the class. I am just going to take it easy as much as I can for the next few days.

Anyways, trying to keep my emotions in check and not freak about everything. It is hard, especially when this is so precious to me and took so long to achieve. I want everything to go just perfect and don't need any emotional roller coaster rides...I had enough of that for three years. Just want Baby Girl to keep growing strong and healthy and wait for summer.

The Name Game

2011-03-05T10:33:00.002-07:00

Naming someone is an overwhelming task. First you have to think that you will be saying this name countless times for the rest of your life. And secondly you hope your child likes their name and it doesn't result in any unwanted teasing/taunting etc. I have a list of names of course but one of them just seems to be speaking to me. It is not a very common name which is what I like but I don't want my daughter to have such an unusual name that it becomes annoying for her.

The name I like (and have convinced my DH to like) is EVERLY. Now when I look up this name in the various baby name books and websites it says it is a boys name. To me it isn't. I would never name a boy, Everly. And I immediately thought the nickname would be EVIE, which I really like as well. Now I've basically told DH that naming is up to me because he insists this is going to be our only baby.... we'll see. He likes GRACE, which will probably end up being the middle name.

Now the other thing with this name is the meaning. In some places where I look it up it says the meaning is "From Ever's Meadow", which I think is beautiful. But in other places it says "From Boar's Meadow" which is not so appealing. But just wondering if people pick names more on how they sound, then what they mean? Anyways, I'm still looking at other names on my list but have starting calling my belly Everly. I didn't want to share it with too many people, but a few have gotten it out of me and so far the feedback has been positive.

So, we will see if she is an EVERLY in 3.5 months. I went for another ultrasound yesterday to check on her heart. We are participating in a study where they monitor her heart for any abnormalities because they can sometimes occur in IVF babies. Yesterday was the last ultrasound and they told me her heart looked pretty perfect, so I was sooo happy! Of course they said (to cover their butts) that they can't see everything on an ultrasound like minor defects but overall they were happy with the results.

My EVERLY has a good heart (literally and figuratively I hope), what more could a mommy ask for : )

Here's My Baby Girl

2011-02-12T18:44:00.004-07:00

Yes I found out. It's a girl! I was surprised but my DH wasn't, he said he knew. I didn't totally think it was a boy but wasn't convinced either way I guess. My anatomy ultrasound went great and I am happy to say without trepidation that I am doing great at the halfway mark. When you are an IF survivor you are always waiting for the the other shoe to drop. But this ultrasound eased my worries. I still don't think I am feeling her move too much but I know she is alive and kicking in there. It was so cool, because I wasn't expecting a 3D image. I didn't know our doctor's office had it. So we got to take home some 3D images and 4D video. I want to go for another 3D ultrasound on our own when she is bigger and so that my stepdaughter can come and see. Now I can relax on our Caribbean cruise next week, super excited. First have to get tons of homework done which is stressing me a bit, but can't complain cause I'll be in paradise in a week. Halfway there and still can't believe it. I'm sure now it will all rush by. Haven't even started shopping yet....yikes!

Time to Get Some Worry Beads

2011-01-30T11:10:00.002-07:00

Maybe worry beads will help me stop worrying. The ultimate fear has come true....I've turned into my mother The Worry Wart of all worry warts. So, I am sailing into 2nd trimester feeling better than ever. No nausea, no hip pains, no food aversions (mostly) but I can't stop worrying.
Now that I feel pretty normal I think there must be something wrong. Especially since I am not quite sure if I have felt the baby yet.

I am almost 18 weeks and while I have felt some little lower abdomen muscle twinges, I don't know if that is the baby or not. It would be so comforting to feel it more so I actually feel pregnant. My belly has grown, so that is a definite sign. Weird how I can't accept the fact that feeling normal is normal.

I am counting down the days till our big ultrasound on Feb 10th. We are definitely finding out what we are having. And I want to see that baby move again, if only on a screen so I don't have to worry about it so much. Lots of people think I am having a girl even DH, but I don't really have a sense either way right now.

We are going on a Caribbean cruise in 3 weeks and I can't wait to get away from all this snow and cold. It going to be hard not to gain some extra pounds on that boat, the all you can eat shrimp and lobster night....I've been dreaming of it for months.

The Parents Connect 3D Pregnancy Widget

2011-01-21T20:52:00.001-07:00

Baby Names

Pregnancy

Parenting

Feeling Better Finally!

2011-01-16T08:51:00.003-07:00

You feel like it is never going to end. First trimester yuckiness. Well, I still don't believe it but I'm starting to feel normal again; most of the time anyway. Last night I pushed my luck and stayed up too late, and ending up vomiting before I went to bed. Oh well, better vomit once a week,than once a day.

My bump is starting to show and the pants are getting tighter. Good thing I saved some of my fat pants from a few years ago. I also bought a few pairs of maternity pants but they still feel too big and fall down after about an hour of wearing them. Another good thing is that the excessive hunger I was feeling for three months has subsided. My last doctor's visit on Thursday he told me I gained 7 pounds since last month, yikes! Well, its was Christmas too and I was soooo hungry. My visit was short and sweet. He just measured my belly, we listened to the heartbeat and he asked me some questions. I go back on Feb 10 for anatomy ultrasound and next appointment. Counting down the days till I get to see my little one again. I told my doctor I do want to find out the sex. My philosophy is I've waited three years for this to happen, I don't want to wait for any more surprises. Hopefully, little one cooperates in the ultrasound. (probably the people who want to know so bad don't get to)

Otherwise, everything is going fine. I still have my worries, but that is probably true of all preggos. I started my pre-natal aquafit class where everybody is totally showing big time. I felt like I had washboard abs compared to everyone else. I was the one who was the fewest weeks pregnant. Felt good to do some exercise again though, it has been awhile. I was going to join a yoga class as well but didn't want to overwhelm myself. I have a pre-natal yoga DVD that I haven't even looked at. Classes are always better for me to get my butt in gear.

Racing Towards 2nd Trimester

2010-12-27T12:05:00.002-07:00

Wow, I haven't been on here for a month. But really who needs to hear me go on and on about vomiting and nausea. I've almost reached my 2nd trimester (next week) and I'm starting to feel a bit better. I still like to sleep alot and I still vomit occasionally but it is getting better. We got to see baby on the ultrasound screen again a couple weeks ago. His tiny little feet and hands were so adorable. We are going for the Nuchal test on Thursday. That is going to be very nerve racking but I have positive thoughts about the outcome.
I have pretty much told everyone that I'm pregnant now except people at school. I have had about 10 days off from school now but don't really felt like I've relaxed. I have three shifts this week at work and wish I could just stay home. I like my job but I'm so into vegging at home right now. DH and I have a short Vegas trip planned later this week, and I hope it will be relaxing. I will probably just want to stay in the hotel room and sleep but he knows this. So very thankful that all this is happening and just keep praying that baby is well and healthy.

ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum

2010-11-23T20:02:00.002-07:00

Music to my ears, hearing my baby's heartbeat again today. These last two weeks have been hard to handle with all the nausea and vomiting but I'm thankful I have these symptoms as well. So, today was the last time I will have to go to the fertility clinic....I hope! I have now been referred to a OB/GYN and hoping I never have to go back to that place. I do really like my doctor there but the goal was for them to get me pregnant and they have finally done their job. My doctor was very sweet today because he said he is owed the first snuggle from our baby. He was also saying how good looking our baby was, ha ha...good looking little raspberry. Each week with my ipod apps they tell me how big the baby is and it seems they always compare it to a fruit (we are at raspberry right now). During the ultrasound there were two sacs (which we did see before) but one is like 5 times bigger than the other. My doctor says there probably isn't anything in the second sac, but he also said I'll have more ultrasounds to be sure. I was like what??? how can you not know by now if that is a baby. Realisitically I don't really see how it could be because it was so small and he didn't even check it for a heartbeat. I joked with him that this better not be a TWINS (the movie) situation, where one is Arnold Schwarzenegger and one is Danny Devito!

I also got a prescription for my morning sickness so I hope I can feel somewhat normal soon. I need to feel better to make it through my final exams in the next two weeks. We have told alot of people that we are expecting but I think I'm going to wait a few more weeks to declare it to the world, maybe over Christmas when I'm close to the 2nd trimester.

All Day Sickness

2010-11-14T17:14:00.002-07:00

Well the nausea and vomiting have come to town. I feel pretty rotten but that's OK it means baby is a growing and growing. I had some more bleeding last Wednesday, bright red variety and it really freaked me out! I left school immediately and called the clinic in hysterics. They let me come in and my doctor did an ultrasound, it was so scary but I tried to calm myself and think positively before the doctor came in. Well, the ultrasound showed no sign of where the bleeding was coming from but it did show one tiny and I mean tiny little baby!!! Woo hoo! And we got to hear his heartbeat. It was so cool because the doctor said the heart probably only started beating a couple of days before that. So, I was reassured for awhile but who ever stops worrying through the first trimester, really?

The last few days is when my morning sickness really kicked in. I have only vomited twice and both times in the morning when nothing much was available to come out, thank God. I went to work yesterday with some of those anti-nausea wrist bands you get at the pharmacy. They helped a lot, maybe too much so. I did my regular routine at work, still trying to take it easy cause my doctor told me to. So, when I got home more bleeding and a lot more than the last time. Tried not to freak out because the doctor said it is common for IVF patients due to the medications we are on. But decided then and there to take the week off of work, at least till my next ultrasound which is November 23rd. I don't want to get run down, and work seemed really supportive when I told them the news last week (plus its just a part-time job of 12 hours/week).

Can't wait to see my little nugget again in 10 days...yes doing the countdown. Would it be great if you could get a weekly ultrasound just to feel reassured about things?

Reassured??

2010-11-09T11:54:00.002-07:00

Did another HCG yesterday and got results today. Good news is it was over 16,000. Bad news is I'm still worried. I just felt like right after the bleeding/discharge incident my pregnancy symptoms totally dissipated. I have read a bit since and it seems pregnancy symptoms can come and go but that is not reassuring to me. I don't think I will totally feel at ease until I see that beating little heart on the ultrasound, which is now two whole weeks away.

The past two days for me have been utter torture, much crying as I was convinced everything was over. All the prayers and support of all who care about me must have done the hoping for me. I'm glad my 'prayer circle' is what I call them (its not a formal prayer circle) is really looking out for me. Believe me I need it.

Not Good

2010-11-07T16:40:00.002-07:00

Its gone from worry to super worry. Last tonight and today I had dripping blood coming out. Dark red blood but enough to make me really worry. I'm not feeling so pregnant anymore either. I feel like my symptoms have gone away -- less hunger, less tender boobs, less tired. These are not good signs. I called the clinic again today and talked to the nurse. She didn't sound too optimistic when I said it was red blood, so I'm going to do my HCG/Progesterone tomorrow.

I know bleeding is not uncommon in the first trimester but its really hard to remain optimistic when you see it. I'm thinking wow I got to be happy for about 10 days, I was pregnant finally! I don't feel super sad as of yet, I still have hope. Feeling a bit numb actually, "Is this really happening?"

Worry Wart

2010-11-06T10:17:00.004-06:00

Getting pregnant was so hard, I hope staying pregnant without going insane is not. I had my third HCG test on Tuesday and my level had gone from 313 to 1834. So, I was flying high for the last few days. We have gotten a little to loose lipped with telling people, but its hard not to when most of them know we are going through fertility treatments. Hope that is not a mistake.

Worrying about everything has set in. Especially since yesterday as I am having some spotting and discharge. So far it is mostly either watery pink or brown. I have been scanning the forums and many women on there have experienced this through first trimester and everything was OK. Some articles said it is old blood from implanting or your missed period. I HOPE SO. I am very nervous. I left a message at the clinic this morning, so I hope they call me back and tell me the same thing.

My symptoms for the past week have been some cramping feelings but not severe, extreme hunger and tiredness. No nausea or vomiting yet thank goodness. How does anyone get through the first trimester? I think I may go crazy. Still doing my relaxation sessions to calm my nerves and enjoying looking at my pregnancy aps daily seeing how baby is changing and growing. It is so amazing how fast they grow in the first 10 weeks.

I hope and pray my baby will be OK. Please send your good thoughts my way.

2nd Hurdle

2010-10-31T18:31:00.003-06:00

HCG on Friday was 313, which the nurse described as super! Joe Embryo is making Mama proud so far.....Grow Joe! Actually this is kinda a joke in our house now because my husband mentioned that his pick for a boy's name would be Joe, and I was like no way! I'm sorry but Joe is just too generic for me. I told him I get total vito on that cause I've been the one probed, stabbed and jabbed for three years. He wouldn't let up until his daugther laughed at the name yesterday.

I have to do another HCG test on Tuesday before they will schedule the first ultrasound. So, flipping excited right now. Of course, diving into everything baby. Downloaded like 8 pregnancy apps to my ipod. Got out my pregnancy books which I bought three years ago. Got to write in the pregnancy journal I bought three years ago. Please keep growing Joe, Mama is so happy you are here. Thanks to all you for your congratulations, your support means so much to me.

BFP!

2010-10-28T10:52:00.002-06:00

I know I have been MIA for quite a while. Just needed some space to not think about IF so much. The past 6 weeks has been preparation for my FET, which was done on October 17th. The 2WW was rocky as most are, but mid way through I really had my doubts. I really expected that I would be 'feeling' more. Luckily, with encouragement from a pregnant woman of all people and checking online, a lot of women do no have any signs. So, my beta testing day approached and I had some spotting, and I can't tell how many times in the past I believed it was implantation bleeding when it wasn't. I was somewhat devastated and decided to wait one day to go for my beta test in case it was AF. The next day there was no sign of AF which was unusual, cause if she is going to come, she comes.

So I went for my test yesterday late afternoon. They ran it STAT and someone called me from the clinic like 90 minutes later. Before I got the call I went for a walk with Ruby and said to myself over and over again what the conversation from the clinic was going to be like. "Andrea, Congratulations!" I got home the call came and that was the conversation I had. I was of course an emotional wreck with happy tears/sobs galore. She didn't tell me what my HCG was, but it was positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BFP my first one ever! I can't tell you how happy and relieved I am. But the true test is still to come. Tomorrow is my second HCG test, and I am hoping, praying for a doubling.

This is an unbelievable feeling, and I wish it for all my IF sisters out there. Three years of nothing and now finally some joy! Please prayer for me that my baby continues to grow and be strong.

Slacker

2010-09-18T14:54:00.002-06:00

Such a slacker with the blogging lately. I started my nasal spray (suppression phase) yesterday. Have to really focus on remembering to nasal pump four times daily. Yesterday, I was so busy with going to a funeral, meeting a friend for coffee, then finishing painting a room at my in-laws. I still remembered to take all my doses miraculously. Everyone keeps telling me "I feel it, this is the one", God do I want to believe that. Its definitely going to be the least stressful one. I am going with flow as much as I can and just seeing what God is going to give me.

I basically have a resistant uterus (and I now accept that) and live in a country where you can't shop around for another fertility clinic. Well, you can but you basically have to go to another city and forfeit any type of a life. I'm feeling like the last three years have been a waste for so many reasons, I'm just not willing to do that. I have two more tries and if I'm meant to be a mother this is when it will happen. Otherwise, I will get to sleep in for the rest of my life, not change any diapers, take as many vacations as I want and not have to worry about babysitting arrangements, always have a fairly clean, organized house and be a overall happy person (I say this in reference to the study done recently that said people with kids are less happy than people without). Either life path would be perfect, just have to wait and see how the 'guy upstairs' rolls the dice. Since I'm through putting the burden of fault on myself....no more of that. Guilt should have no place in IF.

On the Merry-Go-Round

2010-08-30T16:07:00.002-06:00

We are on the fertility merry-go-round again. This month we will be starting the FET protocol. So, this time is a bit different. Major difference no needles - hooray. Not that the needles really bothered me but nice not to have to worry about doing that everyday. This time I get to enjoy the lovely Suprefact nasal spray, four times a day. Now that is going to be a bit annoying to try to remember to do that four times a day.

AF showed up with a shout instead of a whisper. What I mean is no 3-4 days of spotting first, she just came. I am taking this as a good sign, lets get the show on the road. I won't be starting the nasal spray until September 17th, so I can settle into my school routine before this new craziness starts. This better be the one - I am 39 in less than 3 months!

Doing well in the running club so far, better than I expected. Pity I will probably have to quit my training once the FET comes. But I am still glad I started it.

Look around. Life is here, you just might miss it.

2010-08-23T15:06:00.004-06:00

Nothing in the world of fertility to really update on. I've been totally enjoying life....meaning indulging in whatever I want like alcohol and chocolate. I had a session with my acupuncturist a couple weeks ago where she determined that I have sensitivity to my husband's sperm (what's next????) and she did a treatment for it. Guess it would have helped to determine that a while ago, but really I can't start thinking every little thing I didn't know is really preventing a pregnancy from happening.

I joined a running club because I'm tired of delaying things in my life. Exercise is good and I don't want to delay it because I think it will be a deterrent to pregnancy. I want to live my life! I want to make more exciting life goals for myself that have nothing to do with getting pregnant. I am proud that I have done quite a few things this summer to help that along. New hobbies, new groups and hopefully new friends. Now to just figure out how to address the children issue with new friends without sounding depressed, snotty or angered?

Next Month

2010-08-10T16:05:00.002-06:00

I've been doing OK. We were not able to do the FET this month as the clinic is closed for two weeks. Our RE who obviously has no clue how the administrative side of his office works told us we could still do the FET in August, but when I called on CD1 the voicemail message said the opposite. I really wanted a break anyway, and my acupuncturist also is taking August off so it works out better this way.

I'm still waiting for the hope to come back, and I'm so off my fertility regime I don't know when I will be back to fighting style. I have been having sugar and caffeine like crazy and enjoying it like crazy. It is so hard to decide whether the restrictions I've been doing are really doing any good anyways....no positive results yet.

My DH is so great, I love him so much. His business partner has a 8 month old and they are always looking for babysitters. They always ask DH if I can sit for them (for business meetings, his wife has to go as well) and he always makes an excuse for me cause he knows I'm not up for it. They just assume since I don't have a baby and want one so bad, I want to take care of their kid all the time. Uh....no! And worse yet, they are always complaining about their child and how they don't have time for anything anymore. They drive me crazy, especially his wife. DH and his partner have acquired some new businesses and are going to make some good money. Therefore partner's wife won't have to work, but does she appreciate this....no. And they are always talking about having their 2nd baby, in front of me. I hate people who take their fertility for granted and have no sensitivity to someone they consider a friend!!!

I've been trying to get out to do more things, meet different people. Ruby and I are going to a small dog playgroup once a week. A place where I can meet other people with furry children. Also, I think I'm going to join a running group (learn to run) this week. I have never jogged in my life, but have always wanted to. Still trying to keep the FET out of my mind as much as possible and not obsess. My solution is many activities and hopefully finding many new passions.

Back from Vegas...again

2010-07-30T12:22:00.002-06:00

Yes, this is the second time I've been to Las Vegas this year. Its just such a cheap and easy vacation to take, until you get there of course. I did a bit of damage in the shopping department on purpose. I didn't want to think, oh maybe I shouldn't buy this at this size cause I might be pregnant soon (this thinking which has dominated my shopping habits for three years). I am so sick of postponing everything....in life. We had a really good time, but it was damn hot. I could only stay at the pool from 9 am to noon because after that I would just fry. My husband and stepdaughter are lucky with their beautiful cocoa skin they don't have to worry about sunburns. I had to lather myself constantly, and I am excited to report I DID NOT get a sunburn which is rare for me.

AF started her slow decent in Vegas and while the warning signs are there she still hasn't arrived yet. This spotting stuff is getting worse, possibly indicating my journey to menopause or something, who knows? I am suppose to call the clinic on CD1 to set into motion our FET. I don't know if I should wait for next month, I don't feel like I'm in a positive state of mind yet. But going to clinic appointments would be so much easier this month than next month when I'm back in school.

All I can say is that my husband is a saint. My acupuncturist in her crazy ways wants to test my husband's sperm. Besides acupuncture she also does this specialized acupressure treatment for allergies. I did many sessions of this treatment with her a couple years ago for all my food allergies, and it helped me greatly. She now wants to test my husband's sperm just to make sure my body is not rejecting it. This would be interesting after three years to find I am allergic to his sperm. I know my acupuncturist really cares about me and wants nothing more than to get me preggo....but I'm just starting to feel like this is a money trap.

I met up with my best friend last night and an acquaintance of hers who is going through IF. She has no one to talk to about IF, and my friend thought it would good if we met. We discussed our stories and she is at the same clinic as me (well the only one where we live), and she has done three IUI's with clomid. She is still at the "positive about everything" stage, while I feel I've progressed to the "realistic but hopeful" stage. She of course has had emotional ups and downs like all of us going through IF, but her positivity was admirable. Should I still be at that stage? How can you be after 3 years and 3 failed IUI's and one failed IVF? I wish I could get my positive attitude back, but I need to be realistic because I don't want to be punched in the gut by despair if it doesn't go my way. Help!!!! I need the Positivity Police and I need them now!

My First Quilt

2010-07-18T19:47:00.003-06:00

When you don't have kids....yet, you have hobbies. This has been an intense two weeks of quilting. I took 6 quilting classes in two weeks, and had to do a couple of blocks (for homework) each night. This is definitely one way to get my mind off IF and keep me super busy. I know its just my first quilt but I love it! And I'm only going to get better from here. This is my new expensive hobby to rival with DH's expensive golfing habit. Now I know why quilts at Farmer's Markets are so darn expensive. The cost of my fabric was about $150, but well worth it. The fabrics are mostly batiks and I love the way they look. And I just bought three quilting books online from Amazon and have about ten others reserved at the library. I have always loved sewing but haven't had anything to sew for awhile...once all the drapes and pillows were done for the house. And there are so many quilting courses to take, how fun.

I'm still in some state of grief from the IVF failure. One of the stages, not denial but maybe some guilt and some depression. I haven't gotten back to that renewed hopeful stage yet which I can usually get to. I know the diagnosis should have helped me feel hopeful again, but I'm too worn out. As I said to one of my friends regarding my implantation issue....they don't want to stay at my hotel. The embryos are looking for an upgrade and that's just a bit insulting. C'mon little embryos I'd love nothing more than to be your home for the next 40 weeks.

Finally...A Diagnosis

2010-07-11T13:14:00.003-06:00

Well, we got to see our RE for the follow-up. I really like our RE but he is such a busy guy he really doesn't remember who you are. He does so much at the clinic and hospital that he doesn't remember individual patients. He had to read through the chart again to figure out that we were there because IVF failed two weeks ago. And I was a bit frustrated because we had to wait an hour to see him. Anyways, he reviewed our information and determined that we have an implantation issue. FINALLY!!!! after three years I know what's wrong with me.

Since we have no other issues in any realm of fertility, implantation was by process of elimination our problem. I was still a bit pessimistic at this point because I thought he was going to say to just try the FET and see what happens. He actually suggested a treatment we could use during the FET to improve our chances. Now we are talking! An endometrial biopsy will be done five days before transfer to stimulate the lining and give a better chance at implantation. He used the number 80% success with this procedure, but I don't want to get too excited. At least there is a next course of action... something new to try for our next two FETs. He then said if that wasn't successful we would be looking at doing another IVF with a surrogate as our best chance. That would definitely not be happening, I don't see us going down the surrogate road.

Surrogacy would definitely put us in the poor house and I want to carry my own baby. Our plan would be to try the two FETs, then move on to a life with just the two of us from there. I think we will be going for the next one in August. Even though the clinic is closed for two weeks starting the 24th, our RE said someone would still be around taking calls and we could call when my cycle starts and get started on meds for the FET. So, that was good news as well. No use delaying this any longer. I want to enjoy the summer, but going to the numerous appointments is so much easier when there's no school/work involved to maneuver around.

Have to get busy sewing three more blocks of my quilt today, I have finished three others so far. Really enjoying the process of sewing a quilt....its a great way to focus my mind on something else.

I'm OK, are you OK?

2010-07-05T17:21:00.003-06:00

Its been a week since the BFN, and I'm doing OK. Really I am. I cried off and on for a few days but after three years of this I feel cried out. The worst part about the BFN was having to tell all the people I asked to pray for me. Especially my step-daugther, she was crying and I felt so bad. I didn't want to make her cry. I told her not to worry about me, and that's what really snapped me out of my sadness. We have an appointment with our RE on Thursday to discuss the aftermath. He probably won't be able to tell us much I suspect, but I want to ask him some questions about FET.

I decided I am still going to have a fun summer and not mope over this for two months...what's the point in that? We had a foster dog over the weekend. We named her Daisy. She was a 3 month old Lab Cross, and a big handful. We only kept her for the weekend because she was slated to go to another foster home. She and Ruby didn't get along too well. While both love to play, Daisy was too aggressive with her play and Ruby was constantly yelping and snarling at her, poor Ruby. Was really hoping I could get her a playmate for the summer, oh well.

I started a two-week quilting course today. I go Mon, Wed, Fri for two weeks in the mornings. I'm excited to make my first ever quilt. I picked out fabrics today that are aqua, purple and dark lime green. The fabrics are all batiks and the patterns remind me of the ocean. Obviously, my ultimate goal would be to make a baby quilt someday.....God willing.

Game Over

2010-06-29T12:44:00.002-06:00

Wish I could say I had a happy ending, but no such luck. BFN today. Although I pretty much knew a couple of days ago with some spotting. My weekend away turned very sad, very quick. Luckily I had Lilith Fair to distract me a bit. I have my sad moments of course, but feeling mostly numb. We do have five frozen embryos which gives us hope. Probably won't be able to do FET until September as the clinic is closed for two weeks in July-August.

Its pretty sad when you are so used to disappointment that you don't feel anything as strongly anymore. Life goes on. I have a great life and don't want to linger in sadness and regret for a whole summer. Already called the rescue society for a foster dog, will go look at some on Friday. Think I will take a quilting class and running class for the rest of the summer if they are offered. Plan on going to every festival I can to take advantage of probably my last non-working summer.

Everyone survives a broken heart, too bad my heart is so scarred.

Feeling The Crazies

2010-06-24T15:57:00.003-06:00

These drugs are killing me. I'm tired, I'm depressed and Monday can't come soon enough. My mood just dropped a couple days ago and I am hoping its pregnancy hormones. I'm bored and I'm lonely. DH went on his annual golf trip with the guys and Ruby went to my parents house so I wouldn't be tempted to pick her up. She's only ten pounds but I carry her alot and I'm trying not to do any lifting. Hence, I am very bored! Want to do more gardening but don't want to over do it. Want to visit my nieces but can't pick the baby up. Took a HPT test today just because I'm into the crazies and can't help it. It was negative.

I am scouring websites/forums for news on when people got their first +HPT post transfer and many say 6dpt is too early. Made me feel better for a little while. Also, had a vivid sex dream while I was napping yesterday. Lets just say I got that special feeling, woke up, freaked out, then had severe cramping for 10 minutes. Convinced I had just wrecked everything I scoured the forums again and I guess this is quite common with all the hormones racing through us. The cramping was pretty bad though and that probably means uterine contractions, but what could I do it happened in my sleep.

Tried to get cheered up by going to the movie 'Babies' yesterday. It was such a cute film and it did make me feel better. So, glad I'm going away this weekend to see Lilith Fair in Calgary. Though I did cancel my spa appointments that I had booked for Saturday because I wasn't sure they were safe -- have read conflicting things about massage/spas and first trimester. Monday is the day I'm going for beta and I said I would get myself a Marble-Slab Ice Cream Cone if its positive but I think I'm going to have the cone just for making it to Monday in one piece.

TIK TOK

2010-06-22T21:11:00.002-06:00

2WW = Obsession = Hell
Time is going sooooooooooooo slowwwwly. How does one survive the 2WW from Hell??????Guess I will have to tell you after next Tuesday. I'm struggling a bit and obsessively reading internet postings on implantation and pregnancy signs. I'm sure everyone post-transfer goes through this.

I totally didn't time my reading schedule correctly because I just finished two page turners and now there is nothing. I need a great book to distract me. There are the other two books that I've been trying to finish for 6 months and can never get into. Eat, Pray, Love is one. Of course it is much hyped so I wanted to see what the fuss was about. I just cannot connect to her character because she is in the exact opposite place I'm in; not wanting to be married and not wanting kids. The other is City of Glass which is the third book in a urban fantasy series. The first two I liked but the finale is dragging on and I just want to skip to the end. I always try to finish books though, its just one of my obsessive things.

Started one of DH's books last night; a Jason Bourne continuation. Hoping the action of the book will keep my obsessive thoughts at bay. That's right I'm an ex-secret agent not a lady waiting on a blood test cause that is way cooler.

Smooth Operator

2010-06-19T14:22:00.002-06:00

My embryo transfer went very smoothly. I had to wait an extra hour, so that was not so fun with a full bladder. We were told our embies were excellent in terms of size, grade etc. Everyone is the transfer room was so positive about it. I left there feeling so good. My RE is too funny, he was cracking so many jokes the nurse had to tell him to pipe down because she was having trouble with the ultrasound cause I was shaking so much (with laughter). We got to choose the tunes in the background because they had an ipod on a speaker system. On retrieval day I chose Michael Buble, and today I chose John Denver. John Denver music just makes me feel happy and good. My RE was laughing since he hadn't heard John Denver since childhood.

Nice to know my 2WW is only going to be nine days, so the torture won't last as long. I've got to study for my final exam which is on Tuesday, so that will keep my mind occupied for awhile. On Wednesday my friend and I are going to see the movie BABIES. So, babies will be on my mind that day. Then on Friday its off to Lilith Fair in Calgary. Beta test day is on the 28th.
'Take Me Home Country Road to the Place I Belong' - my embies theme song. They took their road to the place where they belong.

T Minus 1 to Transfer

2010-06-18T10:55:00.003-06:00

Wow, this is my 90th post! And only one day away from embryo transfer. Am I nervous? Of course who wouldn't be. Getting set to let my baby grow. Eating the pineapple today, getting an Egg McMuffin tomorrow. Funny how we will believe anything and do anything for what we want. Can't hurt right? My acupuncturist is so awesome she is going to give me a free session right before my transfer. So, uterus will be calm and full of great blood flow.

Reading up on Day 5 embryos and I guess a lot of them may not make it to Day 5. I am preparing to hear that my 15 are now 8 or something. The strongest ones will prevail, which is the important thing. DH was asked if we would go to dinner tomorrow night at one of his friends. Sometimes, he can be such a bonehead. Does he really think I want to be socializing tomorrow? I want to be totally zen and stress free, and conversing with his friends doesn't leave me that way. First I said yes cause he was standing there with the phone in his hand, waiting to tell his friend my response. Then anger set in, and later I said NO! C'mon, I really don't need that kind of aggravation. Not that his friends are bad, but a small group (which is what there is suppose to be) will end up being a big one and I never have fun at those things. Glad I stood my ground.

Five days is a long time to wait, want my embies in my soon. They need to be with mama. Looking forward to a smooth transfer tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers.

Happy, Happy, Happy

2010-06-15T15:17:00.003-06:00

I can truly say this is one of the happiest days I've had in the last 3 years. I found out today that we have 15 embryos. I feel very blessed, and while these babies aren't with me yet I have much appreciation for this news. You don't get much good news in between all the trying and testing of infertility, so I am so thankful just to have this day. On this day I can say I was happy!

Our embies are going to be growing for the next five days, which I believe is a very good sign. Day 5 embies greatly increases the chances of implantation to be successful. So, Saturday is the DAY! Have to get alot done in the next few days, because I'm going to be really careful for the next two weeks to not do anything strenuous. Will be hard to be such an invalid, guess I'll try to be like I was when I was a teenager --- lazy ; )

Here's hoping my retrieval buddy with the three eggs also had some good news today.

Wishing for a Baker's Dozen and got so much more!

2010-06-14T14:28:00.003-06:00

My egg retrieval this morning went really well. The only hiccup was that they couldn't get an IV into my arm easily. It took 4 tries, and that was painful. During the procedure they told us we got 18 eggs! How amazing is that? Don't know what the grade on all those eggies are, but I hope they are healthy and smart like their mama. The lady in the next bed beside me, I overheard only got three. She didn't sound very happy and I felt bad for her. I hope three will be just enough for her.

The procedure itself wasn't that bad, I got a good amount of drugs so I didn't feel much. The IV actually hurt more. I felt a little woozy and super crampy leaving the retrieval room and started to cry a bit. I settled down after I got back in my comfy chair again and they gave me some extra strength tylenol. Very excited to get the call tomorrow to hear how many embies we have. I can't believe they are making our babies as I write this. June 14 is conception day for our babies!

The rest of the day I am going to be vegging out big time, lots of movies to watch. I feel groggy right now and my abdomen feels sore a bit. Tomorrow I start taking the progresterone, and we hear back as to when we go back for transfer. Either Thursday or Saturday will be the day. Thanks to everyone for all their good wishes I really appreciate them.

Days Gone By....Fast

2010-06-13T17:34:00.002-06:00

Wow, can't believe this week is over and my egg retrieval is tomorrow. Yes, that's right I injected the HCG last night and report to the clinic at 8:30 am tomorrow. After feeling pretty tired at the beginning of the week, I bounced back and felt pretty great the rest of it. I guess I can credit that to my relaxation techniques, acupuncture and keeping busy. Maybe too busy! I know I was suppose to relax but I will save that till after the transfer, where DH tells me I am to do NOTHING! We are even going to send Ruby away to my parents for two weeks : ( I just am in too much of a habit of picking her up all the time and she is almost 10 lbs. Also, she has the habit of jumping on me all the time, which could be costly to my implantation. I will be so lonely without my furry child.

And today I had to hustle and finish my last assignment for the online course I'm doing. Its so beautiful outside today, and I'm stuck in the basement doing this. It is due tomorrow but I won't be in any condition to work on it then, so today was my only choice. I finished about half hour ago and I'm relieved. I have the final exam to do, the Tuesday after next. I didn't get to all the gardening I needed to do today. Hopefully, I will not be so down and out after retrieval I can finish up on Tuesday and Wednesday. It will be so hard post-transfer not to do my gardening--those are my babies too.

Still don't know how many eggs we will be transferring or what day we will be doing it. Guess we find that out tomorrow. My DH is so awesome, he had a friend's stag party to go to yesterday and came home from it early and hadn't drank too much. He didn't want it to affect his swimmers, which I don't think it would. So sweet none the less. At my final ultrasound on Saturday I had about 6-8 really big follicles and 5-7 smaller ones. My RE keep calling me a 'teenager' due to my follicle-production skills. And I actually found out they had Depleted Ovarian Reserve listed as my diagnosis. Uh hello - no one ever said that to me. Well I guess I proved them wrong, I can make a baker's dozen with the best of them.

Here's wishing for a smooth retrieval and many happy & healthy eggies.

Here Comes the Coma

2010-06-07T16:53:00.002-06:00

Ok, finally now starting to feel the effects of the meds. Can barely keep my eyes open today. I had my 2nd ultrasound and everything seems to be progressing nicely. They still counted 10+ eggies today, but there were about 4 super big ones. My estradiol was high today so I'm starting the Cetrotide tonight. So, that will be three pokes tonight in the gut. Actually, I don't mind the needles so much, its just the scheduling them in everyday. Not that I'm super busy but I've been making lots of plans with people lately, and I always have to remind myself that the needles have to be done at that time.

I went dress shopping today with my Mom. I found two that I liked, well one that I liked and one that my Mom really wanted me to get. One is fitted, red-pink color with rouched flowers around the neckline and the other is floor length, strappy, flowy and blue/purple pattern. The flowing one was my pick, its so comfy and I can wear it anywhere. The dress is for a wedding in July, where DH is in the wedding party. I'll ask DH which one he likes, but I know it will be the pink one. Well, must be off to do my shots now. Status: Retrieval on either Friday or Saturday, I think?

First Ultrasound

2010-06-05T10:40:00.002-06:00

Just got back from my first ultrasound in the IVF process. Looks like I have a whole bunch of eggies growing so I'm very happy about that. I lost count but I think the left side had about 5-6 and the right side 4-5. So, keep growing eggies and be happy. I have been feeling pretty good on the meds, just a bit tired. I'm glad they didn't tell me to up the dose or anything.

I'm now off to overnight babysit my two nieces (18 months and 7). Luckily, the older one is old enough to be a good helper. The baby is really good too, she hardly ever cries or gets upset. Here's hoping they will be little angels for me. My teenage niece is also coming over to help. Will be a fun night of pizza and movies. I think I'm going to make them watch 'Adventures in Babysitting' -- classic.

Poke

2010-05-31T20:15:00.003-06:00

I started my injections today. The mixing of the two shots was no treat. I hope I become an expert at doing it by the end of the week. Seems like such a short time now, only 10 days until the retrieval. I remember when we were doing the IUI's it felt like the injections lasted forever. I know its only day 1 but I think this time it will go by fast. All depending on how I feel of course. The worst I ever felt on the Gonal-F was like a near coma. This weekend should be interesting since I have to overnight babysit my two young nieces. Thank goodness my teenage niece is going to help me out.

Getting really excited over this whole prospect and feeling really good and positive. DH is doing well at work and was able to give himself a bonus (self-employed). So, expenses are going well and I'm not too worried about the dent this IVF is creating in our finances. Just trying hard not to do too much. I got all my major gardening done, which is good. Went for another massage today and it only hurt 30% of the time (deep tissue). Will try to just be chill and relax for the next couple weeks....if possible.

Fixin to Mixin

2010-05-28T15:51:00.003-06:00

I had my ultrasound on Wednesday and everything checked out. Whew! I am set to start my injections on Monday night. I have to do some mixing this time with the Luveris (powder and water), then mix the Gonal-F into that stuff. So a little more complicated this time. I'm already a pin cushion with my bi-weekly acupuncture treatments, so one extra poke isn't going to phase me.

I just sent out a Facebook message to close friends and family letting them know the IVF is happening in the next two weeks. I was debating whether I should do this or not, but then thought they all know its coming up anyway. Its hard to know how private I should be anymore. I basically just asked them all to put us in their prayers or intentions to the universe (however they speak to the higher being). I believe in the power of others thinking/praying/hoping for you, so I know it will help. So, I also will ask it of you my dear IF sisters who happen to read this. Keep me in your prayers, and be rest assured you are always in mine.

Survived

2010-05-23T14:36:00.002-06:00

I survived another one of those outings with all my DH's friends wives. You know the ladies who all have children and whose conversation all evening is 95% children-related. Yes, fun for me as always, so much for me to contribute. Really it annoys me but at the same time encourages me to think about how I want to be when I'm a mother. Do I want all my conversational content to revolve around my child; is there nothing else to talk about? Hopefully not.

Bombshell dropped. As I was entering into my third hour at the women's chat table, the guy who was hosting the get-together comes in the house (all the men were outside) and announces that the reason the last couple just left was because the women is pregnant (was feeling sick). I was surprised the women's table was so quiet. Weird. Isn't this what they look most forward to - a pregnancy announcement?? Were they being quiet on my account, I doubt it. I said it was great, and I meant that. The woman who is pregnant is a really nice person, who I don't know well but hope to.

Honestly though some dread did go through my heart when I heard the announcement. The 'everyone but me' feeling. It can really take a toll on you, but I kept it together and I am proud of myself. I don't want to tarnish anyone else's happiness. They aren't trying to make me feel bad, I know this. And its their baby, not one they are taking away from me. I want mine. I wish I could lay low from all social engagements while all this IVF is going on, but that is difficult. Next hurdle is my niece's birthday party next weekend, where my sister-n-law's relatives who have no couth about asking me if I'm pregnant will be there. Sorry, but for the sake of self-preservation I will be doing some major hiding out at that party.

Timeline update: four days until first ultrasound and bloodwork to determine if I'm supressed

Forgive Yourself

2010-05-21T14:22:00.003-06:00

I'm putting behind me the last two and a half years. All the disappointment, frustration, questioning, sadness. It was a pretty miserable time for me, when it should have been the most exciting period of my life. I had just gotten married after searching and searching (and finding!) my soul mate, and here I was obsessed with getting pregnant and NOT getting pregnant. My husband and I were still discovering each other, not having lived together before getting married. But there is nothing like a little infertility stress to add to the pot of a newly married couple; that will show you what you are really made of. We have made it through though and I love him more than ever. He is understanding and cares for me so deeply, but I know he just wants our life to 'keep going' and not be at such a standstill.

I am forgiving myself for feeling so insecure and having such disappointment in myself, when really what else could I have really done. I am trying to conceive in my late thirties and before I was educated about all this IF stuff I really gave myself a hard time. Chastising myself for:

every little slip I would make in my strict fertility enhancing eating regime
blaming myself for possible blocked tubes (which of course didn't turn out to be the case)
making myself feel like an outsider if I was the only one in the room with no children

I am finally now nurturing myself as I would nurture my child. I am releasing all these fears I've had for the past two years and facing what ever comes ahead. And I don't know what will come, but I can only live for now and I can only love me how I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart, caring woman and I am a great mother to me. And I want to be a great mother to you.

Weird??

2010-05-17T10:24:00.002-06:00

So, I 've been on the BCP for the past ten days and my period hasn't stopped. I started taking it on the third day of my period and still it goes on. Not full blown AF, but still remnants. Usually I'm done after about 5-7 days, so I'm not sure what is going on. Is my body just adjusting to BCP and getting rid of all the excess (pardon the term) gunk I had up there? Maybe someone out there who has gone through IVF with the BCP can let me know. Of course, I'm wanting this cycle to be perfect in every way cause this is my shot. I will believe my body is just getting ready in its own way.

Its funny how they say the IVF cycle takes 6 weeks cause the first three on the BCP doesn't really feel part of it. I've never had problems on BCP and actually use to love being on it. BCP made life so much easier - no cramps, clock-work periods, nice skin. But the date is approaching (the 26th) where they will check if I'm really suppressed. Hope BCP is keeping the ole ovaries in line.

R-E-S-->B-C-P Find out what it means to me!

2010-05-10T19:14:00.002-06:00

Back on the BCP for three weeks as I start my very first IVF cycle. Super excited and praying everything goes smoothly. Also, started on the prescribed preg-vit to get the extra folic acid and iron. I've been keeping my stress levels low and will continue my audio relaxation sessions and visualization. And trying really hard to keep the caffeine and alcohol content at zero. Stepping up my acupuncture treatments to twice a week starting May 25th. This is alot of effort and I want it to pay off!

Mother's Day was OK for me, I think past couple ones I've been pretty sad. I do always get something from my step-daughter and that always makes me feel special --so I don't feel totally excluded from the day. Thank goodness for Vanessa! And I can always hug and kiss my furry child to death if I want to, and a multitude of kisses do come back to me, even if they are slobbery.

At the Starting Gate

2010-05-06T15:25:00.003-06:00

Yipee! Hooray! Today, my IVF cycle was confirmed to start. I'm so relieved. I didn't want to wait another cycle, so I am feeling pretty great right now. I have to cherish this feeling because soon I will be back to the anxiety-riddled stim phase and everything else that comes with IVF. The nurse told me my first U/S would be May 26th and my retrieval would be June 11th. This is working out perfectly so far. I was worried it was going to coincide with some plans DH and I had (separate plans actually). Now we can both go do our fun activities (Lilith Fair for me and Golf Weekend for him) while I'm on my 2WW. Nice to think I have a great distraction already planned to get me through 2WW.

I start my three weeks on the BCP on Saturday. My old friend BCP, it will be a nice little reunion. Hope she clears up my skin while we have this nice little visit. And it looks like my DH can put the IVF through the business so its a write-off, so that's good news as well. Now all we need is the extra special good news following the 2WW. Please keep us in your prayers for the middle of June. I was so excited to read some posts lately of fellow IF sisters who have just delivered or just about to deliver and also a IVF sister who just announced a positive beta. Gives us all hope ladies.

Picturing It

2010-04-27T16:38:00.002-06:00

I can picture it so clearly. Me, big and preggers in a green maternity top with a sweater cardigan. This is the image I use when I do my visualization. I'm putting the message out there, that my true desire is to be pregnant and I can picture my beautiful baby with black hair and big brown eyes like my DH. I'm feeling really good lately, about the whole situation. Just counting down the days till I call the IVF nurse to let her know my cycle started and that I want to get on with this. A little stressed though, cause I don't know for sure if they will let me start. I really really hope they do. Putting your fertility is someone else's hands is just as stressful as leaving it in your own. Many uncertainties either way.

I was watching this movie called Motherhood today with Uma Thurman, haven't finished it yet but she is an overwhelmed mother in New York. She mostly talks with other mothers about how hard it is to be a mother and she has this husband who doesn't help her too much. I was watching and thinking will I be like that in a year, complaining about motherhood and taking for granted all I've gone through with IF???
NO WAY! One thing I can say for sure is when you've struggled like all of us with IF, I don't think we would take any of it for granted. Sure, we might complain because everyone has the right to do so -- no matter how badly and to what lengths you went through for your child. But I will relish all my time as a mother because I believe it will go pretty fast...18 years and they are on their own. Then I will enjoy being their friend.

Free As A Bird

2010-04-20T16:12:00.002-06:00

I finished my last exam today, and so comes the end to my first year of Library Technician schooling. It was a good year, I did really well and I am looking forward to working in this field. So, now comes the waiting and anticipating the start of IVF. Whether or not I really get to start in May and all that comes with that. I have lots of plans for things I want to do over the summer cause I won't be working (just to make life easier with the IVF stuff).

Gardening
Taking a quilting course
A couple of trips (one to Vegas with DH/Step-daughter, one to Kelowna)
Get Ruby into a Pet Therapy program
Maybe adopt another dog
Do an online course for school
Number acupuncture visits to co-ordinate with IVF
Keep doing my daily visualization and meditation
Just visit with people and enjoy the warm weather

Is that enough? Gotta keep myself busy especially in the next month, so I don't go crazy with thinking about whether IVF will work or not. Oh, and the leg numbness thing has dissipated, thank goodness. Don't worry I'll probably have some other weird symptom next week.

Weird Symptoms

2010-04-16T20:43:00.002-06:00

OK, I hate being a hypochondriac but weird symptoms always happen to me. This week I've been experiencing numbness in my left foot. Its not totally numb but just mild pins and needles constantly. So, thanks to the hypochondriac-inducing thing known as the Internet I now think I have a variety of diseases. Diabetes, or some sort of neuropathy were the first to spring out at me on wrongdiagnosis.com. But I'm just going to chill and see what some days of major rest do for me. I only have one exam left next week and its going to be open book, so nothing major. Then its time for me to relax and start preparing for IVF. Get myself in tip-top shape physically and mentally. I wanted to start IVF this month but the clinic said I still had to be on the waitlist until next month. Hope there aren't any more delays, ready to see what IVF can do for me. This is our last chance. We are basically only going to do one IVF then move on with life.

My Arch Nemesis

2010-04-02T21:46:00.003-06:00

Well, I was out for the count this week when my arch-nemesis came back into town ---Strep Throat. I usually get it once a year and its just the worst. You feel like you're going to die and you can't even swallow or enjoy food. The three days before I got my antibiotics were hell. You get sick of pudding and soup real fast. I feel better now, still have a residual dry cough. And Aunt Flo is back in town and I need to go for the AFC test. Of course, this has to land in the middle of stuff I can't miss (in order to go to the clinic), a test and a group project at school. So, I'm hoping and praying that they fit me in on the one day I can go. This test has to be done between CD2-4 and if I call tomorrow that would be Sunday to Tuesday and my Sunday and Tuesday mornings are both booked up. I can always get it done next month because I have decided to start the IVF process then but just want to get it checked off the list.

Talked with DH about the 'guilt' of the money. I wanted to make sure the spending of the IVF money was not going to leave a guilt-stain on us forever. I guess he can let go of it more easily than I can. Of course, if we succeed then the money will be a forgotten thing replaced by all our massive joy! But if its not successful how do you deal with the fact you are still childless and have just parted with some major bucks. I guess I just have to look at it as a wild trip to Vegas or something. Though hoping lady luck is really on our side this time and that the house loses.

Spring Has Sprung...well sort of

2010-03-22T14:41:00.004-06:00

Glad, glad, glad that I was able to talk to the IVF co-ordinator who let me know I'm set up for May. I just have to do that AFC test in the next couple weeks and then call her at the same time to let her know when my CD1 was (is). I was reading up on IVF in one of my books and from what I gather I would be starting the nasal spray around ovulation time. All this fertility stuff feels like playing rugby most of the time. What I mean is, I have never played rugby and even though I sat through the movie, Invictus (and essentially watched two hours of rugby), I still have no idea how that game is played. So, while I've read up on the basics of IVF, I don't think I will ever really know what exactly is going on until I experience it.

Of course, there is suppression, then stim phase, then retrieval, then transfer but it all seems like some far off expedition into the Himalayas until you are there. I can see how other bloggers have described this phase of the infertility journey as having much anticipation mixed with trepidation. I myself am freaking a bit about the anesthesia thing. I have never been put under for anything, and have some fear about that process. Going to sleep...doesn't sound that bad does it?

I've started a new phase in my Eastern medicine regime. We are now targeting my Kidney Yang deficiency, so I'm taking new herbs (in pill form this time which is a nice change from the tea). And boy did I feel like a super pin cushion at my last acupuncture treatment, luckily I was lying on my stomach and didn't see the field of needles covering my back, legs and feet. I don't have a problem with the needles but having that many poked in results in alot of them not entering painlessly. The herbs are 2 pills, three times a day so that is alot to remember. Well, better to get use to (a routine) because I will probably be stabbing myself multiple times a day when this whole riggameroll gets started.
Oh, and its snowing again! Just when we thought we were free and clear for Spring. Now we have to go through the mucky phase again. Spring please spring soon.

Beautiful Uterus

2010-03-17T20:41:00.003-06:00

Yes, that's what my RE told me yesterday. "What a beautiful uterus", this is the same guy who told me I had the ovaries of a teenager. Now, is this guy just trying to pick me up or get me pregnant. I hope its the later. Everything was A-OK with the SIS, although it was bloody uncomfortable for me with my retroverted uterus. Lots of trouble getting the catheter in. I have major catheter-anxiety now, cause all my IUI's were unpleasant and I was never really convinced they got it in there. At least with IVF they use the ultrasound to make sure its in the right place.

Found out that I have to do the AFC test again. Great, next month I have to go back for this, didn't know it had to be updated every six months....what a pain. I called the IVF line to make sure I will be able to do the IVF in May. While the doctor says it should be OK, haven't really got a confirmation yet. They require all these tests to be done first. I have been feeling really tired with the whole daylight savings thing and just getting use to the season change. I find summer kind of tiring cause you never get the same amount of sleep as you do in the winter. Wishing daily that all the snow would melt faster, its getting there. Looking forward to starting up my garden again, and curious if any of those tulips I planted in fall will bloom.

One more test to go

2010-03-13T17:49:00.004-07:00

So, I'm sitting here thinking I got all my ducks in a row and IVF is not too far off, but what looms in the back of my mind is what will happen on Tuesday. Its the last test I have to do before we can start the IVF in May. Its the SIS, which basically is an in depth look at my uterus - for any major fibroids or abnormalities. You would think this test would be done before the IUI's too, doesn't really make sense to do IUI's if your uterus is sub-optimal cause then you are really fooling yourself. It will be interesting yet devastating to find out if I have some major abnormality after all this time.

Reading some books on visualization, keeping me focused on my goal. Doing visualization of myself pregnant and telling myself that I am. It states that all affirmations we say to ourselves must be in the present tense, so its kinda weird to keep saying to myself - I am pregnant. I also had a dream that I saw my newborn baby, it was pretty cool he looked like DH. But another part of the dream a different baby, not ours (that looked really deformed) fell from its hospital cradle onto the floor. That was really strange and frightening. Dreams...hard to know what to take from them. Hope I get to see my baby again real soon, cause he was gorgeous.

Blueprints for IVF

2010-03-03T20:43:00.002-07:00

I was glad to finally have my appointment with my RE to discuss IVF. So, its a go! He actually suggested doing another 3 rounds of IUI was an alternative as well. I was totally not into that, as the low success rate and I just can't do this for much longer. He stated that the IVF success rate for us would be about 40%, which I thought was pretty good considering my age. He also didn't see any reasons for it not to go well, as I respond really awesome to stims and DH's SA is top notch. We decided that May would probably be the best time to start as I will be done school and I'm not planning on working for the summer. So, the next two months is just me getting in tip top Rocky Balboa type shape (fertility speaking). I started up with my acupuncture treatments yesterday and I am going to commit to some more visualization and relaxation exercises daily. Got to be mentally tip top too! DH is afraid I will be going a little crazy once I'm on all those hormones. Be afraid honey, be afraid.

Waiting for My Womb to Change

2010-02-24T13:20:00.002-07:00

Just a waiting....again. Appointment to discuss IVF with my doctor is next week. That actually came alot faster than I thought. I still have to do the SIS test though. I could have done it this month but as fate would have it, the test fell on the time when we were in Las Vegas. DH and I went to Las Vegas over Valentines. It was lovely, it was wonderful to spend some quality time with my sweetie and not even discuss or worry about IF. I had cappuccinos and dessert everyday, and we found a sushi buffet to die for. We went to see Jersey Boys, which was fantastic and while I didn't win any big money, DH was winning like crazy. I swear that guy has a horseshoe up his butt. It was only 3 days, but a so needed break.

I'm feeling good and positive towards taking the step to IVF. I've been doing visualization exercises by writing and drawing pictures of what I want. "I WANT TO BE PREGNANT in 2010", "I WILL GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BABY", drawing pictures of my future pregnant belly. I hear visualization is a powerful thing and I want to get it working for me.

Blame Game

2010-01-30T15:05:00.003-07:00

Eleven days until the 2WW is over and I am paranoia-city, but managing it better than usual. I was doing some yoga and did a twisting pose and of course 30 seconds after I did it I gasped! I shouldn't be doing twisting poses, but it was already done and if there is a little one inside (less than 1 mm) I'm sure one twist isn't disaster. I got over this quite easily where as a few months ago I would have obsessed for days.

I also have been taking some digestive enzymes with my supper, just because I've had digestion issues in the past and I want to get the most out of my food these days. I decided to read the bottle again for some reason, and lo and behold it read "Do not take if you are pregnant". Great I thought, been taking them for the last week.

What do you do? There are so many little ways you can think and read about how you are doing things to make this pregnancy not happen. Its such a blame game and I'm so sick of it!! Basically, I'm getting to the headspace of the fact, the real fact that I'm old and my fertility chances are slim because of that. And its no ones fault that I'm old, that's life --this is where I ended up trying to have a baby in my life and I have to get rid of the guilt for everything else. And there was no way of me trying when I was younger because I just met my one and only DH at this stage of life. Basically, I can try to be the best healthiest me I can be and that will help tremendously but only IVF is probably going to make this happen if its going to happen. Time to get rid of the Blame Game!

Third One's A Charm

2010-01-25T13:14:00.002-07:00

"Third One's A Charm", is what the nurse said to me today. Sayings like that I think should be banned from fertility clinics. We, Infertiles already hear enough cliche sayings day in and day out. Third and final IUI finally done. Used the in the bra technique to take the specimen jar to the clinic, thanks Betty Rubble : ) So, that part went pretty smoothly though DH's sample had like way less count than usual. Have to say that must be due to transport.

Though something always has to happen to make me think, great it didn't work. So, at this clinic an intern doctor usually does your first IUI, then a nurse will do the others. But on my second IUI the nurse had a heck of a time trying to insert the catheter so my doctor had to do it. This time another nurse was going to do it when I told her my concern, she told me she is the one who does the IUI training with most of the interns. I was OK with that at first, but then she sensed my hesitation and said she would get the intern doctor to do it.

After waiting 20 minutes for this doctor who looked young enough to be my teenage niece she inserted it pretty quick. But of course, my mind is reeling like she didn't know what she was doing since it took my real doctor a few more minutes last time. Then through the thin walls of the clinic I heard the intern doctor asking that nurse about (how) doing the insertions!!!! I should have just let that nurse do it. Oh well, I'm not going to dwell but really why can't I just leave one of these feeling --Yes, they did their part correctly now let nature take its course.

Hurry Up and Wait

2010-01-24T15:18:00.002-07:00

Since I only got one ovary going for the gold this month, my follicles got growing alot faster than usual. On Friday, CD8 my dominant follicle was already at 17 cm and I was told to take Ovidrel on Saturday night. First I thought wow my lucky day I only had to go through one pen of Gonal-F. Wrong, they wanted me to do another shot on Friday night which means I had to get another $300 pen for just one shot. I won't be using the pen again cause this is my last IUI, then I'm on the wait list for IVF. Oh well, just when you thought you saved $300 bucks. Bright side is this IUI will done way faster than usual and if it doesn't work I have plenty of time to get in the other tests they want done before IVF consult on March 3rd.
More tests, oh joy! I guess I have to do a SIS (also known as a hysterosonography) and more blood work. DH is suppose to do another SA but I don't understand why because don't they pretty much do a SA every time we do IUI? Have to ask about that.
Tomorrow morning 8:30 is my IUI, DH wants to do his donation at home this time. Which stresses me a bit since I have to drive at rush hour with a specimen jar between my legs (and its going to be way cold tomorrow too). What do you do? I'm trying not to drive him crazy with all this stuff so I have to give him some leeway on some things. Wish me luck -- been sending my request to the universe to make this happen this time!

On Second Thought

2010-01-21T12:48:00.002-07:00

Ok, so I got out of the depressed fog I was in for Christmas and New Years and I am back to being the optimistic but realistic me. I know I said I was dead set against doing another IUI, but after my emotions subsided and I did some research (yes, more research -- like I haven't been reading about this stuff non-stop for two years), I decided going for the third IUI was worthwhile.

Last Friday was CD1 and on my B U/S I actually got to see my OWN doctor. This doesn't happen very often at this clinic, you get to see who ever is around. In December I kept getting that b#?tch lady who kept calling my developing follicles "the litter". I finally got to see Dr. M, who I really love. I ended up having a cyst in my right ovary - most probably follicular. Dr. M said it was my choice if I still wanted to do the IUI, because I'd mostly be getting action only out of my left ovary. I said this is my last one anyway, so lets go for it. I already have an appointment in March with Dr. M to discuss IVF, I told him that and he offered to send me the IVF info ahead of time. That really eased my worrying because the time/waiting factor is always my biggest stressor.

The IVF package stated that my chances are low for success, not a big surprise with my age but I'm willing to try anyways. The sticker shock wasn't that bad $5100 for IVF plus drugs (expensive yes, but close to what I thought). And of course I read the other words I dread "Waiting List", and panic set in. See waiting list at this clinic feels like a lifetime...which I do not have to spare. I emailed him back and asked to be put on the waitlist before my March appointment...call back said YES! So, that made me so happy and not having to worry about getting on the waitlist, blah, blah ,blah. I don't exactly know how long the wait is yet, I will ask tomorrow at my ultrasound.

I've also started listening to meditation/relaxation hypnosis every day. I give myself 20 minutes to listen to the APP I've downloaded on my ipod and just be totally relaxed. It is really helping me to have a more positive attitude, I recommend the ones by Andrew Johnson (nice soothing Scottish voice). I also love the Infertility podcasts I've downloaded to my ipod, although some of them had started a couple of years ago it seems they started out struggling with IF and have become pregnant over the course of their podcasting. Just like alot of the blogs I follow, many are soon expecting their first babies. I have to look at that as a good sign that it can happen!

Blog summary: feeling optimistic again, getting the next steps organized, affirming to myself daily "it will happen"

Getting Back to Me

2010-01-10T20:18:00.003-07:00

And I don't mean I only like to talk about me....but this blog is only about me, so who am I kidding. What I really mean is I'm starting to feel good again and that comes with making decisions. Decision to not do IUI this month, decision to get back to things that make me feel good. I went out and bought a meditation pillow for the spare room (you all know of the one I speak, the room that is empty and waiting for its oh so tiny occupant). I've decided to make this into my 'Serenity Room'. And don't think I'm all fancy schmancy with my so-called meditation pillow. I was looking for a large enough pillow so I could sit on it and lean my back to the wall, so I can practice meditation. The only pillow I found large enough for this, was a dog bed. Luckily I was able to find one with a nice pattern on it and no paw prints. I downloaded some relaxation and meditation Aps to my ipod and off we go. The goal is to do some meditation/relaxation every day. Clear my mind of the constant chatter of Infertility Woes. I've tried meditation before and have found it a bit challenging, hoping my room will inspire me. I plan to get a nice comfy chair in there soon, so I can read in there as well. Would like to get some nice prints on the walls too. So in the words of George Constanza, Serenity Now.

Deciding to take a break --Then move to the big leagues

2010-01-08T19:31:00.002-07:00

I'm really in decision mode right now, my head is always spinning. Not that my head has stopped spinning in the last 3 years. I'm just not convinced that another IUI is worth putting my body, spirit, mind and money into. I cannot see my RE until March 3 to discuss changing treatment (to remind you, that in Canada that's how it works--long waits to see your RE), so ridiculous. Anyhoo, I could do another IUI this month and then see him to decide to move on to IVF. But I just don't see the point, I've been reading so much about how IUI really isn't worth it for women my age. So, why not take a few months off and prepare my body for the invasive-ness of IVF.

Then comes the decision of when to 'call it a day', and move on. I'm talking child-free living here, people. Two and a half years ago, that was not even a thought in my mind that there would be no little one in our house. Of course, the adoption alternative comes to mind but I don't really think that is going to be an option for us. Adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing but you have to have a calling for it. It's a road that I might see myself going down, but I know DH does not. It will be the hardest adjustment and loss to accept a new child-free life, I hope I can make it through and still be me.

Holidays Better Than Expected

2009-12-26T10:08:00.002-07:00

I actually had a pretty good Christmas Eve and Day. We went out to my sister n law's acreage on Thursday. They have an outdoor skating area and lots of property to wander about. My niece came with us and Chief did too. We left Ruby at my parents just because it was too cold for her to be wandering about. Chief had a great time just romping about in the snow, he loved it. We skated and took walks in the deep snow and played some board games inside. We then had a Greek Dinner, (we aren't Greek but my sister n law wanted to do something different). I actually had a good time and didn't think about my sadness too much. Thankfully, DH's cousin who recently got married (in September) didn't announce a pregnancy or anything, I was pretty afraid of that...thank you God.

Christmas Day was spent at my parents house, with less than the usual people there. My brother wasn't able to come home from his job, which happens alot (he works on off shore oil rigs). And my nephew went to Toronto to visit his mother. But having my other two little nieces around made the evening fun. My one niece is six and the other one is one years old. We opened gifts and played some games. There was some drama with all the doggies that were there, my Dad was all freaked that Chief was going to attack his dog and Chief is the biggest wimp ever. Then my sister n law brought over her dog (a min pin) who totally went after Chief and Chief was so scared. They eventually were OK with each other, but my Dad was in a pissy mood all night.

Its weird to say but I'm actually missing my trips to the fertility clinic. I guess its easier when I actually get to sit in the same room with people going through the same things as me. When I'm at home I just feel by myself in this crazy struggle. I really am thankful for all the supportive comments I've received from you wonderful ladies reading my blog. It really means alot to me to get your support and help me realize I'm not so alone. Please know that I appreciate all your comments and it definitely helps me try to look on the brighter side of things.

Alone & Confused

2009-12-23T16:02:00.002-07:00

Didn't need to go for the beta test because AF came on Friday. I am feeling very alone, depressed and lost at the moment. I had major meltdowns on Friday and Saturday and of course had to do two major social functions. Friday was the party at my husband's friends house or as I like to call it "The Baby Parade", everybody in that group has kids and quite a few have brand new ones. My husband's best friend and fiancee have a newborn who has bad colic, so of course they have to complain about it. It is so infuriating for me because they don't realize how lucky they are. I guess none of The Fertiles will ever be able to relate to me and will always take their appreciation for their children for granted. I'm just feeling really alone and low right now, I don't know anyone personally going through this...its so isolating.

We won't be doing any treatments this month because the clinic is closed over the holidays. So, next month I guess we are planning on doing another round of IUI (which I'm starting to think is useless) and I just booked another follow-up appointment after that to discuss switching to IVF if it comes to that....but who are we kidding here I'm 38!

I know all this negativity really isn't good for my fertility, blah, blah, blah but I can't help it. I just have to wallow for awhile. My husband and I got in a tiff about going to that party, because I didn't want to and he said 'we can't stop living our life because of this'. I know he is right but I can't force myself to feel normal when I don't. I feel like a ticking time bomb of emotions just ready to blow!! I've never been a big Christmas person, but feeling even less in the spirit than usual. I hope for Christmas I can just start feeling like myself again, IF has really sucked out my will to have fun or feel good. As I wept into my DH's arms on Saturday, I said "I just don't know what to do anymore", and I really don't.

Trying Not To Think About It

2009-12-15T09:26:00.001-07:00

Four days till I have to go do the beta test. I've been occupying myself over the past couple weeks with studying for exams and becoming a doggie foster parent. We welcomed Chief into our home on Friday, he is a sweet boy and watching him (like a hawk) so he doesn't try to pee in the house is keeping my mind pretty focused. Of course, I'm thinking about if I'm pregnant and the progesterone really helps my imagination go wild, because I've read most people don't get AF while on it. I believe I've been thinking about it probably 50% less than I was last month....I was looking at baby-name sites daily back then. I really don't know what to think, I've had a few weird days (5-7 days past IUI) where it felt really crampy but didn't want to read too much into that. Though my acupuncturist did and gave me one of those "this could be it" looks. One of the hardest parts of this whole process is watching everyone else get their hopes up to.

Well, going to go get the test done early Friday morning and hoping they will call me later that day. Because if its negative, I will be tying one on at the Christmas party we are having for DH's employees at our house on Saturday. Yes, I have to host a party the day after I may get a BFN! Sometimes my life is just a tragic comedy, a dramedy is what they call it I think.

Just Not Feeling It

2009-12-04T14:46:00.002-07:00

Well, its beginning to look ALOT like Christmas around here. Big snowstorm is billowing down on us, as I write this. Hasn't stop snowing for hours. Weird to say it, but its finally nice that winter has arrived, doesn't feel like Christmas till it does. So, I'm feeling like its Christmas but not feeling like I'm pregnant. Had my IUI on Wednesday, and let me tell you that was 'no day at the spa'. First, the nurse who I warned I had a retroverted uterus tried to insert the catheter and failed (after inserting two different speculums ---ouch!!) Then, my RE who I hardly ever see when I go into the clinic decided to give it a go and while he tried to make the experience as comfortable as he could, it was painful. And I felt cramping and pain for the rest of the day.

So, of course being my paranoid self I thought for sure that it hadn't worked because it was such an ordeal just to do the procedure. We did some back-up baby-dancing just in case. And now the wait, but I think I've already convinced myself it hasn't happened. I don't want to say its negative thinking, I just don't feel it. Also, I'm taking progesterone suppositories this time and I'm not sure if its because of that ---but I'm major bloated 24-7. Its horrible. And I'm thinking, I'm going to be taking these for the next two weeks for what reason?? Oh well, I guess if I feel this way and this happens to be the time, I will be surprised, big time pleasantly surprised.

And Now I'm TOO Reproductive

2009-11-29T21:06:00.002-07:00

Well, either you have no eggers going or you have six. On Friday, my RE made it sound like I had a million eggs growing. Or as she liked to refer to them "the litter". Which I didn't appreciate too much, being compared to a dog that is. She was threatening to cancel my IUI altogether. Of course, I was panicked and did what I do when I'm panicked....research. I went online to research what happens when IUI's are cancelled. Well, most people on blogs seem to go ahead and have sex even though their doctors insist they don't. I was all prepared to be a rebel and go for it! I also read a few journal articles that said even with many follicles growing a woman over 35 has like a 1% chance of actually having a super-multiple pregnancy. OK, that was what I needed to have a fighting chance with my RE.

So, I prayed and hoped that only a few of my eggs would be front runners and would have grown that extra 2-3 mm bigger than the stragglers. This way I would only have three not six and my RE wouldn't have to worry. And boy did I pray, I'm usually more of a silent, inside my head pray-er but not this time. I raised my hands to the sky and was shouting my prayer to the heavens (hoping God would hear the louder me). Today, we went back for another U/S and thank goodness I only had three follicles that were really big. And I tried to convince the RE that at my accelerated age, multiples shouldn't be much of a worry. She somewhat agreed, cause I think last time I was there she must have just looked at me and not at my chart cause she said "You are so young, don't worry about a cancelled IUI". And I was like, young --- What??? I've been told I look younger than my age. Anyways, IUI is scheduled for Wednesday and I will be praying loud all week.

Pincushion Time Again

2009-11-22T14:23:00.002-07:00

Off to races for IUI numero 2. I had an intern do my Baseline U/S this time. She is the same one who did my first IUI and had much trouble inserting the tube because of my tilted uterus. So, of course I was super worried she didn't actually get it in there. It was weird, I could feel when it wasn't going in because it would bunch up inside the canal there. Anyways, I raised my concern to her about my short cycle and how this luteal phase defect is weighing on my mind. At first, she didn't want to prescribe me the progesterone but I insisted and she spoke with my doctor and he said sure! So, yeah me for being my own advocate. Not sure if this is what I really need but they said there was no great harm in taking it, so why not? Also, started taking some Vitamin C, because I read that a study showed that helped women with LPD. So, that probably brings my supplement count to like 20, my daily pill box almost doesn't fit all the vitamins/supplements I'm taking.

My DH talked to his sister who went through the IUI process with each of her three kids. She told me a bit of her experiences but wasn't very forthcoming with information (or didn't feel comfortable talking to me about it), we don't quite connect. Anyways, she told DH that it took 4-5 IUI's to get each of her kids. So, that makes me wonder how many I should go through before heading to the IVF route, which I don't really want to do if necessary. I could probably take one more month of this but two or three more I don't know.

Not Quite

2009-11-18T10:33:00.002-07:00

So, this IUI was a bust. Just got AF yesterday. Sadness of course, but also must look at this as a way these doctors can actually help me. Since induced ovulation was at CD14 and I got my period this time on CD25, which is the shortest cycle I've ever had in my life. But it shows what I suspected, that there is something wrong with my luteal phase. My regular cycles are usually 29-30 days but I would ovulate (according to OPK) late around CD17-20. I am going to ask RE about how my progesterone was this cycle and maybe get on some additional meds. This could have been my problem all along and thanks to this failed cycle maybe we are one step closer to solving it.

38 and feelin' great, great, great

2009-11-14T16:02:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday to me
Trying to have a baby
My one birthday wish...
Bun in the oven already

38 Special

2009-11-09T21:23:00.004-07:00

Significance of the number 38

Was especially prominent in Norse Mythology. The number was said to represent unnatural bravery, characteristic of the legendary heroes of Norse sagas.

The 38th parallel north is pre-Korean War boundary between North Korea and South Korea.

Significant in Egyptian mythology, as it was the characteristic number of Anubis, the jackal-headed god of death and mummification. Egyptian pharaohs were often buried with 38 statues of cat guardians, and their sarcophagi were adorned with 38 ankhs. (Which is cool because it reminds me of one of my favorite movies "The Mummy")

The number of slots on an American Roulette wheel

Name of the southern rock band 38 Special

BUT most importantly 38 is the number I will be turning this Saturday. I will be officially old! And I don't say this because in Wikipedia it refers to everyone over 38 as old. I say this because my RE told me if you are diagnosed with unexplained infertility before the age of 38, well its just unexplained...and they really can't tell you what is wrong. Though here's the kicker, when you turn the magic age of 38 they can just say age-related infertility. I wasn't feeling old until he told me that.

I am going to take the real significance of 38 which appears to be bravery, boundary-breaking, letting it ride, rockin it out and becoming a mummy (although a mommy would be my first preference) and shove this talk of old where it belongs. Hidden in the picture above.

One IUI Down, Hopefully None To Go

2009-11-05T10:33:00.002-07:00

I did it, its done. IUI numero uno was completed this morning. Was suppose to be done tomorrow but I was surging already so it was bumped up. Silly me, didn't leave my cell phone on yesterday (cause I just assumed the plan was the plan - I'm such a newbie) and almost missed the message I needed to take my shot asap and come in today. So, as I expected IUI was pretty low key. Although I have to do some bragging on behalf of my DH, 170 million count and
53% motility!!! Hope that makes some sort of difference. Way to go honey, you have a good factory down there.

Now the dreaded 2WW, what to do? what to do? Not obsess, right! Just keep on living and hope for the best I guess. We are already discussing 'baby names' though, just to keep us on the optimistic vibe. Anyone suggest some good sites for names? I know there are a million out there but if anyone has some favorites, please pass it on. Or any other suggestions would be helpful for surviving the 2WW.

Eyes Barely Open

2009-11-03T21:21:00.002-07:00

Well, its the 10th day of injections with the good ole Gonal-F pen and I can barely keep my eyes open. That is my number one side effect - exhaustion. I'm a walking talking zombie. Can't even focus to write this post. Hopefully, will be the last U/S tomorrow then we can schedule the IUI. Have two very nice looking follicles growing, one on each side. Best damn follicles I've ever seen, but I guess I'm biased. Kinda wild to be seeing where your babies are coming from even before they are babies. Off to sleep for 10 hours hopefully.

The Daily Shot

2009-11-03T21:16:00.004-07:00

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Almost a Sieve

2009-10-31T17:19:00.002-06:00

And so starts the poking and prodding. Is this what I've been waiting for? Yes, one big glorious Yes. Although, yesterday was a bit more pokey than I would have liked. How many needles can I have before I become a sieve? Blood taken, one H1N1 shot, one flu shot, multiple acupuncture needles and finally self-injection with Gonal-F pen. Yikes, I'm surprised I wasn't like a cartoon character, that drinks a glass of water and has all of it leak out my porous existence.

Feeling good though, no major reactions from the medications. I was super tired last week but I think that was a combination of studying for midterms and first week of injections. Yesterday's U/S showed one larger follicle in each ovary, I think he said the size is 13 (mm??) Have to look that up and see if I'm progressing well. Haven't felt this optimistic in a long time, just nice to put most of the responsibility for getting pregnant in someone else's hands. Less pressure on me, if that makes any sense.

Waiting for trick-or-treaters to come to our house for the first time. We didn't hand any candy out for the last two years because our area is still developing. There are more kids around now, so can't wait to see their scary little faces.

Oh, and Happy 50th Blogpost to me!

Roger, Roger We Have Lift Off

2009-10-25T20:45:00.003-06:00

No cruising for me, I've started my first cycle of IUI!!! Yipee! My cyst got the eviction notice I sent and only left a shell of its annoying self for us to see on the ultrasound today. So, now I'm in the big time of all this IF business. Did the whole rig a mer roll - ultrasound, bloodwork, pharmacy visit where I dropped a cool 300 bones. So, cruise is definitely off considering the moola we are going to be spending this month. And I oh so cooly administered my first injection a couple of hours ago. Thank goodness its with the user-friendly Gonal pen. The videos that had me watch before hand got me scared thinking I had to do all the mixing and stuff. The pen is super easy and quick, although it looks/feels like you are not really injecting anything. Although time will tell with that, if I get any pesky side-effects. Better not get the diarrhea --I have midterms this week.

Trying like heck to study but so much going through my mind. Going to have to do a lot of meditating and yoga just to calm myself down. I went to a psychic last week, that I had to wait 5 months to get into see. I'm a believer in that kinda stuff. She saw spirits of people I knew who had passed on too... never experienced that before. Anyways, main numero uno important thing she told me was she sees 2 babies!! Whether or not, she can really see this...I don't know. But it gives me some positive reinforcement which is what I need right now. And she told me my Grandma was telling me to just be patient. OK, Granny I will be patient for you, and know you are helping me on this journey.

AWOL

2009-10-23T22:53:00.002-06:00

I've been trying to focus on everything else but TTC. Its gone pretty well, I actually had a good month of just going to school, enjoying my life and all the wonderful things I have to be thankful for. On Sunday, I will be going back in to see if the cyst is still there.
Two scenarios:
1) Cyst gone - may be starting 1st IUI
2) Cyst there - DH and I have promised each other we will go on a last minute cruise

Kind of a win-win situation. Wish me luck, either I'll be cruising or stabbing myself in the butt every day.

Same Herbs, Different Day

2009-10-02T22:05:00.004-06:00

Just going about my business these days post-cyst, trying to correct my spleen qi deficiency. That's right I said spleen qi deficiency. This came about from my reading of 'The Infertility Cure' see blog post. Of course, my acupuncturist who I had been seeing for food allergies beforehand totally agreed with my self-diagnosis (which I did from the book). I now gladly volunteer myself to be a pin cushion every two weeks and partake in my nightly consumption of Chinese herb tea -- which by the way tastes nothing like a Caramel Machiatto, dammit.

The wisdom of Traditional Chinese Medicine will hopefully put my whole reproductive system back on track and back in the game. Its all I really can do or focus on right now with my new 'cysta' in town. Funny how I didn't extend an invite to her, but yet she shows up anyway at the most inconvenient time, gee sounds like my real sister. Just like to suggest to you all that the book I mentioned is a good read and does give some light at the end of the IF tunnel. I can't say its techniques or suggestions have worked for me yet (towards my goal of being super reproductive), but I have been only doing the herbs and acupuncture for a month and a half. Most of the case studies in the book state three months puts your body back on track. All I can say is that at least using the TCM techniques are helping me achieve overall good health and well being, which is what I will need in case all this IF wins out in the end. Oh, yeah and sanity would be nice too.

FYI - Dietary restrictions on the TCM treatment include no sugar, no coffee, no alcohol, no 'wet/damp' foods like tomatoes, cucumbers, melons, soy milk, yogurt, dairy. God help me!

The Universe is Funny Sometimes

2009-09-24T22:03:00.002-06:00

I guess we just have to find the humor in all our situations. Today in one of my classes (I'm a library technician student) we had to look up facts/questions in different almanacs, encyclopedias etc. One of the questions was:

'What was the largest tumor anyone ever had?'

To my shock, dismay, then the profuse shaking of my head the answer I found in the Guinness Book of World Records was:

a 328 pound----------------wait for it---------------------ovarian cyst!!!!!

I thought to myself at least I don't have that one : )

Looking Inward

2009-09-23T21:43:00.002-06:00

Trying to have a better outlook today, and just be thankful for the things in my life (which are many). I know this is not the end of the road for me with fertility treatments....but just having a day like that made me really tired of living my life month-to-month. I will continue on with treatments but I'm really going to start adjusting to the mindset that children might not be in the cards and I want to be OK with that, and not be devastatingly sad every month....its so draining.

Disaster

2009-09-22T15:54:00.002-06:00

Not how I thought this morning would go. Devastation. Cyst on my ovary. IUI cancelled. Have
to come back next month to see what's happened to the cyst. Disappointment beyond belief, no words here that aren't stained with tears.

Its a New Day

2009-09-20T13:45:00.002-06:00

CD1 is here. Here we go. Left a message for the clinic to do baseline ultrasound. To have my 'date' with the wand in the next day or so. Its almost surreal that it is finally here. Anticipation and worry is high...treading into the unknown of the treatment. Please God let this work.

Just Wanted to Stay Home

2009-09-19T22:22:00.002-06:00

So, my husband springs it on me that we were invited to a firepit tonight. It's usually always last minute when it comes to his group of friends, while mine are more on the planning side. So, these same day invites are not really news to me. But, guess what? I did not feel like socializing tonight. We were suppose to go for dinner too, but I suggested we just eat at home cause we needed to use up the food in our fridge. Then after dinner of course I felt guilty cause I think DH wanted to go (and yes I was stalling on an answer as to if I would go or not). Or more to the fact, he probably already told them we were coming, cause he can never say no. Although he always claims he never has a problem saying no to his friends (which is a bunch of BS, by the way).

I gave in, cause I don't like him to feel sad and cause we can usually bring Ruby to these people's house because they have a dog too. So, we go and the whole time I'm so thinking I'd rather be in bed reading the new book I just got from the library. The couple's house we went to, they are recently grandparents. Their daugther is only 21 and recently married but just had a baby a couple months ago. So, it is a little painful to go there because the 'baby talk' is non-stop. And of course someone else always has to bring up the fact that DH and I don't have kids...and what are we doing now (in regards to treatment). So, tonight one of my DH's friends blurts out in front of a small group that I shouldn't worry about anything because his sister n law had to try for a baby for 10 years and finally had her kids in her 40's and they are little monsters. Then he goes on to say I should just take the little infant that's there cause she is the right color (see my husband is East Indian and I'm white), which is what the other couple is too.

Now, I know this guy did not mean any harm and is usually quite a nice fellow but this was not the day I wanted to hear this. I didn't want to be there anyways and I have to hear this shit. Really, c'mon. My DH's friends can be too much to take sometimes. I got together with one of my best friends this week and we had the loveliest time singing karoake all night at her house. If my DH's friends don't start having some game nights or go out to do something different I think I'll be at home reading quite a bit and my DH will be going solo.

Getting Ready for All The Little Pricks

2009-09-12T14:59:00.003-06:00

Ha Ha! That was definitely not a derogatory jab at my DH, I'm talking about injections here people. I finally sat down or more accurately lied down on my bed with laptop at hand and watched the injection videos the nurse told me to (before IUI gets underway). I thought there would be just one but there were many because they had them categorized per manufacteurer not medication type.

It was a bit of information overload considering I don't know exactly which medication I will be taking and if I will be doing it with the old fashioned syringes or the new pen injectors. Didn't realize I will possibly have to mix up the powder (medication) with some solution before injecting. The needle part of it doesn't freak me out too much, never had a problem with needles. But then again I've never given one to myself and I'm kinda squeamish when it comes to watching other people get theirs. And injecting in the abdomen seems so odd, but hopefully my belly fat will take the brunt of it and I will feel no pain (ya right), thank you cookies.

So, countdown to AF and the start of all this craziness is approximately 7 days. Can't believe I'm actually counting down to (anticipating) AF...weird.

Pick-Up Lines Aside, I Love My RE

2009-09-08T20:24:00.002-06:00

So, the fates worked in my favor for once and I got my follow-up appointment bumped up to last Friday. Basically, my RE went over all our test results and we are as suspected "Unexplained". Though my RE was so nice to add that in three months when I turn 38, he gets to add on "Age-Related" and I told him 'Thanks alot buddy'.

After discussing what my ultrasound concluded, I reminded him he had told me I had the ovaries of a teenager. His response was, that he tells that to all the ladies when they show up without their husbands. We all had a good laugh at that one (me, DH, RE and the intern), in fact I don't remember ever laughing that hard at any doctor's appt I have ever had. I really like my RE, he is a straight shooter but has a great sense of humor.

We are set to go forward with my first IUI at the end of this month. I need to watch a bunch of online videos to get the scoop on what to expect. I've read up on it and I pretty much understand the procedure, but I guess I won't know what to expect until we actually go through it --since everyone reacts differently to medication etc. I'm also trying to follow some of the suggestions from the book, The Infertility Cure. These are dietary, supplements and acupuncture as prescribed through Traditional Chinese Medicine. I've also consulted with my acupunturist on these suggestions --- and she wants me to be on a number of different supplements. So, trying to be 'healthy' on all levels before this IUI may be a little overwhelming.

But its finally happening, I'm in the loop (so to speak).

Been Doing Some Reading

2009-08-13T13:50:00.006-06:00

Last year when we entered the Full House Lottery we won a gift certificate to Chapters (which is a national bookstore here in Canada). While we didn't win our dream home we were happy to get something. Of course, I used up the $125 of that gc pretty quick. So, this year we were hoping for....well the dream house, or even the porsche for my husband (his dream car). And what did we get --- bubcus! But, there is always a silver lining or so I try to convince myself. My Dad had also bought some tickets this year, and what did he end up winning..... Chapters Gift Certificate. And he gave it to me. See my Dad is not much of a reader, neither is my Mom (except the newspaper) which is kinda sad but in this case beneficial to me.

A couple of my book purchases have included these two infertility gems:

Infertility Survival Handbook by Elizabeth Falker
I highly recommend this book. Its goes in depthly through all the treatments of IVF and IUI but explains it to you as a friend would, not a doctor. Its a great book from someone who has been there and done that (ten fold)! If you have no one you can talk to about your IF this a great book to feel connected to someone who has gone through it. Also gives you suggestions how to deal with emotions, costs and physical demands of IF.

The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies by Randine Lewis

I haven't totally finished reading this one yet, so this is a premature review. Its about how chinese medicine can enhance your fertility when modern medicine may have failed you. I like most of the suggestions so far - eating well, yoga, vitamin supplements, stress management and acupuncture but have yet to delve into the herbal chinese medicine part. Will keep you posted in what I think and if I incorporate some of these suggestions.

So, some late summer reading for any of you still on road to fertility land.

Old Mom Worries

2009-08-02T15:18:00.003-06:00

I am getting closer and closer to my goal of getting some assistance in this whole gettin' pregnant thing. It's amazing how as soon as one of your worries is taken care of, a million other ones pop into your head. One is the fact that I will be 38 soon, when hopefully I DO get pregnant. I worry will I still have the energy to chase after this little one? I know Moms just find the energy but it worries me a little. DH and I have both been feeling the aches and pains of getting older - the creeky knees and not so strong backs. We are overall very healthy individuals, who have been blessed with no chronic conditions thank goodness. But is it fair to have a kid so late, to the child I mean? Any child who is raised in a loving home, would probably not care how old/young their parents are. Maybe kids who come after a bought of infertility problems our the luckiest kids on earth, what children are wanted more? Well, I read this article online today about how you can live to be 100, and one of the reasons was 'having a child later in life'. That definitely brightened my day, that having the child later in life keeps you young and promotes your longevity... you want to be around to see the grandchildren, right? So here's to the older moms out there, may our decisions to have our kids late in life be the reason we can make it to be centenarians.

12 Surprising Signs You'll Live to 100

Ovaries of a Teenager, Patience of a Toddler

2009-07-25T00:00:00.003-06:00

TGIF, Thank God I'm Fertile. Oh right I'm not! But what a better way to spend my Friday morning but to get a vaginal ultrasound. During this ultrasound my RE declared that I have 'The Ovaries of a Teenager', although he laughed and said he never does ultrasounds on teenagers. Though if he did, he said mine would be right in there with those teens. Well what do you know? something about me is young. My hair is 50% grey, the wrinkles are a-coming and I don't feel comfortable going to nightclubs anymore but my internal organs are ready for the prom, go figure.

While I was enlightened by this news, I was just as quickly given a blow to my confidence when I went to make a follow-up appointment. Which turns out to be in mid-September. This is ridiculous....I am 4 months away from turning 38! Every bloody moment is precious to me and they are making me wait this long to talk about the next step. This sucks, I'm so mad. I thought for sure we would be doing my first IUI in August and now we have to wait until September just to assess, I don't even know if I get to do my IUI in September either. I keep calculating in my head now old I'll be when my kid is 20, if I'm not pregnant until next year....58 (that's like retirement years). Makes me question if I am too old to even consider this. I know for damn sure I want a baby, but is it fair to let this child have older parents (by choice).

I've been really emotional about this today. I don't know how much more of this waiting I can take, without just giving in the towel. I really want the next six weeks just to fly by...guess I will be making a lot of patio margaritas this summer.

9 Month Wait - How Ironic

2009-07-13T21:07:00.002-06:00

So, the day finally came, we had our first appointment at the Fertility Clinic after the 9 month wait. It was a relief but also felt so anti-climatic after such a long wait. I like my new doctor he is funny, nice and straight to the point. He also looks alot like the Chekov character from the original Star Trek series. Everyone at the clinic was super, I mean super nice. Wonder if that is par for the course since it is a pay for service rather than regular health care. Upon reviewing our files from the previous testing we had done he basically summed up our difficulties as 'Unexplained Infertility', but basically he said it was age-related. Sure throw that in my face, like I don't hate my wrinkles and creaking knees enough.

Suggested course of action was IUI with injectable drugs. I was super gung ho to start with IVF, but my sister n law who did IUI three times for her kids suggested I go for it first. Just to take it easy on my body to start out with and also save some big money. I think my first cycle of trying will be next month because the clinic is closed the first two weeks of August, which the doctor was none too happy about. I told him I wanted to get the show on the road (his expression actually) ASAP. So, next month will be it, putting it all on the line. Why am I more nervous now?

I was definitely relieved to have the appointment and get things going, but I guess some part of me knows if this doesn't work nothing will....and then what? Well, I am just going to enjoy the rest of my summer as my cycle to start wouldn't be until the end of August. I always love the fall too, and hopefully an autumn conception is in my future.

Where's My Bumper Sticker?

2009-06-23T20:00:00.004-06:00

As I was driving behind a huge truck today, I noticed a bumper sticker on the back. I assume the driver was poking fun at himself because the sticker read,

NICE TRUCK

Sorry about the size of your penis

It got me wondering if I would like to poke fun at myself with the situation I'm in? Not the owner of a large vehicle, but owner of a vacant uterus. Arriving home I quickly googled to see if 'Infertility Paraphernalia' actually exists. Lo and behold, you can get an assortment of t-shirts, not so much bumper stickers displaying your infertility woes. Some of my favorites were the following:

Thinking positive (with picture of a HPT)

Not Pregnant

(but I'll keep you posted)

Infertility Sucks

I'm not as old as my eggs want you to believe

Now would I actually go out and proudly wear these cleverly devised statements on my chest...definitely not. As most of us suffering with IF issues, I prefer to suffer in silence. We want to jump out the window if someone even brings up the issue of if we are pregnant, what's the status, etc. etc. Advertising the fact of my suffering is just not something I could bear. Although, I would like to have more gumption and tackle this with humor (as I do most things in life), its just so difficult. And really, would most people get the joke anyway? You'd want them to laugh but you'd probably end up getting the dreaded pity-face instead. So, would I like to confront my issues on IF with more humor? Absolutely. Am I going to advertise this on my car bumper or chest? Not quite yet. Bumper stickers are hard to get off your bumper, and I hope my situation is not as permanent as the adhesive on the back of that sticker.

Summertime with Ruby

2009-06-21T16:57:00.007-06:00

Just wanted to update on my furry child. Ruby is doing well, she got fixed a couple weeks ago but recovered quickly. She is very happy we finally finished our backyard...and so are we. She is already trained to got to "her spot" in the yard to do her business. She is such a delight in my life, my cuddly little girl. She still needs work on her walking though, I've been to puppy classes for three sessions and she still pulls like crazy on the leash. I'm kinda at my wit's end with that. It annoys me big time, so I find it much easier to just take her to the off leash parks cause she does fine there (follows me and gets along really good with all the dogs). This morning we had a funny event, as I was calling out to Ruby to get out of my new flower beds I noticed she was jumping around one of my new shrubs. When I went to check what she was up to I saw the tiniest little bunny. Ruby was either trying to play with her or catch & eat her....hoping it was the first one. We let Ruby jump around her for a bit and filmed the video, but don't worry we took Ruby away and captured the bunny without any harm done to the little bunny. I carried her to the field by our house and set her free. I hope she survives she was the tiniest little jack rabbit I've ever seen. Who knows maybe she will be back, we have quite a buffet in our yard with all the new perennials I've planted.

Feeling Like Bella?

2009-06-10T11:55:00.004-06:00

So, I'm totally engrossed with reading the Twilight Book series. I am on the last book now. Yes, the demographic for these books is teen girls, but believe me us 30+ gals are totally getting into this. My one friend loves these books due to the description of new love, the passion of being in love for the first time. Married for almost 10 years I guess she misses that alot. I'm into it, just because this is my genre of books/movies/TV that I love, I guess they call it 'Urban Fantasy/Romance'.

I am currently reading the last book now, Breaking Dawn. Not that I want to ruin the outcome for anyone, so I will say spoiler alert now and don't read on if you don't want to know how it goes. Bella, the main character has married her true love Edward, who is a vampire. She wants to become a vampire too so she can live with him forever. She is scared about going through this transformation but also knows this is what she wants to make her life complete. I guess I'm relating to her right now with my predicament. Now that I have an appointment that was much wanted and much stressed about (my 1st appointment with the RE, in hopes to start the IVF process), I also have that lagging feeling of anticipation and fear. I have to admit I have always been scared to be a mother. I realize the importance of this task and have always thought I wouldn't be up to snuff. Goodness knows there are so many people out there who become parents who clearly shouldn't be, and I never wanted to be in that category.

I know deep down I will make an awesome Mom, but just the whole responsibility of it freaks me out. I'm sure everyone goes through this. I know that you can only do the best you know how and that its an experience where you have to let the kids be themselves and just be their guiding force. Its weird when you going to request to have someone 'make' you a parent. That you release yourself and your intentions to someone else. Its not just you and your partner's private decision anymore. It's pretty much out of your control, in every way possible.

You can lead yourself to water, but you can't make the embryo drink. I haven't gotten to the part where Bella becomes a vampire (I had to go online to find out some of the ending -- yes I know I'm bad) but I'm sure I'll be able to relate to her once I start all the IVF craziness, hormone drugs and all -- the thirst, the longing, the out of control feelings. Me for becoming pregnant, her for blood. Morbid I know, but if you read Twilight you'll know what I mean.

It All Came Together Anyway

2009-05-30T12:55:00.003-06:00

So, there I was freaking out in February because its been 16 months of 'trying' and nothing. I'm 37 and I don't want to wait anymore. I wanted to speed things up so bad and just get this assisted pregnancy stuff happening if I needed to. I got the referral to the clinic in Calgary (in February) and they called me a couple weeks ago to make my first appointment in July, I thought now I'm cooking. But also with actually moving on with my life I am going back to school in the fall (this will be my third go) -- going into a totally different career again.

I think my family/friends get whiplash every 5-7 years when I tell them I'm trying on a new career, but more on that later. So, I get the appointment and am thrilled, get the information package and am more thrilled. I read the timeline of what is involved in IVF then I get a bit nervous. Not just for the outcome of the IVF but for the juggling of doing the IVF, doing school and commuting back and forth from Edmonton to Calgary (3 hour drive each way). As much as getting pregnant is my #1 priority, of course I start getting overwhelmed just thinking about juggling all these things. I don't like getting overwhelmed. Then, what happens ??? the next day I get a phone call from the Fertility Clinic in Edmonton (after being on the waitlist for 9 months). They have an appointment for me in July and I'm just about to turn in down because I know they don't do IVF. Then the receptionist informs me they have started doing IVF in September!!! Which really I think they should have plastered this information all over City Hall, Bus Stops and Street Signs, so people like me would know what the heck is going on!!! So, I basically put myself through the stress of the Calgary referral process for nothing. I can do the IVF at home, and not have to travel.

I cannot believe my luck. I hope this works out OK, because having this process done at home is of course ideal, considering if by time I start this its coming on fall/winter. So, just goes to show as much stress we put on ourselves for no good reason, it all comes together nicely in the end. Now, I hope I will be saying this in a few short months after the IVF.

Off the Waitlist

2009-05-21T15:09:00.005-06:00

I am officially off the wait list as of one hour ago. I finally made an appointment at the Fertility Clinic. I am so happy. Everything to do with IF is so about waiting, its so hard to live 'in the moment' when you go through this process. But I can be happy today in this moment knowing I have an appointment on July 16th. Yes, that is 6 weeks away which may seem like an eternity for some but for me that's nothing. I can actually now plan my summer and live my life not being in limbo of the dreaded wait list. I guess for those of you not from Canada and going through IVF you may not know the torture that is the wait list. In Canada, even though everyone here is covered for health care (though IVF is not covered but significantly cheaper) you have to wait, and wait and wait for any referral to any kind of specialist including the RE.

I am lucky as I did speed things up by going to California to see an RE, who then referred me to the clinic here. But otherwise I would still be waiting to see the RE in Edmonton (I was referred Sept 08 and haven't got a call yet), who would then refer me to the RE in Calgary (where they perform the IVF). So I am at least 6+ months ahead of the game. So I consider myself very, very blessed.

Now, we have two months of 'trying' for the bargain price of $0 before we have to lay down our $6,000+ for IVF. But I know I'm just in waiting for more waiting:

1) Waiting to start IVF

2) Waiting to see if I produce some good eggs

3) Waiting to see if we produce some good embryos

4) Waiting for transfer

5) Waiting for positive HPT or Beta

I AM happy today, the rest can wait.

Phone Tag and Pinchy Uterus

2009-05-19T22:03:00.002-06:00

So, finally finally finally the Fertility Clinic called and left a message for me. I'm so special. I was expecting this call three months from now, so to say this is a pleasant surprise is an outrageous understatement. Now, if I could only get a hold of this lady to confirm my first appointment. Is the appointment going to be in one short month from now or three months down the line? Well, I could find this out, if only we weren't playing agonizing phone tag. I call and leave my cell number she calls my house number, I call back and leave my house number she calls my cell. Needless to say I'm never around the phone she calls. But at least, she knows I want the appointment and we will be getting around to making it soon.

Interestingly enough I am 5DPO and feeling some slight cramping and pinchyness in my left lower abdomen. Who knows, I'm just saying its a little weird. But I've had these kind of pangs before usually 10DPO which is always accompanied the next day by AF. Not sure what to think of it. This is the 20th cycle of trying, wouldn't it be great? Can't ever let the hope die, but I am not holding my breath. I will be happiest when I actually get through to that lady at the Fertility Clinic, that will be the highlight of this week. And we will see if something interesting happens /or doesn't happen next week.

Waiting For Backyard Oasis

2009-05-08T20:50:00.002-06:00

So, we moved into our house in July 07. It was a brand new house in a new development, so given we didn't have a backyard that year. The next year, our builder said they would do the rough grade on our yard in May, it didn't get finished until September. Partly Builder's fault, partly Mother Nature as it rained all bloody summer last year. So, that summer just was torture without a yard.

Now this year we are really trying to be on the ball and get our yard done pronto. Now that we have the puppy, we are just dying for this yard. We thought she was thoroughly house trained but lately now that she is 6 months old she is having accidents on the carpet. We have had her checked out by the vet and she may have some sort of bladder inflammation/crystal forming condition. I think that if we get the yard done, she will be better because when I take her for walks or to the dog park all she wants to do is pee and pee and pee. I think she has figured out that peeing outside is natural for dogs and that's what she wants to do.

Tomorrow we are probably going to go pick up some patio furniture because we just can't wait.
Would love to get one of those patio fire pits too. And I'm going to go crazy planting things in the backyard, flowers, vegetables, bushes, trees the whole shebang. I didn't realize when you move to a new development how deprived you feel of nature. There's nothing surrounding us but dirt and dust and more dirt, I long for anything green. So, by June I should have my backyard oasis, then me and Ruby will just be lounging babes.

Facebook Drama

2009-05-02T10:35:00.002-06:00

So, Aunt Flo strikes again. And I don't just mean my monthly tampon demon, I'm speaking of my actual Aunt whose name is Florence. I blogged about her before http://soul-in-progress.blogspot.com/2008/12/af-af-af-how-i-hate-thee.html. I'm kinda into posting links that I like on Facebook these days, so I decided to post the link for Exhale magazine. I was just thinking it may help some people who are my 'friends' on Facebook, who I don't know super well because they are friends of friends or my husband's friends wives. Since the magazine deals with issues from IF to miscarriage to stillborn. So, I put the link up there and then I get this response from her (Aunt Flo):

"I'm so hurt you have to go through this. All I can say is from when I was trying to get pregnant, the best thing you can do to get pregnant is not thinking about it and not wanting it so bad. And also, Vitamin C is the key to getting pregnant".

This is the abbreviated version, but you get the drift. I thought well I just invited that in, didn't I. I thought about it for a day after I read it, then in the middle of painting one of the bedrooms in our house I just had to drop everything and write her a response.
I was so mad, so I wrote:

"This is the journey I am on and I am dealing the best I can. What I don't need is flippant advice about Vitamin C and that not wanting something will make it happen. If you read the magazine I've linked maybe you could get a better perspective on what people with infertility go through and you could show some more sensitivity".

I am not one to usually fly off the handle like this but I don't like this Aunt anyways, so I thought it was the perfect outlet for my hostility. I don't like being a friend with her on Facebook anyways and this gave me a perfect opportunity to block her, which I did. I don't want her commenting on my life no more. So, she did write me a response which was like a novel in length, all about how she says she tried for her kids for 6 years which I think is a bunch of bull since you don't go from being IF for 6 years to having 3 kids in less than 4 years (which she did).
She was probably ignorant to when she actually ovulated (being the late 70's and all). Then she continued to write about good ole Vitamin C and then went on to name countless people she knew who have had miscarriages. Just because she knows people who have gone through this, she obviously doesn't know the appropriate thing to say to people. Oh well, good riddance.

Footnote: A little gossip and back story here. This is one of my Mom's 5 sisters who is just a nutcase and has borrowed countless sums of money from the extended family and never paid it back. She owes one of my Aunt's $60,000, and this Aunt she owes is single and now of pension age and barely scraping by. So, Aunt Flo is just one of those relative you just don't want to be related to.

Extreme Ruby Makeover

2009-04-28T10:32:00.002-06:00

Uh oh, I turned my puppy into a poodle. Not so much off the top next time.

Spring Makeover

2009-04-24T11:35:00.003-06:00

I can't say I was really inspired by the weather outside, because here in Edmonton its friggin cold. But I decided to give my blog a spring makeover. Formally 'The Path of Promise', I now want to look at my situation with a little more humor and acceptance, hence 'The Road Less Fertilized'. That's not to say I won't have anymore 'poor me' posts cause everyone has those days and a blog really helps to get out those emotions. But I have been much inspired by all the ladies struggling with IF and their blogs and I hope to see things with a full range of emotions. So, spring has sprung and a new phase begun.