The Self-Pitying Blues

I found in my thirties I have been pretty much able to accept myself the way I am. Not so much longing to be perfect and beautiful like I did in my twenties. But the one thing that propels me into the stratosphere of self-loathing is my skin. I have battled with acne for twenty years now. And with all the thousands of dollars I have spent on skin care regimes and medications, the only thing that really helps is the birth control pill. I met my husband three years ago and of course I was on the pill and in a good skin phase of my life, for once. Of course I had scars but I had always had scars and have perfected my make-up application over twenty years. So, he basically got to know me with pretty clear skin.

Now that we have been TTC for a year and a half I have had to go off my beloved pill and the terror of horrible skin had returned. I mean I don't just get the occasional whitehead, but deep cystic acne stuff which is horrible and painful and can be seen from space on my pale white skin.
I know my husband will love me no matter what, but its hard to feel sexy or lovable like this. I would love to be the girl who can just go anywhere without make-up on but I just can't. So, my depression over not getting pregnant is compounded with how I feel about myself, which has also brought on my extra 10 pounds.

And this week, well I my as well just claim my crown as 'Miss Uuggglllyy Canada 2009'. My skin is a mess, I have a horrible cold, two cold sores on my lips, my roots are pretty much 50% grey and need to be redone and my period has arrived which makes me want to scream. I know my problems are minimal compared to most people in this world, but a blog rant is so helpful. I really don't want to be complaining to anyone in person because they always just try to make you look on the brighter side but today is my self-pitying blues day and if I could put it to some cool blues music I would.

Best place to go if you are babyless -- Vegas

Took a girls trip to Vegas last week with my best friend. We had a great time and didn't hardly gamble and what I mean is she gambled $15 and I gambled $40. What kind of experience you have in Las Vegas is all in the company you keep. If you are busy doing stuff like sight-seeing, shopping, spa, day-hiking, people-watching, fine-dining, pool time, Wayne Brady show, lion watching at MGM and just relaxing -- you don't even think about gambling. And it does always surprise me when I go to Las Vegas that families go there. But I can see it now that if you partake in all the other attractions offered you wouldn't feel the need to gamble even if you have your kids with you. Although it is still a strange sight watching a women trying to maneuver a double stroller through a casino. Last time I went to Las Vegas (in November) with my husband and two other couples we did alot of the same stuff but definitely more gambling. Of course, I love going with my hubby but with a 'girls trip' you definitely get to do more of the things you want to do.

The first time I went to Las Vegas I was with my family, but I thought my parents were just weird for taking us. We got to go to Disneyland on the same trip. I was 14, so I basically got to babysit my sister and brother in the Circus Circus arcade/amusement centre. These were the days when the casinos parts were blocked by velvet ropes and you couldn't walk through unless you were 21. So, my Mom & Dad would bid us farewell and walk into the forbidden zone. Now in Vegas everybody can walk everywhere pretty much.

When I end up with my little family, will I go to Las Vegas with them? I think my answer is no. I think Las Vegas should be a parents Disneyland. Leave the kids at home and have a blast.

Pictures shown - 1) Entrance to TAO restaurant at the Venetian 2) Strking a pose outside New York New York 3) Incredible 'King of the Jungle' at MGM 4) Entrance to Bathouse Spa at Mandalay Bay 5) Hiking at Red Rock Conservation Park

The Waiting Game

So, I am now officially referred to the Calgary Fertility Clinic. The wait is 6 months to get in....OMG I'm going to be 42 before I have a kid. I have to be positive though, if I had waited just to get into Edmonton then be referred to Calgary I'd be looking at a year from now. So, I have to give myself credit for taking initiative to see the RE in California, which has definitely sped up this process. I am going to look at these next 6 months as 'Bargain Price Baby', if I do get pregnant we just saved ourselves thousands of dollars, if not then IVF is just around the corner.

I just finished watching the Michael Moore movie 'Sicko'. He painted a picture of the Canadian Universal Health Program as being the epitome of health management. While I do appreciate our system alot, and would not want to have the HMO's like in the United States --- the waitlist thing is just torture. I guess both systems have their merit, but the U.S. system only benefits those with money. I mean luckily I had the means to pay for the tests I needed in California, otherwise I would be waiting, and waiting some more to get these tests done in Canada but they wouldn't cost me anything. So, what's more valuable time or money??? When it comes to that feeling and longing in your heart to finally have your child growing inside, time is definitely worth all the money in the world.

So, as I am dying for this winter to be over for many reasons, I will be patient and hopeful. Everything is going to happen or not happen when it needs to.