Poke

I started my injections today. The mixing of the two shots was no treat. I hope I become an expert at doing it by the end of the week. Seems like such a short time now, only 10 days until the retrieval. I remember when we were doing the IUI's it felt like the injections lasted forever. I know its only day 1 but I think this time it will go by fast. All depending on how I feel of course. The worst I ever felt on the Gonal-F was like a near coma. This weekend should be interesting since I have to overnight babysit my two young nieces. Thank goodness my teenage niece is going to help me out.

Getting really excited over this whole prospect and feeling really good and positive. DH is doing well at work and was able to give himself a bonus (self-employed). So, expenses are going well and I'm not too worried about the dent this IVF is creating in our finances. Just trying hard not to do too much. I got all my major gardening done, which is good. Went for another massage today and it only hurt 30% of the time (deep tissue). Will try to just be chill and relax for the next couple weeks....if possible.

Fixin to Mixin

I had my ultrasound on Wednesday and everything checked out. Whew! I am set to start my injections on Monday night. I have to do some mixing this time with the Luveris (powder and water), then mix the Gonal-F into that stuff. So a little more complicated this time. I'm already a pin cushion with my bi-weekly acupuncture treatments, so one extra poke isn't going to phase me.

I just sent out a Facebook message to close friends and family letting them know the IVF is happening in the next two weeks. I was debating whether I should do this or not, but then thought they all know its coming up anyway. Its hard to know how private I should be anymore. I basically just asked them all to put us in their prayers or intentions to the universe (however they speak to the higher being). I believe in the power of others thinking/praying/hoping for you, so I know it will help. So, I also will ask it of you my dear IF sisters who happen to read this. Keep me in your prayers, and be rest assured you are always in mine.

Survived

I survived another one of those outings with all my DH's friends wives. You know the ladies who all have children and whose conversation all evening is 95% children-related. Yes, fun for me as always, so much for me to contribute. Really it annoys me but at the same time encourages me to think about how I want to be when I'm a mother. Do I want all my conversational content to revolve around my child; is there nothing else to talk about? Hopefully not.

Bombshell dropped. As I was entering into my third hour at the women's chat table, the guy who was hosting the get-together comes in the house (all the men were outside) and announces that the reason the last couple just left was because the women is pregnant (was feeling sick). I was surprised the women's table was so quiet. Weird. Isn't this what they look most forward to - a pregnancy announcement?? Were they being quiet on my account, I doubt it. I said it was great, and I meant that. The woman who is pregnant is a really nice person, who I don't know well but hope to.

Honestly though some dread did go through my heart when I heard the announcement. The 'everyone but me' feeling. It can really take a toll on you, but I kept it together and I am proud of myself. I don't want to tarnish anyone else's happiness. They aren't trying to make me feel bad, I know this. And its their baby, not one they are taking away from me. I want mine. I wish I could lay low from all social engagements while all this IVF is going on, but that is difficult. Next hurdle is my niece's birthday party next weekend, where my sister-n-law's relatives who have no couth about asking me if I'm pregnant will be there. Sorry, but for the sake of self-preservation I will be doing some major hiding out at that party.

Timeline update: four days until first ultrasound and bloodwork to determine if I'm supressed

Forgive Yourself

I'm putting behind me the last two and a half years. All the disappointment, frustration, questioning, sadness. It was a pretty miserable time for me, when it should have been the most exciting period of my life. I had just gotten married after searching and searching (and finding!) my soul mate, and here I was obsessed with getting pregnant and NOT getting pregnant. My husband and I were still discovering each other, not having lived together before getting married. But there is nothing like a little infertility stress to add to the pot of a newly married couple; that will show you what you are really made of. We have made it through though and I love him more than ever. He is understanding and cares for me so deeply, but I know he just wants our life to 'keep going' and not be at such a standstill.

I am forgiving myself for feeling so insecure and having such disappointment in myself, when really what else could I have really done. I am trying to conceive in my late thirties and before I was educated about all this IF stuff I really gave myself a hard time. Chastising myself for:

• every little slip I would make in my strict fertility enhancing eating regime
• blaming myself for possible blocked tubes (which of course didn't turn out to be the case)
• making myself feel like an outsider if I was the only one in the room with no children

I am finally now nurturing myself as I would nurture my child. I am releasing all these fears I've had for the past two years and facing what ever comes ahead. And I don't know what will come, but I can only live for now and I can only love me how I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart, caring woman and I am a great mother to me. And I want to be a great mother to you.

Weird??

So, I 've been on the BCP for the past ten days and my period hasn't stopped. I started taking it on the third day of my period and still it goes on. Not full blown AF, but still remnants. Usually I'm done after about 5-7 days, so I'm not sure what is going on. Is my body just adjusting to BCP and getting rid of all the excess (pardon the term) gunk I had up there? Maybe someone out there who has gone through IVF with the BCP can let me know. Of course, I'm wanting this cycle to be perfect in every way cause this is my shot. I will believe my body is just getting ready in its own way.

Its funny how they say the IVF cycle takes 6 weeks cause the first three on the BCP doesn't really feel part of it. I've never had problems on BCP and actually use to love being on it. BCP made life so much easier - no cramps, clock-work periods, nice skin. But the date is approaching (the 26th) where they will check if I'm really suppressed. Hope BCP is keeping the ole ovaries in line.

R-E-S-->B-C-P Find out what it means to me!

Back on the BCP for three weeks as I start my very first IVF cycle. Super excited and praying everything goes smoothly. Also, started on the prescribed preg-vit to get the extra folic acid and iron. I've been keeping my stress levels low and will continue my audio relaxation sessions and visualization. And trying really hard to keep the caffeine and alcohol content at zero. Stepping up my acupuncture treatments to twice a week starting May 25th. This is alot of effort and I want it to pay off!

Mother's Day was OK for me, I think past couple ones I've been pretty sad. I do always get something from my step-daughter and that always makes me feel special --so I don't feel totally excluded from the day. Thank goodness for Vanessa! And I can always hug and kiss my furry child to death if I want to, and a multitude of kisses do come back to me, even if they are slobbery.

At the Starting Gate

Yipee! Hooray! Today, my IVF cycle was confirmed to start. I'm so relieved. I didn't want to wait another cycle, so I am feeling pretty great right now. I have to cherish this feeling because soon I will be back to the anxiety-riddled stim phase and everything else that comes with IVF. The nurse told me my first U/S would be May 26th and my retrieval would be June 11th. This is working out perfectly so far. I was worried it was going to coincide with some plans DH and I had (separate plans actually). Now we can both go do our fun activities (Lilith Fair for me and Golf Weekend for him) while I'm on my 2WW. Nice to think I have a great distraction already planned to get me through 2WW.

I start my three weeks on the BCP on Saturday. My old friend BCP, it will be a nice little reunion. Hope she clears up my skin while we have this nice little visit. And it looks like my DH can put the IVF through the business so its a write-off, so that's good news as well. Now all we need is the extra special good news following the 2WW. Please keep us in your prayers for the middle of June. I was so excited to read some posts lately of fellow IF sisters who have just delivered or just about to deliver and also a IVF sister who just announced a positive beta. Gives us all hope ladies.