Not Good

Its gone from worry to super worry. Last tonight and today I had dripping blood coming out. Dark red blood but enough to make me really worry. I'm not feeling so pregnant anymore either. I feel like my symptoms have gone away -- less hunger, less tender boobs, less tired. These are not good signs. I called the clinic again today and talked to the nurse. She didn't sound too optimistic when I said it was red blood, so I'm going to do my HCG/Progesterone tomorrow.

I know bleeding is not uncommon in the first trimester but its really hard to remain optimistic when you see it. I'm thinking wow I got to be happy for about 10 days, I was pregnant finally! I don't feel super sad as of yet, I still have hope. Feeling a bit numb actually, "Is this really happening?"

Worry Wart

Getting pregnant was so hard, I hope staying pregnant without going insane is not. I had my third HCG test on Tuesday and my level had gone from 313 to 1834. So, I was flying high for the last few days. We have gotten a little to loose lipped with telling people, but its hard not to when most of them know we are going through fertility treatments. Hope that is not a mistake.

Worrying about everything has set in. Especially since yesterday as I am having some spotting and discharge. So far it is mostly either watery pink or brown. I have been scanning the forums and many women on there have experienced this through first trimester and everything was OK. Some articles said it is old blood from implanting or your missed period. I HOPE SO. I am very nervous. I left a message at the clinic this morning, so I hope they call me back and tell me the same thing.

My symptoms for the past week have been some cramping feelings but not severe, extreme hunger and tiredness. No nausea or vomiting yet thank goodness. How does anyone get through the first trimester? I think I may go crazy. Still doing my relaxation sessions to calm my nerves and enjoying looking at my pregnancy aps daily seeing how baby is changing and growing. It is so amazing how fast they grow in the first 10 weeks.

I hope and pray my baby will be OK. Please send your good thoughts my way.

2nd Hurdle

HCG on Friday was 313, which the nurse described as super! Joe Embryo is making Mama proud so far.....Grow Joe! Actually this is kinda a joke in our house now because my husband mentioned that his pick for a boy's name would be Joe, and I was like no way! I'm sorry but Joe is just too generic for me. I told him I get total vito on that cause I've been the one probed, stabbed and jabbed for three years. He wouldn't let up until his daugther laughed at the name yesterday.

I have to do another HCG test on Tuesday before they will schedule the first ultrasound. So, flipping excited right now. Of course, diving into everything baby. Downloaded like 8 pregnancy apps to my ipod. Got out my pregnancy books which I bought three years ago. Got to write in the pregnancy journal I bought three years ago. Please keep growing Joe, Mama is so happy you are here. Thanks to all you for your congratulations, your support means so much to me.

BFP!

I know I have been MIA for quite a while. Just needed some space to not think about IF so much. The past 6 weeks has been preparation for my FET, which was done on October 17th. The 2WW was rocky as most are, but mid way through I really had my doubts. I really expected that I would be 'feeling' more. Luckily, with encouragement from a pregnant woman of all people and checking online, a lot of women do no have any signs. So, my beta testing day approached and I had some spotting, and I can't tell how many times in the past I believed it was implantation bleeding when it wasn't. I was somewhat devastated and decided to wait one day to go for my beta test in case it was AF. The next day there was no sign of AF which was unusual, cause if she is going to come, she comes.

So I went for my test yesterday late afternoon. They ran it STAT and someone called me from the clinic like 90 minutes later. Before I got the call I went for a walk with Ruby and said to myself over and over again what the conversation from the clinic was going to be like. "Andrea, Congratulations!" I got home the call came and that was the conversation I had. I was of course an emotional wreck with happy tears/sobs galore. She didn't tell me what my HCG was, but it was positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BFP my first one ever! I can't tell you how happy and relieved I am. But the true test is still to come. Tomorrow is my second HCG test, and I am hoping, praying for a doubling.

This is an unbelievable feeling, and I wish it for all my IF sisters out there. Three years of nothing and now finally some joy! Please prayer for me that my baby continues to grow and be strong.

Slacker

Such a slacker with the blogging lately. I started my nasal spray (suppression phase) yesterday. Have to really focus on remembering to nasal pump four times daily. Yesterday, I was so busy with going to a funeral, meeting a friend for coffee, then finishing painting a room at my in-laws. I still remembered to take all my doses miraculously. Everyone keeps telling me "I feel it, this is the one", God do I want to believe that. Its definitely going to be the least stressful one. I am going with flow as much as I can and just seeing what God is going to give me.

I basically have a resistant uterus (and I now accept that) and live in a country where you can't shop around for another fertility clinic. Well, you can but you basically have to go to another city and forfeit any type of a life. I'm feeling like the last three years have been a waste for so many reasons, I'm just not willing to do that. I have two more tries and if I'm meant to be a mother this is when it will happen. Otherwise, I will get to sleep in for the rest of my life, not change any diapers, take as many vacations as I want and not have to worry about babysitting arrangements, always have a fairly clean, organized house and be a overall happy person (I say this in reference to the study done recently that said people with kids are less happy than people without). Either life path would be perfect, just have to wait and see how the 'guy upstairs' rolls the dice. Since I'm through putting the burden of fault on myself....no more of that. Guilt should have no place in IF.