Game Over

Wish I could say I had a happy ending, but no such luck. BFN today. Although I pretty much knew a couple of days ago with some spotting. My weekend away turned very sad, very quick. Luckily I had Lilith Fair to distract me a bit. I have my sad moments of course, but feeling mostly numb. We do have five frozen embryos which gives us hope. Probably won't be able to do FET until September as the clinic is closed for two weeks in July-August.

Its pretty sad when you are so used to disappointment that you don't feel anything as strongly anymore. Life goes on. I have a great life and don't want to linger in sadness and regret for a whole summer. Already called the rescue society for a foster dog, will go look at some on Friday. Think I will take a quilting class and running class for the rest of the summer if they are offered. Plan on going to every festival I can to take advantage of probably my last non-working summer.

Everyone survives a broken heart, too bad my heart is so scarred.

Feeling The Crazies

These drugs are killing me. I'm tired, I'm depressed and Monday can't come soon enough. My mood just dropped a couple days ago and I am hoping its pregnancy hormones. I'm bored and I'm lonely. DH went on his annual golf trip with the guys and Ruby went to my parents house so I wouldn't be tempted to pick her up. She's only ten pounds but I carry her alot and I'm trying not to do any lifting. Hence, I am very bored! Want to do more gardening but don't want to over do it. Want to visit my nieces but can't pick the baby up. Took a HPT test today just because I'm into the crazies and can't help it. It was negative.

I am scouring websites/forums for news on when people got their first +HPT post transfer and many say 6dpt is too early. Made me feel better for a little while. Also, had a vivid sex dream while I was napping yesterday. Lets just say I got that special feeling, woke up, freaked out, then had severe cramping for 10 minutes. Convinced I had just wrecked everything I scoured the forums again and I guess this is quite common with all the hormones racing through us. The cramping was pretty bad though and that probably means uterine contractions, but what could I do it happened in my sleep.

Tried to get cheered up by going to the movie 'Babies' yesterday. It was such a cute film and it did make me feel better. So, glad I'm going away this weekend to see Lilith Fair in Calgary. Though I did cancel my spa appointments that I had booked for Saturday because I wasn't sure they were safe -- have read conflicting things about massage/spas and first trimester. Monday is the day I'm going for beta and I said I would get myself a Marble-Slab Ice Cream Cone if its positive but I think I'm going to have the cone just for making it to Monday in one piece.

TIK TOK

2WW = Obsession = Hell
Time is going sooooooooooooo slowwwwly. How does one survive the 2WW from Hell??????Guess I will have to tell you after next Tuesday. I'm struggling a bit and obsessively reading internet postings on implantation and pregnancy signs. I'm sure everyone post-transfer goes through this.

I totally didn't time my reading schedule correctly because I just finished two page turners and now there is nothing. I need a great book to distract me. There are the other two books that I've been trying to finish for 6 months and can never get into. Eat, Pray, Love is one. Of course it is much hyped so I wanted to see what the fuss was about. I just cannot connect to her character because she is in the exact opposite place I'm in; not wanting to be married and not wanting kids. The other is City of Glass which is the third book in a urban fantasy series. The first two I liked but the finale is dragging on and I just want to skip to the end. I always try to finish books though, its just one of my obsessive things.

Started one of DH's books last night; a Jason Bourne continuation. Hoping the action of the book will keep my obsessive thoughts at bay. That's right I'm an ex-secret agent not a lady waiting on a blood test cause that is way cooler.

Smooth Operator

My embryo transfer went very smoothly. I had to wait an extra hour, so that was not so fun with a full bladder. We were told our embies were excellent in terms of size, grade etc. Everyone is the transfer room was so positive about it. I left there feeling so good. My RE is too funny, he was cracking so many jokes the nurse had to tell him to pipe down because she was having trouble with the ultrasound cause I was shaking so much (with laughter). We got to choose the tunes in the background because they had an ipod on a speaker system. On retrieval day I chose Michael Buble, and today I chose John Denver. John Denver music just makes me feel happy and good. My RE was laughing since he hadn't heard John Denver since childhood.

Nice to know my 2WW is only going to be nine days, so the torture won't last as long. I've got to study for my final exam which is on Tuesday, so that will keep my mind occupied for awhile. On Wednesday my friend and I are going to see the movie BABIES. So, babies will be on my mind that day. Then on Friday its off to Lilith Fair in Calgary. Beta test day is on the 28th.
'Take Me Home Country Road to the Place I Belong' - my embies theme song. They took their road to the place where they belong.

T Minus 1 to Transfer

Wow, this is my 90th post! And only one day away from embryo transfer. Am I nervous? Of course who wouldn't be. Getting set to let my baby grow. Eating the pineapple today, getting an Egg McMuffin tomorrow. Funny how we will believe anything and do anything for what we want. Can't hurt right? My acupuncturist is so awesome she is going to give me a free session right before my transfer. So, uterus will be calm and full of great blood flow.

Reading up on Day 5 embryos and I guess a lot of them may not make it to Day 5. I am preparing to hear that my 15 are now 8 or something. The strongest ones will prevail, which is the important thing. DH was asked if we would go to dinner tomorrow night at one of his friends. Sometimes, he can be such a bonehead. Does he really think I want to be socializing tomorrow? I want to be totally zen and stress free, and conversing with his friends doesn't leave me that way. First I said yes cause he was standing there with the phone in his hand, waiting to tell his friend my response. Then anger set in, and later I said NO! C'mon, I really don't need that kind of aggravation. Not that his friends are bad, but a small group (which is what there is suppose to be) will end up being a big one and I never have fun at those things. Glad I stood my ground.

Five days is a long time to wait, want my embies in my soon. They need to be with mama. Looking forward to a smooth transfer tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers.