Back from Vegas...again

Yes, this is the second time I've been to Las Vegas this year. Its just such a cheap and easy vacation to take, until you get there of course. I did a bit of damage in the shopping department on purpose. I didn't want to think, oh maybe I shouldn't buy this at this size cause I might be pregnant soon (this thinking which has dominated my shopping habits for three years). I am so sick of postponing everything....in life. We had a really good time, but it was damn hot. I could only stay at the pool from 9 am to noon because after that I would just fry. My husband and stepdaughter are lucky with their beautiful cocoa skin they don't have to worry about sunburns. I had to lather myself constantly, and I am excited to report I DID NOT get a sunburn which is rare for me.

AF started her slow decent in Vegas and while the warning signs are there she still hasn't arrived yet. This spotting stuff is getting worse, possibly indicating my journey to menopause or something, who knows? I am suppose to call the clinic on CD1 to set into motion our FET. I don't know if I should wait for next month, I don't feel like I'm in a positive state of mind yet. But going to clinic appointments would be so much easier this month than next month when I'm back in school.

All I can say is that my husband is a saint. My acupuncturist in her crazy ways wants to test my husband's sperm. Besides acupuncture she also does this specialized acupressure treatment for allergies. I did many sessions of this treatment with her a couple years ago for all my food allergies, and it helped me greatly. She now wants to test my husband's sperm just to make sure my body is not rejecting it. This would be interesting after three years to find I am allergic to his sperm. I know my acupuncturist really cares about me and wants nothing more than to get me preggo....but I'm just starting to feel like this is a money trap.

I met up with my best friend last night and an acquaintance of hers who is going through IF. She has no one to talk to about IF, and my friend thought it would good if we met. We discussed our stories and she is at the same clinic as me (well the only one where we live), and she has done three IUI's with clomid. She is still at the "positive about everything" stage, while I feel I've progressed to the "realistic but hopeful" stage. She of course has had emotional ups and downs like all of us going through IF, but her positivity was admirable. Should I still be at that stage? How can you be after 3 years and 3 failed IUI's and one failed IVF? I wish I could get my positive attitude back, but I need to be realistic because I don't want to be punched in the gut by despair if it doesn't go my way. Help!!!! I need the Positivity Police and I need them now!

My First Quilt

When you don't have kids....yet, you have hobbies. This has been an intense two weeks of quilting. I took 6 quilting classes in two weeks, and had to do a couple of blocks (for homework) each night. This is definitely one way to get my mind off IF and keep me super busy. I know its just my first quilt but I love it! And I'm only going to get better from here. This is my new expensive hobby to rival with DH's expensive golfing habit. Now I know why quilts at Farmer's Markets are so darn expensive. The cost of my fabric was about $150, but well worth it. The fabrics are mostly batiks and I love the way they look. And I just bought three quilting books online from Amazon and have about ten others reserved at the library. I have always loved sewing but haven't had anything to sew for awhile...once all the drapes and pillows were done for the house. And there are so many quilting courses to take, how fun.

I'm still in some state of grief from the IVF failure. One of the stages, not denial but maybe some guilt and some depression. I haven't gotten back to that renewed hopeful stage yet which I can usually get to. I know the diagnosis should have helped me feel hopeful again, but I'm too worn out. As I said to one of my friends regarding my implantation issue....they don't want to stay at my hotel. The embryos are looking for an upgrade and that's just a bit insulting. C'mon little embryos I'd love nothing more than to be your home for the next 40 weeks.

Finally...A Diagnosis

Well, we got to see our RE for the follow-up. I really like our RE but he is such a busy guy he really doesn't remember who you are. He does so much at the clinic and hospital that he doesn't remember individual patients. He had to read through the chart again to figure out that we were there because IVF failed two weeks ago. And I was a bit frustrated because we had to wait an hour to see him. Anyways, he reviewed our information and determined that we have an implantation issue. FINALLY!!!! after three years I know what's wrong with me.

Since we have no other issues in any realm of fertility, implantation was by process of elimination our problem. I was still a bit pessimistic at this point because I thought he was going to say to just try the FET and see what happens. He actually suggested a treatment we could use during the FET to improve our chances. Now we are talking! An endometrial biopsy will be done five days before transfer to stimulate the lining and give a better chance at implantation. He used the number 80% success with this procedure, but I don't want to get too excited. At least there is a next course of action... something new to try for our next two FETs. He then said if that wasn't successful we would be looking at doing another IVF with a surrogate as our best chance. That would definitely not be happening, I don't see us going down the surrogate road.

Surrogacy would definitely put us in the poor house and I want to carry my own baby. Our plan would be to try the two FETs, then move on to a life with just the two of us from there. I think we will be going for the next one in August. Even though the clinic is closed for two weeks starting the 24th, our RE said someone would still be around taking calls and we could call when my cycle starts and get started on meds for the FET. So, that was good news as well. No use delaying this any longer. I want to enjoy the summer, but going to the numerous appointments is so much easier when there's no school/work involved to maneuver around.

Have to get busy sewing three more blocks of my quilt today, I have finished three others so far. Really enjoying the process of sewing a quilt....its a great way to focus my mind on something else.

I'm OK, are you OK?

Its been a week since the BFN, and I'm doing OK. Really I am. I cried off and on for a few days but after three years of this I feel cried out. The worst part about the BFN was having to tell all the people I asked to pray for me. Especially my step-daugther, she was crying and I felt so bad. I didn't want to make her cry. I told her not to worry about me, and that's what really snapped me out of my sadness. We have an appointment with our RE on Thursday to discuss the aftermath. He probably won't be able to tell us much I suspect, but I want to ask him some questions about FET.

I decided I am still going to have a fun summer and not mope over this for two months...what's the point in that? We had a foster dog over the weekend. We named her Daisy. She was a 3 month old Lab Cross, and a big handful. We only kept her for the weekend because she was slated to go to another foster home. She and Ruby didn't get along too well. While both love to play, Daisy was too aggressive with her play and Ruby was constantly yelping and snarling at her, poor Ruby. Was really hoping I could get her a playmate for the summer, oh well.

I started a two-week quilting course today. I go Mon, Wed, Fri for two weeks in the mornings. I'm excited to make my first ever quilt. I picked out fabrics today that are aqua, purple and dark lime green. The fabrics are all batiks and the patterns remind me of the ocean. Obviously, my ultimate goal would be to make a baby quilt someday.....God willing.