Picturing It

I can picture it so clearly. Me, big and preggers in a green maternity top with a sweater cardigan. This is the image I use when I do my visualization. I'm putting the message out there, that my true desire is to be pregnant and I can picture my beautiful baby with black hair and big brown eyes like my DH. I'm feeling really good lately, about the whole situation. Just counting down the days till I call the IVF nurse to let her know my cycle started and that I want to get on with this. A little stressed though, cause I don't know for sure if they will let me start. I really really hope they do. Putting your fertility is someone else's hands is just as stressful as leaving it in your own. Many uncertainties either way.

I was watching this movie called Motherhood today with Uma Thurman, haven't finished it yet but she is an overwhelmed mother in New York. She mostly talks with other mothers about how hard it is to be a mother and she has this husband who doesn't help her too much. I was watching and thinking will I be like that in a year, complaining about motherhood and taking for granted all I've gone through with IF???
NO WAY! One thing I can say for sure is when you've struggled like all of us with IF, I don't think we would take any of it for granted. Sure, we might complain because everyone has the right to do so -- no matter how badly and to what lengths you went through for your child. But I will relish all my time as a mother because I believe it will go pretty fast...18 years and they are on their own. Then I will enjoy being their friend.

Free As A Bird

I finished my last exam today, and so comes the end to my first year of Library Technician schooling. It was a good year, I did really well and I am looking forward to working in this field. So, now comes the waiting and anticipating the start of IVF. Whether or not I really get to start in May and all that comes with that. I have lots of plans for things I want to do over the summer cause I won't be working (just to make life easier with the IVF stuff).

• Gardening
• Taking a quilting course
• A couple of trips (one to Vegas with DH/Step-daughter, one to Kelowna)
• Get Ruby into a Pet Therapy program
• Maybe adopt another dog
• Do an online course for school
• Number acupuncture visits to co-ordinate with IVF
• Keep doing my daily visualization and meditation
• Just visit with people and enjoy the warm weather

Is that enough? Gotta keep myself busy especially in the next month, so I don't go crazy with thinking about whether IVF will work or not. Oh, and the leg numbness thing has dissipated, thank goodness. Don't worry I'll probably have some other weird symptom next week.

Weird Symptoms

OK, I hate being a hypochondriac but weird symptoms always happen to me. This week I've been experiencing numbness in my left foot. Its not totally numb but just mild pins and needles constantly. So, thanks to the hypochondriac-inducing thing known as the Internet I now think I have a variety of diseases. Diabetes, or some sort of neuropathy were the first to spring out at me on wrongdiagnosis.com. But I'm just going to chill and see what some days of major rest do for me. I only have one exam left next week and its going to be open book, so nothing major. Then its time for me to relax and start preparing for IVF. Get myself in tip-top shape physically and mentally. I wanted to start IVF this month but the clinic said I still had to be on the waitlist until next month. Hope there aren't any more delays, ready to see what IVF can do for me. This is our last chance. We are basically only going to do one IVF then move on with life.

My Arch Nemesis

Well, I was out for the count this week when my arch-nemesis came back into town ---Strep Throat. I usually get it once a year and its just the worst. You feel like you're going to die and you can't even swallow or enjoy food. The three days before I got my antibiotics were hell. You get sick of pudding and soup real fast. I feel better now, still have a residual dry cough. And Aunt Flo is back in town and I need to go for the AFC test. Of course, this has to land in the middle of stuff I can't miss (in order to go to the clinic), a test and a group project at school. So, I'm hoping and praying that they fit me in on the one day I can go. This test has to be done between CD2-4 and if I call tomorrow that would be Sunday to Tuesday and my Sunday and Tuesday mornings are both booked up. I can always get it done next month because I have decided to start the IVF process then but just want to get it checked off the list.

Talked with DH about the 'guilt' of the money. I wanted to make sure the spending of the IVF money was not going to leave a guilt-stain on us forever. I guess he can let go of it more easily than I can. Of course, if we succeed then the money will be a forgotten thing replaced by all our massive joy! But if its not successful how do you deal with the fact you are still childless and have just parted with some major bucks. I guess I just have to look at it as a wild trip to Vegas or something. Though hoping lady luck is really on our side this time and that the house loses.