Saturday, December 26, 2009

Holidays Better Than Expected

I actually had a pretty good Christmas Eve and Day. We went out to my sister n law's acreage on Thursday. They have an outdoor skating area and lots of property to wander about. My niece came with us and Chief did too. We left Ruby at my parents just because it was too cold for her to be wandering about. Chief had a great time just romping about in the snow, he loved it. We skated and took walks in the deep snow and played some board games inside. We then had a Greek Dinner, (we aren't Greek but my sister n law wanted to do something different). I actually had a good time and didn't think about my sadness too much. Thankfully, DH's cousin who recently got married (in September) didn't announce a pregnancy or anything, I was pretty afraid of that...thank you God.

Christmas Day was spent at my parents house, with less than the usual people there. My brother wasn't able to come home from his job, which happens alot (he works on off shore oil rigs). And my nephew went to Toronto to visit his mother. But having my other two little nieces around made the evening fun. My one niece is six and the other one is one years old. We opened gifts and played some games. There was some drama with all the doggies that were there, my Dad was all freaked that Chief was going to attack his dog and Chief is the biggest wimp ever. Then my sister n law brought over her dog (a min pin) who totally went after Chief and Chief was so scared. They eventually were OK with each other, but my Dad was in a pissy mood all night.

Its weird to say but I'm actually missing my trips to the fertility clinic. I guess its easier when I actually get to sit in the same room with people going through the same things as me. When I'm at home I just feel by myself in this crazy struggle. I really am thankful for all the supportive comments I've received from you wonderful ladies reading my blog. It really means alot to me to get your support and help me realize I'm not so alone. Please know that I appreciate all your comments and it definitely helps me try to look on the brighter side of things.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Alone & Confused

Didn't need to go for the beta test because AF came on Friday. I am feeling very alone, depressed and lost at the moment. I had major meltdowns on Friday and Saturday and of course had to do two major social functions. Friday was the party at my husband's friends house or as I like to call it "The Baby Parade", everybody in that group has kids and quite a few have brand new ones. My husband's best friend and fiancee have a newborn who has bad colic, so of course they have to complain about it. It is so infuriating for me because they don't realize how lucky they are. I guess none of The Fertiles will ever be able to relate to me and will always take their appreciation for their children for granted. I'm just feeling really alone and low right now, I don't know anyone personally going through this...its so isolating.

We won't be doing any treatments this month because the clinic is closed over the holidays. So, next month I guess we are planning on doing another round of IUI (which I'm starting to think is useless) and I just booked another follow-up appointment after that to discuss switching to IVF if it comes to that....but who are we kidding here I'm 38!

I know all this negativity really isn't good for my fertility, blah, blah, blah but I can't help it. I just have to wallow for awhile. My husband and I got in a tiff about going to that party, because I didn't want to and he said 'we can't stop living our life because of this'. I know he is right but I can't force myself to feel normal when I don't. I feel like a ticking time bomb of emotions just ready to blow!! I've never been a big Christmas person, but feeling even less in the spirit than usual. I hope for Christmas I can just start feeling like myself again, IF has really sucked out my will to have fun or feel good. As I wept into my DH's arms on Saturday, I said "I just don't know what to do anymore", and I really don't.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Trying Not To Think About It

Four days till I have to go do the beta test. I've been occupying myself over the past couple weeks with studying for exams and becoming a doggie foster parent. We welcomed Chief into our home on Friday, he is a sweet boy and watching him (like a hawk) so he doesn't try to pee in the house is keeping my mind pretty focused. Of course, I'm thinking about if I'm pregnant and the progesterone really helps my imagination go wild, because I've read most people don't get AF while on it. I believe I've been thinking about it probably 50% less than I was last month....I was looking at baby-name sites daily back then. I really don't know what to think, I've had a few weird days (5-7 days past IUI) where it felt really crampy but didn't want to read too much into that. Though my acupuncturist did and gave me one of those "this could be it" looks. One of the hardest parts of this whole process is watching everyone else get their hopes up to.

Well, going to go get the test done early Friday morning and hoping they will call me later that day. Because if its negative, I will be tying one on at the Christmas party we are having for DH's employees at our house on Saturday. Yes, I have to host a party the day after I may get a BFN! Sometimes my life is just a tragic comedy, a dramedy is what they call it I think.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Just Not Feeling It

Well, its beginning to look ALOT like Christmas around here. Big snowstorm is billowing down on us, as I write this. Hasn't stop snowing for hours. Weird to say it, but its finally nice that winter has arrived, doesn't feel like Christmas till it does. So, I'm feeling like its Christmas but not feeling like I'm pregnant. Had my IUI on Wednesday, and let me tell you that was 'no day at the spa'. First, the nurse who I warned I had a retroverted uterus tried to insert the catheter and failed (after inserting two different speculums ---ouch!!) Then, my RE who I hardly ever see when I go into the clinic decided to give it a go and while he tried to make the experience as comfortable as he could, it was painful. And I felt cramping and pain for the rest of the day.

So, of course being my paranoid self I thought for sure that it hadn't worked because it was such an ordeal just to do the procedure. We did some back-up baby-dancing just in case. And now the wait, but I think I've already convinced myself it hasn't happened. I don't want to say its negative thinking, I just don't feel it. Also, I'm taking progesterone suppositories this time and I'm not sure if its because of that ---but I'm major bloated 24-7. Its horrible. And I'm thinking, I'm going to be taking these for the next two weeks for what reason?? Oh well, I guess if I feel this way and this happens to be the time, I will be surprised, big time pleasantly surprised.