I found in my thirties I have been pretty much able to accept myself the way I am. Not so much longing to be perfect and beautiful like I did in my twenties. But the one thing that propels me into the stratosphere of self-loathing is my skin. I have battled with acne for twenty years now. And with all the thousands of dollars I have spent on skin care regimes and medications, the only thing that really helps is the birth control pill. I met my husband three years ago and of course I was on the pill and in a good skin phase of my life, for once. Of course I had scars but I had always had scars and have perfected my make-up application over twenty years. So, he basically got to know me with pretty clear skin.
Now that we have been TTC for a year and a half I have had to go off my beloved pill and the terror of horrible skin had returned. I mean I don't just get the occasional whitehead, but deep cystic acne stuff which is horrible and painful and can be seen from space on my pale white skin.
I know my husband will love me no matter what, but its hard to feel sexy or lovable like this. I would love to be the girl who can just go anywhere without make-up on but I just can't. So, my depression over not getting pregnant is compounded with how I feel about myself, which has also brought on my extra 10 pounds.
And this week, well I my as well just claim my crown as 'Miss Uuggglllyy Canada 2009'. My skin is a mess, I have a horrible cold, two cold sores on my lips, my roots are pretty much 50% grey and need to be redone and my period has arrived which makes me want to scream. I know my problems are minimal compared to most people in this world, but a blog rant is so helpful. I really don't want to be complaining to anyone in person because they always just try to make you look on the brighter side but today is my self-pitying blues day and if I could put it to some cool blues music I would.
It's been a long time! Part 2
7 years ago