Saturday, December 26, 2009

Holidays Better Than Expected

I actually had a pretty good Christmas Eve and Day. We went out to my sister n law's acreage on Thursday. They have an outdoor skating area and lots of property to wander about. My niece came with us and Chief did too. We left Ruby at my parents just because it was too cold for her to be wandering about. Chief had a great time just romping about in the snow, he loved it. We skated and took walks in the deep snow and played some board games inside. We then had a Greek Dinner, (we aren't Greek but my sister n law wanted to do something different). I actually had a good time and didn't think about my sadness too much. Thankfully, DH's cousin who recently got married (in September) didn't announce a pregnancy or anything, I was pretty afraid of that...thank you God.

Christmas Day was spent at my parents house, with less than the usual people there. My brother wasn't able to come home from his job, which happens alot (he works on off shore oil rigs). And my nephew went to Toronto to visit his mother. But having my other two little nieces around made the evening fun. My one niece is six and the other one is one years old. We opened gifts and played some games. There was some drama with all the doggies that were there, my Dad was all freaked that Chief was going to attack his dog and Chief is the biggest wimp ever. Then my sister n law brought over her dog (a min pin) who totally went after Chief and Chief was so scared. They eventually were OK with each other, but my Dad was in a pissy mood all night.

Its weird to say but I'm actually missing my trips to the fertility clinic. I guess its easier when I actually get to sit in the same room with people going through the same things as me. When I'm at home I just feel by myself in this crazy struggle. I really am thankful for all the supportive comments I've received from you wonderful ladies reading my blog. It really means alot to me to get your support and help me realize I'm not so alone. Please know that I appreciate all your comments and it definitely helps me try to look on the brighter side of things.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Alone & Confused

Didn't need to go for the beta test because AF came on Friday. I am feeling very alone, depressed and lost at the moment. I had major meltdowns on Friday and Saturday and of course had to do two major social functions. Friday was the party at my husband's friends house or as I like to call it "The Baby Parade", everybody in that group has kids and quite a few have brand new ones. My husband's best friend and fiancee have a newborn who has bad colic, so of course they have to complain about it. It is so infuriating for me because they don't realize how lucky they are. I guess none of The Fertiles will ever be able to relate to me and will always take their appreciation for their children for granted. I'm just feeling really alone and low right now, I don't know anyone personally going through this...its so isolating.

We won't be doing any treatments this month because the clinic is closed over the holidays. So, next month I guess we are planning on doing another round of IUI (which I'm starting to think is useless) and I just booked another follow-up appointment after that to discuss switching to IVF if it comes to that....but who are we kidding here I'm 38!

I know all this negativity really isn't good for my fertility, blah, blah, blah but I can't help it. I just have to wallow for awhile. My husband and I got in a tiff about going to that party, because I didn't want to and he said 'we can't stop living our life because of this'. I know he is right but I can't force myself to feel normal when I don't. I feel like a ticking time bomb of emotions just ready to blow!! I've never been a big Christmas person, but feeling even less in the spirit than usual. I hope for Christmas I can just start feeling like myself again, IF has really sucked out my will to have fun or feel good. As I wept into my DH's arms on Saturday, I said "I just don't know what to do anymore", and I really don't.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Trying Not To Think About It


Four days till I have to go do the beta test. I've been occupying myself over the past couple weeks with studying for exams and becoming a doggie foster parent. We welcomed Chief into our home on Friday, he is a sweet boy and watching him (like a hawk) so he doesn't try to pee in the house is keeping my mind pretty focused. Of course, I'm thinking about if I'm pregnant and the progesterone really helps my imagination go wild, because I've read most people don't get AF while on it. I believe I've been thinking about it probably 50% less than I was last month....I was looking at baby-name sites daily back then. I really don't know what to think, I've had a few weird days (5-7 days past IUI) where it felt really crampy but didn't want to read too much into that. Though my acupuncturist did and gave me one of those "this could be it" looks. One of the hardest parts of this whole process is watching everyone else get their hopes up to.

Well, going to go get the test done early Friday morning and hoping they will call me later that day. Because if its negative, I will be tying one on at the Christmas party we are having for DH's employees at our house on Saturday. Yes, I have to host a party the day after I may get a BFN! Sometimes my life is just a tragic comedy, a dramedy is what they call it I think.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Just Not Feeling It

Well, its beginning to look ALOT like Christmas around here. Big snowstorm is billowing down on us, as I write this. Hasn't stop snowing for hours. Weird to say it, but its finally nice that winter has arrived, doesn't feel like Christmas till it does. So, I'm feeling like its Christmas but not feeling like I'm pregnant. Had my IUI on Wednesday, and let me tell you that was 'no day at the spa'. First, the nurse who I warned I had a retroverted uterus tried to insert the catheter and failed (after inserting two different speculums ---ouch!!) Then, my RE who I hardly ever see when I go into the clinic decided to give it a go and while he tried to make the experience as comfortable as he could, it was painful. And I felt cramping and pain for the rest of the day.

So, of course being my paranoid self I thought for sure that it hadn't worked because it was such an ordeal just to do the procedure. We did some back-up baby-dancing just in case. And now the wait, but I think I've already convinced myself it hasn't happened. I don't want to say its negative thinking, I just don't feel it. Also, I'm taking progesterone suppositories this time and I'm not sure if its because of that ---but I'm major bloated 24-7. Its horrible. And I'm thinking, I'm going to be taking these for the next two weeks for what reason?? Oh well, I guess if I feel this way and this happens to be the time, I will be surprised, big time pleasantly surprised.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

And Now I'm TOO Reproductive

Well, either you have no eggers going or you have six. On Friday, my RE made it sound like I had a million eggs growing. Or as she liked to refer to them "the litter". Which I didn't appreciate too much, being compared to a dog that is. She was threatening to cancel my IUI altogether. Of course, I was panicked and did what I do when I'm panicked....research. I went online to research what happens when IUI's are cancelled. Well, most people on blogs seem to go ahead and have sex even though their doctors insist they don't. I was all prepared to be a rebel and go for it! I also read a few journal articles that said even with many follicles growing a woman over 35 has like a 1% chance of actually having a super-multiple pregnancy. OK, that was what I needed to have a fighting chance with my RE.

So, I prayed and hoped that only a few of my eggs would be front runners and would have grown that extra 2-3 mm bigger than the stragglers. This way I would only have three not six and my RE wouldn't have to worry. And boy did I pray, I'm usually more of a silent, inside my head pray-er but not this time. I raised my hands to the sky and was shouting my prayer to the heavens (hoping God would hear the louder me). Today, we went back for another U/S and thank goodness I only had three follicles that were really big. And I tried to convince the RE that at my accelerated age, multiples shouldn't be much of a worry. She somewhat agreed, cause I think last time I was there she must have just looked at me and not at my chart cause she said "You are so young, don't worry about a cancelled IUI". And I was like, young --- What??? I've been told I look younger than my age. Anyways, IUI is scheduled for Wednesday and I will be praying loud all week.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Pincushion Time Again

Off to races for IUI numero 2. I had an intern do my Baseline U/S this time. She is the same one who did my first IUI and had much trouble inserting the tube because of my tilted uterus. So, of course I was super worried she didn't actually get it in there. It was weird, I could feel when it wasn't going in because it would bunch up inside the canal there. Anyways, I raised my concern to her about my short cycle and how this luteal phase defect is weighing on my mind. At first, she didn't want to prescribe me the progesterone but I insisted and she spoke with my doctor and he said sure! So, yeah me for being my own advocate. Not sure if this is what I really need but they said there was no great harm in taking it, so why not? Also, started taking some Vitamin C, because I read that a study showed that helped women with LPD. So, that probably brings my supplement count to like 20, my daily pill box almost doesn't fit all the vitamins/supplements I'm taking.

My DH talked to his sister who went through the IUI process with each of her three kids. She told me a bit of her experiences but wasn't very forthcoming with information (or didn't feel comfortable talking to me about it), we don't quite connect. Anyways, she told DH that it took 4-5 IUI's to get each of her kids. So, that makes me wonder how many I should go through before heading to the IVF route, which I don't really want to do if necessary. I could probably take one more month of this but two or three more I don't know.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Not Quite

So, this IUI was a bust. Just got AF yesterday. Sadness of course, but also must look at this as a way these doctors can actually help me. Since induced ovulation was at CD14 and I got my period this time on CD25, which is the shortest cycle I've ever had in my life. But it shows what I suspected, that there is something wrong with my luteal phase. My regular cycles are usually 29-30 days but I would ovulate (according to OPK) late around CD17-20. I am going to ask RE about how my progesterone was this cycle and maybe get on some additional meds. This could have been my problem all along and thanks to this failed cycle maybe we are one step closer to solving it.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

38 and feelin' great, great, great

Happy Birthday to me
Trying to have a baby
My one birthday wish...
Bun in the oven already

Monday, November 9, 2009

38 Special


Significance of the number 38
  • Was especially prominent in Norse Mythology. The number was said to represent unnatural bravery, characteristic of the legendary heroes of Norse sagas.

  • The 38th parallel north is pre-Korean War boundary between North Korea and South Korea.

  • Significant in Egyptian mythology, as it was the characteristic number of Anubis, the jackal-headed god of death and mummification. Egyptian pharaohs were often buried with 38 statues of cat guardians, and their sarcophagi were adorned with 38 ankhs. (Which is cool because it reminds me of one of my favorite movies "The Mummy")

  • The number of slots on an American Roulette wheel

  • Name of the southern rock band 38 Special

BUT most importantly 38 is the number I will be turning this Saturday. I will be officially old! And I don't say this because in Wikipedia it refers to everyone over 38 as old. I say this because my RE told me if you are diagnosed with unexplained infertility before the age of 38, well its just unexplained...and they really can't tell you what is wrong. Though here's the kicker, when you turn the magic age of 38 they can just say age-related infertility. I wasn't feeling old until he told me that.

I am going to take the real significance of 38 which appears to be bravery, boundary-breaking, letting it ride, rockin it out and becoming a mummy (although a mommy would be my first preference) and shove this talk of old where it belongs. Hidden in the picture above.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

One IUI Down, Hopefully None To Go

I did it, its done. IUI numero uno was completed this morning. Was suppose to be done tomorrow but I was surging already so it was bumped up. Silly me, didn't leave my cell phone on yesterday (cause I just assumed the plan was the plan - I'm such a newbie) and almost missed the message I needed to take my shot asap and come in today. So, as I expected IUI was pretty low key. Although I have to do some bragging on behalf of my DH, 170 million count and
53% motility!!! Hope that makes some sort of difference. Way to go honey, you have a good factory down there.

Now the dreaded 2WW, what to do? what to do? Not obsess, right! Just keep on living and hope for the best I guess. We are already discussing 'baby names' though, just to keep us on the optimistic vibe. Anyone suggest some good sites for names? I know there are a million out there but if anyone has some favorites, please pass it on. Or any other suggestions would be helpful for surviving the 2WW.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Eyes Barely Open

Well, its the 10th day of injections with the good ole Gonal-F pen and I can barely keep my eyes open. That is my number one side effect - exhaustion. I'm a walking talking zombie. Can't even focus to write this post. Hopefully, will be the last U/S tomorrow then we can schedule the IUI. Have two very nice looking follicles growing, one on each side. Best damn follicles I've ever seen, but I guess I'm biased. Kinda wild to be seeing where your babies are coming from even before they are babies. Off to sleep for 10 hours hopefully.

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Saturday, October 31, 2009

Almost a Sieve

And so starts the poking and prodding. Is this what I've been waiting for? Yes, one big glorious Yes. Although, yesterday was a bit more pokey than I would have liked. How many needles can I have before I become a sieve? Blood taken, one H1N1 shot, one flu shot, multiple acupuncture needles and finally self-injection with Gonal-F pen. Yikes, I'm surprised I wasn't like a cartoon character, that drinks a glass of water and has all of it leak out my porous existence.

Feeling good though, no major reactions from the medications. I was super tired last week but I think that was a combination of studying for midterms and first week of injections. Yesterday's U/S showed one larger follicle in each ovary, I think he said the size is 13 (mm??) Have to look that up and see if I'm progressing well. Haven't felt this optimistic in a long time, just nice to put most of the responsibility for getting pregnant in someone else's hands. Less pressure on me, if that makes any sense.

Waiting for trick-or-treaters to come to our house for the first time. We didn't hand any candy out for the last two years because our area is still developing. There are more kids around now, so can't wait to see their scary little faces.

Oh, and Happy 50th Blogpost to me!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Roger, Roger We Have Lift Off

No cruising for me, I've started my first cycle of IUI!!! Yipee! My cyst got the eviction notice I sent and only left a shell of its annoying self for us to see on the ultrasound today. So, now I'm in the big time of all this IF business. Did the whole rig a mer roll - ultrasound, bloodwork, pharmacy visit where I dropped a cool 300 bones. So, cruise is definitely off considering the moola we are going to be spending this month. And I oh so cooly administered my first injection a couple of hours ago. Thank goodness its with the user-friendly Gonal pen. The videos that had me watch before hand got me scared thinking I had to do all the mixing and stuff. The pen is super easy and quick, although it looks/feels like you are not really injecting anything. Although time will tell with that, if I get any pesky side-effects. Better not get the diarrhea --I have midterms this week.

Trying like heck to study but so much going through my mind. Going to have to do a lot of meditating and yoga just to calm myself down. I went to a psychic last week, that I had to wait 5 months to get into see. I'm a believer in that kinda stuff. She saw spirits of people I knew who had passed on too... never experienced that before. Anyways, main numero uno important thing she told me was she sees 2 babies!! Whether or not, she can really see this...I don't know. But it gives me some positive reinforcement which is what I need right now. And she told me my Grandma was telling me to just be patient. OK, Granny I will be patient for you, and know you are helping me on this journey.

Friday, October 23, 2009

AWOL

I've been trying to focus on everything else but TTC. Its gone pretty well, I actually had a good month of just going to school, enjoying my life and all the wonderful things I have to be thankful for. On Sunday, I will be going back in to see if the cyst is still there.
Two scenarios:
1) Cyst gone - may be starting 1st IUI
2) Cyst there - DH and I have promised each other we will go on a last minute cruise

Kind of a win-win situation. Wish me luck, either I'll be cruising or stabbing myself in the butt every day.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Same Herbs, Different Day

Just going about my business these days post-cyst, trying to correct my spleen qi deficiency. That's right I said spleen qi deficiency. This came about from my reading of 'The Infertility Cure' see blog post. Of course, my acupuncturist who I had been seeing for food allergies beforehand totally agreed with my self-diagnosis (which I did from the book). I now gladly volunteer myself to be a pin cushion every two weeks and partake in my nightly consumption of Chinese herb tea -- which by the way tastes nothing like a Caramel Machiatto, dammit.

The wisdom of Traditional Chinese Medicine will hopefully put my whole reproductive system back on track and back in the game. Its all I really can do or focus on right now with my new 'cysta' in town. Funny how I didn't extend an invite to her, but yet she shows up anyway at the most inconvenient time, gee sounds like my real sister. Just like to suggest to you all that the book I mentioned is a good read and does give some light at the end of the IF tunnel. I can't say its techniques or suggestions have worked for me yet (towards my goal of being super reproductive), but I have been only doing the herbs and acupuncture for a month and a half. Most of the case studies in the book state three months puts your body back on track. All I can say is that at least using the TCM techniques are helping me achieve overall good health and well being, which is what I will need in case all this IF wins out in the end. Oh, yeah and sanity would be nice too.

FYI - Dietary restrictions on the TCM treatment include no sugar, no coffee, no alcohol, no 'wet/damp' foods like tomatoes, cucumbers, melons, soy milk, yogurt, dairy. God help me!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Universe is Funny Sometimes

I guess we just have to find the humor in all our situations. Today in one of my classes (I'm a library technician student) we had to look up facts/questions in different almanacs, encyclopedias etc. One of the questions was:
'What was the largest tumor anyone ever had?'
To my shock, dismay, then the profuse shaking of my head the answer I found in the Guinness Book of World Records was:
a 328 pound----------------wait for it---------------------ovarian cyst!!!!!

I thought to myself at least I don't have that one : )

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Looking Inward

Trying to have a better outlook today, and just be thankful for the things in my life (which are many). I know this is not the end of the road for me with fertility treatments....but just having a day like that made me really tired of living my life month-to-month. I will continue on with treatments but I'm really going to start adjusting to the mindset that children might not be in the cards and I want to be OK with that, and not be devastatingly sad every month....its so draining.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Disaster

Not how I thought this morning would go. Devastation. Cyst on my ovary. IUI cancelled. Have
to come back next month to see what's happened to the cyst. Disappointment beyond belief, no words here that aren't stained with tears.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Its a New Day

CD1 is here. Here we go. Left a message for the clinic to do baseline ultrasound. To have my 'date' with the wand in the next day or so. Its almost surreal that it is finally here. Anticipation and worry is high...treading into the unknown of the treatment. Please God let this work.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Just Wanted to Stay Home

So, my husband springs it on me that we were invited to a firepit tonight. It's usually always last minute when it comes to his group of friends, while mine are more on the planning side. So, these same day invites are not really news to me. But, guess what? I did not feel like socializing tonight. We were suppose to go for dinner too, but I suggested we just eat at home cause we needed to use up the food in our fridge. Then after dinner of course I felt guilty cause I think DH wanted to go (and yes I was stalling on an answer as to if I would go or not). Or more to the fact, he probably already told them we were coming, cause he can never say no. Although he always claims he never has a problem saying no to his friends (which is a bunch of BS, by the way).

I gave in, cause I don't like him to feel sad and cause we can usually bring Ruby to these people's house because they have a dog too. So, we go and the whole time I'm so thinking I'd rather be in bed reading the new book I just got from the library. The couple's house we went to, they are recently grandparents. Their daugther is only 21 and recently married but just had a baby a couple months ago. So, it is a little painful to go there because the 'baby talk' is non-stop. And of course someone else always has to bring up the fact that DH and I don't have kids...and what are we doing now (in regards to treatment). So, tonight one of my DH's friends blurts out in front of a small group that I shouldn't worry about anything because his sister n law had to try for a baby for 10 years and finally had her kids in her 40's and they are little monsters. Then he goes on to say I should just take the little infant that's there cause she is the right color (see my husband is East Indian and I'm white), which is what the other couple is too.

Now, I know this guy did not mean any harm and is usually quite a nice fellow but this was not the day I wanted to hear this. I didn't want to be there anyways and I have to hear this shit. Really, c'mon. My DH's friends can be too much to take sometimes. I got together with one of my best friends this week and we had the loveliest time singing karoake all night at her house. If my DH's friends don't start having some game nights or go out to do something different I think I'll be at home reading quite a bit and my DH will be going solo.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Getting Ready for All The Little Pricks

Ha Ha! That was definitely not a derogatory jab at my DH, I'm talking about injections here people. I finally sat down or more accurately lied down on my bed with laptop at hand and watched the injection videos the nurse told me to (before IUI gets underway). I thought there would be just one but there were many because they had them categorized per manufacteurer not medication type.

It was a bit of information overload considering I don't know exactly which medication I will be taking and if I will be doing it with the old fashioned syringes or the new pen injectors. Didn't realize I will possibly have to mix up the powder (medication) with some solution before injecting. The needle part of it doesn't freak me out too much, never had a problem with needles. But then again I've never given one to myself and I'm kinda squeamish when it comes to watching other people get theirs. And injecting in the abdomen seems so odd, but hopefully my belly fat will take the brunt of it and I will feel no pain (ya right), thank you cookies.

So, countdown to AF and the start of all this craziness is approximately 7 days. Can't believe I'm actually counting down to (anticipating) AF...weird.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Pick-Up Lines Aside, I Love My RE

So, the fates worked in my favor for once and I got my follow-up appointment bumped up to last Friday. Basically, my RE went over all our test results and we are as suspected "Unexplained". Though my RE was so nice to add that in three months when I turn 38, he gets to add on "Age-Related" and I told him 'Thanks alot buddy'.

After discussing what my ultrasound concluded, I reminded him he had told me I had the ovaries of a teenager. His response was, that he tells that to all the ladies when they show up without their husbands. We all had a good laugh at that one (me, DH, RE and the intern), in fact I don't remember ever laughing that hard at any doctor's appt I have ever had. I really like my RE, he is a straight shooter but has a great sense of humor.

We are set to go forward with my first IUI at the end of this month. I need to watch a bunch of online videos to get the scoop on what to expect. I've read up on it and I pretty much understand the procedure, but I guess I won't know what to expect until we actually go through it --since everyone reacts differently to medication etc. I'm also trying to follow some of the suggestions from the book, The Infertility Cure. These are dietary, supplements and acupuncture as prescribed through Traditional Chinese Medicine. I've also consulted with my acupunturist on these suggestions --- and she wants me to be on a number of different supplements. So, trying to be 'healthy' on all levels before this IUI may be a little overwhelming.

But its finally happening, I'm in the loop (so to speak).

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Been Doing Some Reading

Last year when we entered the Full House Lottery we won a gift certificate to Chapters (which is a national bookstore here in Canada). While we didn't win our dream home we were happy to get something. Of course, I used up the $125 of that gc pretty quick. So, this year we were hoping for....well the dream house, or even the porsche for my husband (his dream car). And what did we get --- bubcus! But, there is always a silver lining or so I try to convince myself. My Dad had also bought some tickets this year, and what did he end up winning..... Chapters Gift Certificate. And he gave it to me. See my Dad is not much of a reader, neither is my Mom (except the newspaper) which is kinda sad but in this case beneficial to me.

A couple of my book purchases have included these two infertility gems:

Infertility Survival Handbook by Elizabeth Falker
I highly recommend this book. Its goes in depthly through all the treatments of IVF and IUI but explains it to you as a friend would, not a doctor. Its a great book from someone who has been there and done that (ten fold)! If you have no one you can talk to about your IF this a great book to feel connected to someone who has gone through it. Also gives you suggestions how to deal with emotions, costs and physical demands of IF.

The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies by Randine Lewis

I haven't totally finished reading this one yet, so this is a premature review. Its about how chinese medicine can enhance your fertility when modern medicine may have failed you. I like most of the suggestions so far - eating well, yoga, vitamin supplements, stress management and acupuncture but have yet to delve into the herbal chinese medicine part. Will keep you posted in what I think and if I incorporate some of these suggestions.

So, some late summer reading for any of you still on road to fertility land.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Old Mom Worries

I am getting closer and closer to my goal of getting some assistance in this whole gettin' pregnant thing. It's amazing how as soon as one of your worries is taken care of, a million other ones pop into your head. One is the fact that I will be 38 soon, when hopefully I DO get pregnant. I worry will I still have the energy to chase after this little one? I know Moms just find the energy but it worries me a little. DH and I have both been feeling the aches and pains of getting older - the creeky knees and not so strong backs. We are overall very healthy individuals, who have been blessed with no chronic conditions thank goodness. But is it fair to have a kid so late, to the child I mean? Any child who is raised in a loving home, would probably not care how old/young their parents are. Maybe kids who come after a bought of infertility problems our the luckiest kids on earth, what children are wanted more? Well, I read this article online today about how you can live to be 100, and one of the reasons was 'having a child later in life'. That definitely brightened my day, that having the child later in life keeps you young and promotes your longevity... you want to be around to see the grandchildren, right? So here's to the older moms out there, may our decisions to have our kids late in life be the reason we can make it to be centenarians.

12 Surprising Signs You'll Live to 100

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Ovaries of a Teenager, Patience of a Toddler

TGIF, Thank God I'm Fertile. Oh right I'm not! But what a better way to spend my Friday morning but to get a vaginal ultrasound. During this ultrasound my RE declared that I have 'The Ovaries of a Teenager', although he laughed and said he never does ultrasounds on teenagers. Though if he did, he said mine would be right in there with those teens. Well what do you know? something about me is young. My hair is 50% grey, the wrinkles are a-coming and I don't feel comfortable going to nightclubs anymore but my internal organs are ready for the prom, go figure.

While I was enlightened by this news, I was just as quickly given a blow to my confidence when I went to make a follow-up appointment. Which turns out to be in mid-September. This is ridiculous....I am 4 months away from turning 38! Every bloody moment is precious to me and they are making me wait this long to talk about the next step. This sucks, I'm so mad. I thought for sure we would be doing my first IUI in August and now we have to wait until September just to assess, I don't even know if I get to do my IUI in September either. I keep calculating in my head now old I'll be when my kid is 20, if I'm not pregnant until next year....58 (that's like retirement years). Makes me question if I am too old to even consider this. I know for damn sure I want a baby, but is it fair to let this child have older parents (by choice).

I've been really emotional about this today. I don't know how much more of this waiting I can take, without just giving in the towel. I really want the next six weeks just to fly by...guess I will be making a lot of patio margaritas this summer.

Monday, July 13, 2009

9 Month Wait - How Ironic

So, the day finally came, we had our first appointment at the Fertility Clinic after the 9 month wait. It was a relief but also felt so anti-climatic after such a long wait. I like my new doctor he is funny, nice and straight to the point. He also looks alot like the Chekov character from the original Star Trek series. Everyone at the clinic was super, I mean super nice. Wonder if that is par for the course since it is a pay for service rather than regular health care. Upon reviewing our files from the previous testing we had done he basically summed up our difficulties as 'Unexplained Infertility', but basically he said it was age-related. Sure throw that in my face, like I don't hate my wrinkles and creaking knees enough.

Suggested course of action was IUI with injectable drugs. I was super gung ho to start with IVF, but my sister n law who did IUI three times for her kids suggested I go for it first. Just to take it easy on my body to start out with and also save some big money. I think my first cycle of trying will be next month because the clinic is closed the first two weeks of August, which the doctor was none too happy about. I told him I wanted to get the show on the road (his expression actually) ASAP. So, next month will be it, putting it all on the line. Why am I more nervous now?

I was definitely relieved to have the appointment and get things going, but I guess some part of me knows if this doesn't work nothing will....and then what? Well, I am just going to enjoy the rest of my summer as my cycle to start wouldn't be until the end of August. I always love the fall too, and hopefully an autumn conception is in my future.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Where's My Bumper Sticker?

As I was driving behind a huge truck today, I noticed a bumper sticker on the back. I assume the driver was poking fun at himself because the sticker read,

NICE TRUCK
Sorry about the size of your penis

It got me wondering if I would like to poke fun at myself with the situation I'm in? Not the owner of a large vehicle, but owner of a vacant uterus. Arriving home I quickly googled to see if 'Infertility Paraphernalia' actually exists. Lo and behold, you can get an assortment of t-shirts, not so much bumper stickers displaying your infertility woes. Some of my favorites were the following:

Thinking positive (with picture of a HPT)

Not Pregnant
(but I'll keep you posted)

Infertility Sucks

I'm not as old as my eggs want you to believe


Now would I actually go out and proudly wear these cleverly devised statements on my chest...definitely not. As most of us suffering with IF issues, I prefer to suffer in silence. We want to jump out the window if someone even brings up the issue of if we are pregnant, what's the status, etc. etc. Advertising the fact of my suffering is just not something I could bear. Although, I would like to have more gumption and tackle this with humor (as I do most things in life), its just so difficult. And really, would most people get the joke anyway? You'd want them to laugh but you'd probably end up getting the dreaded pity-face instead. So, would I like to confront my issues on IF with more humor? Absolutely. Am I going to advertise this on my car bumper or chest? Not quite yet. Bumper stickers are hard to get off your bumper, and I hope my situation is not as permanent as the adhesive on the back of that sticker.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Summertime with Ruby

Just wanted to update on my furry child. Ruby is doing well, she got fixed a couple weeks ago but recovered quickly. She is very happy we finally finished our backyard...and so are we. She is already trained to got to "her spot" in the yard to do her business. She is such a delight in my life, my cuddly little girl. She still needs work on her walking though, I've been to puppy classes for three sessions and she still pulls like crazy on the leash. I'm kinda at my wit's end with that. It annoys me big time, so I find it much easier to just take her to the off leash parks cause she does fine there (follows me and gets along really good with all the dogs). This morning we had a funny event, as I was calling out to Ruby to get out of my new flower beds I noticed she was jumping around one of my new shrubs. When I went to check what she was up to I saw the tiniest little bunny. Ruby was either trying to play with her or catch & eat her....hoping it was the first one. We let Ruby jump around her for a bit and filmed the video, but don't worry we took Ruby away and captured the bunny without any harm done to the little bunny. I carried her to the field by our house and set her free. I hope she survives she was the tiniest little jack rabbit I've ever seen. Who knows maybe she will be back, we have quite a buffet in our yard with all the new perennials I've planted.


video

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Feeling Like Bella?


So, I'm totally engrossed with reading the Twilight Book series. I am on the last book now. Yes, the demographic for these books is teen girls, but believe me us 30+ gals are totally getting into this. My one friend loves these books due to the description of new love, the passion of being in love for the first time. Married for almost 10 years I guess she misses that alot. I'm into it, just because this is my genre of books/movies/TV that I love, I guess they call it 'Urban Fantasy/Romance'.
I am currently reading the last book now, Breaking Dawn. Not that I want to ruin the outcome for anyone, so I will say spoiler alert now and don't read on if you don't want to know how it goes. Bella, the main character has married her true love Edward, who is a vampire. She wants to become a vampire too so she can live with him forever. She is scared about going through this transformation but also knows this is what she wants to make her life complete. I guess I'm relating to her right now with my predicament. Now that I have an appointment that was much wanted and much stressed about (my 1st appointment with the RE, in hopes to start the IVF process), I also have that lagging feeling of anticipation and fear. I have to admit I have always been scared to be a mother. I realize the importance of this task and have always thought I wouldn't be up to snuff. Goodness knows there are so many people out there who become parents who clearly shouldn't be, and I never wanted to be in that category.
I know deep down I will make an awesome Mom, but just the whole responsibility of it freaks me out. I'm sure everyone goes through this. I know that you can only do the best you know how and that its an experience where you have to let the kids be themselves and just be their guiding force. Its weird when you going to request to have someone 'make' you a parent. That you release yourself and your intentions to someone else. Its not just you and your partner's private decision anymore. It's pretty much out of your control, in every way possible.
You can lead yourself to water, but you can't make the embryo drink. I haven't gotten to the part where Bella becomes a vampire (I had to go online to find out some of the ending -- yes I know I'm bad) but I'm sure I'll be able to relate to her once I start all the IVF craziness, hormone drugs and all -- the thirst, the longing, the out of control feelings. Me for becoming pregnant, her for blood. Morbid I know, but if you read Twilight you'll know what I mean.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

It All Came Together Anyway

So, there I was freaking out in February because its been 16 months of 'trying' and nothing. I'm 37 and I don't want to wait anymore. I wanted to speed things up so bad and just get this assisted pregnancy stuff happening if I needed to. I got the referral to the clinic in Calgary (in February) and they called me a couple weeks ago to make my first appointment in July, I thought now I'm cooking. But also with actually moving on with my life I am going back to school in the fall (this will be my third go) -- going into a totally different career again.

I think my family/friends get whiplash every 5-7 years when I tell them I'm trying on a new career, but more on that later. So, I get the appointment and am thrilled, get the information package and am more thrilled. I read the timeline of what is involved in IVF then I get a bit nervous. Not just for the outcome of the IVF but for the juggling of doing the IVF, doing school and commuting back and forth from Edmonton to Calgary (3 hour drive each way). As much as getting pregnant is my #1 priority, of course I start getting overwhelmed just thinking about juggling all these things. I don't like getting overwhelmed. Then, what happens ??? the next day I get a phone call from the Fertility Clinic in Edmonton (after being on the waitlist for 9 months). They have an appointment for me in July and I'm just about to turn in down because I know they don't do IVF. Then the receptionist informs me they have started doing IVF in September!!! Which really I think they should have plastered this information all over City Hall, Bus Stops and Street Signs, so people like me would know what the heck is going on!!! So, I basically put myself through the stress of the Calgary referral process for nothing. I can do the IVF at home, and not have to travel.

I cannot believe my luck. I hope this works out OK, because having this process done at home is of course ideal, considering if by time I start this its coming on fall/winter. So, just goes to show as much stress we put on ourselves for no good reason, it all comes together nicely in the end. Now, I hope I will be saying this in a few short months after the IVF.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Off the Waitlist


I am officially off the wait list as of one hour ago. I finally made an appointment at the Fertility Clinic. I am so happy. Everything to do with IF is so about waiting, its so hard to live 'in the moment' when you go through this process. But I can be happy today in this moment knowing I have an appointment on July 16th. Yes, that is 6 weeks away which may seem like an eternity for some but for me that's nothing. I can actually now plan my summer and live my life not being in limbo of the dreaded wait list. I guess for those of you not from Canada and going through IVF you may not know the torture that is the wait list. In Canada, even though everyone here is covered for health care (though IVF is not covered but significantly cheaper) you have to wait, and wait and wait for any referral to any kind of specialist including the RE.

I am lucky as I did speed things up by going to California to see an RE, who then referred me to the clinic here. But otherwise I would still be waiting to see the RE in Edmonton (I was referred Sept 08 and haven't got a call yet), who would then refer me to the RE in Calgary (where they perform the IVF). So I am at least 6+ months ahead of the game. So I consider myself very, very blessed.

Now, we have two months of 'trying' for the bargain price of $0 before we have to lay down our $6,000+ for IVF. But I know I'm just in waiting for more waiting:

1) Waiting to start IVF

2) Waiting to see if I produce some good eggs

3) Waiting to see if we produce some good embryos

4) Waiting for transfer

5) Waiting for positive HPT or Beta


I AM happy today, the rest can wait.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Phone Tag and Pinchy Uterus

So, finally finally finally the Fertility Clinic called and left a message for me. I'm so special. I was expecting this call three months from now, so to say this is a pleasant surprise is an outrageous understatement. Now, if I could only get a hold of this lady to confirm my first appointment. Is the appointment going to be in one short month from now or three months down the line? Well, I could find this out, if only we weren't playing agonizing phone tag. I call and leave my cell number she calls my house number, I call back and leave my house number she calls my cell. Needless to say I'm never around the phone she calls. But at least, she knows I want the appointment and we will be getting around to making it soon.

Interestingly enough I am 5DPO and feeling some slight cramping and pinchyness in my left lower abdomen. Who knows, I'm just saying its a little weird. But I've had these kind of pangs before usually 10DPO which is always accompanied the next day by AF. Not sure what to think of it. This is the 20th cycle of trying, wouldn't it be great? Can't ever let the hope die, but I am not holding my breath. I will be happiest when I actually get through to that lady at the Fertility Clinic, that will be the highlight of this week. And we will see if something interesting happens /or doesn't happen next week.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Waiting For Backyard Oasis

So, we moved into our house in July 07. It was a brand new house in a new development, so given we didn't have a backyard that year. The next year, our builder said they would do the rough grade on our yard in May, it didn't get finished until September. Partly Builder's fault, partly Mother Nature as it rained all bloody summer last year. So, that summer just was torture without a yard.

Now this year we are really trying to be on the ball and get our yard done pronto. Now that we have the puppy, we are just dying for this yard. We thought she was thoroughly house trained but lately now that she is 6 months old she is having accidents on the carpet. We have had her checked out by the vet and she may have some sort of bladder inflammation/crystal forming condition. I think that if we get the yard done, she will be better because when I take her for walks or to the dog park all she wants to do is pee and pee and pee. I think she has figured out that peeing outside is natural for dogs and that's what she wants to do.

Tomorrow we are probably going to go pick up some patio furniture because we just can't wait.
Would love to get one of those patio fire pits too. And I'm going to go crazy planting things in the backyard, flowers, vegetables, bushes, trees the whole shebang. I didn't realize when you move to a new development how deprived you feel of nature. There's nothing surrounding us but dirt and dust and more dirt, I long for anything green. So, by June I should have my backyard oasis, then me and Ruby will just be lounging babes.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Facebook Drama

So, Aunt Flo strikes again. And I don't just mean my monthly tampon demon, I'm speaking of my actual Aunt whose name is Florence. I blogged about her before http://soul-in-progress.blogspot.com/2008/12/af-af-af-how-i-hate-thee.html. I'm kinda into posting links that I like on Facebook these days, so I decided to post the link for Exhale magazine. I was just thinking it may help some people who are my 'friends' on Facebook, who I don't know super well because they are friends of friends or my husband's friends wives. Since the magazine deals with issues from IF to miscarriage to stillborn. So, I put the link up there and then I get this response from her (Aunt Flo):

"I'm so hurt you have to go through this. All I can say is from when I was trying to get pregnant, the best thing you can do to get pregnant is not thinking about it and not wanting it so bad. And also, Vitamin C is the key to getting pregnant".

This is the abbreviated version, but you get the drift. I thought well I just invited that in, didn't I. I thought about it for a day after I read it, then in the middle of painting one of the bedrooms in our house I just had to drop everything and write her a response.
I was so mad, so I wrote:

"This is the journey I am on and I am dealing the best I can. What I don't need is flippant advice about Vitamin C and that not wanting something will make it happen. If you read the magazine I've linked maybe you could get a better perspective on what people with infertility go through and you could show some more sensitivity".

I am not one to usually fly off the handle like this but I don't like this Aunt anyways, so I thought it was the perfect outlet for my hostility. I don't like being a friend with her on Facebook anyways and this gave me a perfect opportunity to block her, which I did. I don't want her commenting on my life no more. So, she did write me a response which was like a novel in length, all about how she says she tried for her kids for 6 years which I think is a bunch of bull since you don't go from being IF for 6 years to having 3 kids in less than 4 years (which she did).
She was probably ignorant to when she actually ovulated (being the late 70's and all). Then she continued to write about good ole Vitamin C and then went on to name countless people she knew who have had miscarriages. Just because she knows people who have gone through this, she obviously doesn't know the appropriate thing to say to people. Oh well, good riddance.

Footnote: A little gossip and back story here. This is one of my Mom's 5 sisters who is just a nutcase and has borrowed countless sums of money from the extended family and never paid it back. She owes one of my Aunt's $60,000, and this Aunt she owes is single and now of pension age and barely scraping by. So, Aunt Flo is just one of those relative you just don't want to be related to.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Extreme Ruby Makeover




Uh oh, I turned my puppy into a poodle. Not so much off the top next time.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Spring Makeover

I can't say I was really inspired by the weather outside, because here in Edmonton its friggin cold. But I decided to give my blog a spring makeover. Formally 'The Path of Promise', I now want to look at my situation with a little more humor and acceptance, hence 'The Road Less Fertilized'. That's not to say I won't have anymore 'poor me' posts cause everyone has those days and a blog really helps to get out those emotions. But I have been much inspired by all the ladies struggling with IF and their blogs and I hope to see things with a full range of emotions. So, spring has sprung and a new phase begun.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Ruby headed for some big changes next week






Here's Ruby at almost 6 months old. She's looking like a shaggy dog and not a puppy anymore. Next week she will be going for her first big haircut and also she'll be gettin rid of her lady parts. I don't think I could survive a week like that but my little girl is a trooper. She has been such a comfort to me during this tough time and I am so thankful we got her. She's a sweet dog who just needs to learn a few more things but overall I can't complain. We started our 2nd session of puppy classes yesterday and she just loved the puppy socialization part (puppy playtime). She was racing around like a little greyhound while this big black dog tried to catch up with her but couldn't. Her little running displays lately makes me think we should try to learn Agility. She learns pretty fast and it would be cool to compete. But let's just see how she does in puppy class. There were some puppies in puppy class who were so shy, timid and not liking the other ones. It made me feel good that I took the effort with Ruby when she was smaller to socialize her the best I could and it has paid off.

I will update post haircut next week (which will probably be a total shave because her hair all over the place in driving us nuts), non-shedding breed my butt. The best thing about dogs is that they live in the moment, so when she wants to play fetch over and over again I just let my thoughts melt away and throw.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Saying Goodbye to Sadness and Hello to Hope

Yesterday I took Ruby for a walk around this huge (man made) lake, its about a five minute drive from our house. As I was getting out of the car with Ruby, I heard a distinct sobbing noise. I looked around to see if someone was in trouble. At first, I couldn't tell who it was then I saw her. She was probably in her fifties, she had brassy, short red hair and her face was as red as her hair. I looked intensely at her to figure out why she was in such distress. She was walking to her car alone. Then I noticed she was carrying a small pet kennel, it was empty. In the parking lot, there is a mini mall which has a veterinary office. It finally clicked in my head, that this woman had just put her pet down. And here I was just getting out of my car with my 5 month old puppy.

I wish I could say I was brave enough to run up to that lady and give her some sort of comfort, but I wasn't. Just thinking about the day when I will have to take my Ruby to the Vet for the goodbye trip, was even too much to bare. I saw the women look at me through her car window, and I prayed for her to have comfort and be strong. All of us pet lovers think of our pets as our children - our little kids who always need us even till the end. I hope the red haired lady will be OK, I'm sure her pet was special to her and I know how rough this time can be having to had four dogs put down in my life. Its amazing how much sadness we have in this world, I feel sadness everyday waiting on the opportunity to be pregnant and not having it come to fruition.
I also feel hope, and I hope one day soon the red haired lady and I will both be graced with new children in our lives.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Self-Pitying Blues

I found in my thirties I have been pretty much able to accept myself the way I am. Not so much longing to be perfect and beautiful like I did in my twenties. But the one thing that propels me into the stratosphere of self-loathing is my skin. I have battled with acne for twenty years now. And with all the thousands of dollars I have spent on skin care regimes and medications, the only thing that really helps is the birth control pill. I met my husband three years ago and of course I was on the pill and in a good skin phase of my life, for once. Of course I had scars but I had always had scars and have perfected my make-up application over twenty years. So, he basically got to know me with pretty clear skin.

Now that we have been TTC for a year and a half I have had to go off my beloved pill and the terror of horrible skin had returned. I mean I don't just get the occasional whitehead, but deep cystic acne stuff which is horrible and painful and can be seen from space on my pale white skin.
I know my husband will love me no matter what, but its hard to feel sexy or lovable like this. I would love to be the girl who can just go anywhere without make-up on but I just can't. So, my depression over not getting pregnant is compounded with how I feel about myself, which has also brought on my extra 10 pounds.

And this week, well I my as well just claim my crown as 'Miss Uuggglllyy Canada 2009'. My skin is a mess, I have a horrible cold, two cold sores on my lips, my roots are pretty much 50% grey and need to be redone and my period has arrived which makes me want to scream. I know my problems are minimal compared to most people in this world, but a blog rant is so helpful. I really don't want to be complaining to anyone in person because they always just try to make you look on the brighter side but today is my self-pitying blues day and if I could put it to some cool blues music I would.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Best place to go if you are babyless -- Vegas





Took a girls trip to Vegas last week with my best friend. We had a great time and didn't hardly gamble and what I mean is she gambled $15 and I gambled $40. What kind of experience you have in Las Vegas is all in the company you keep. If you are busy doing stuff like sight-seeing, shopping, spa, day-hiking, people-watching, fine-dining, pool time, Wayne Brady show, lion watching at MGM and just relaxing -- you don't even think about gambling. And it does always surprise me when I go to Las Vegas that families go there. But I can see it now that if you partake in all the other attractions offered you wouldn't feel the need to gamble even if you have your kids with you. Although it is still a strange sight watching a women trying to maneuver a double stroller through a casino. Last time I went to Las Vegas (in November) with my husband and two other couples we did alot of the same stuff but definitely more gambling. Of course, I love going with my hubby but with a 'girls trip' you definitely get to do more of the things you want to do.

The first time I went to Las Vegas I was with my family, but I thought my parents were just weird for taking us. We got to go to Disneyland on the same trip. I was 14, so I basically got to babysit my sister and brother in the Circus Circus arcade/amusement centre. These were the days when the casinos parts were blocked by velvet ropes and you couldn't walk through unless you were 21. So, my Mom & Dad would bid us farewell and walk into the forbidden zone. Now in Vegas everybody can walk everywhere pretty much.

When I end up with my little family, will I go to Las Vegas with them? I think my answer is no. I think Las Vegas should be a parents Disneyland. Leave the kids at home and have a blast.

Pictures shown - 1) Entrance to TAO restaurant at the Venetian 2) Strking a pose outside New York New York 3) Incredible 'King of the Jungle' at MGM 4) Entrance to Bathouse Spa at Mandalay Bay 5) Hiking at Red Rock Conservation Park

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Waiting Game

So, I am now officially referred to the Calgary Fertility Clinic. The wait is 6 months to get in....OMG I'm going to be 42 before I have a kid. I have to be positive though, if I had waited just to get into Edmonton then be referred to Calgary I'd be looking at a year from now. So, I have to give myself credit for taking initiative to see the RE in California, which has definitely sped up this process. I am going to look at these next 6 months as 'Bargain Price Baby', if I do get pregnant we just saved ourselves thousands of dollars, if not then IVF is just around the corner.

I just finished watching the Michael Moore movie 'Sicko'. He painted a picture of the Canadian Universal Health Program as being the epitome of health management. While I do appreciate our system alot, and would not want to have the HMO's like in the United States --- the waitlist thing is just torture. I guess both systems have their merit, but the U.S. system only benefits those with money. I mean luckily I had the means to pay for the tests I needed in California, otherwise I would be waiting, and waiting some more to get these tests done in Canada but they wouldn't cost me anything. So, what's more valuable time or money??? When it comes to that feeling and longing in your heart to finally have your child growing inside, time is definitely worth all the money in the world.

So, as I am dying for this winter to be over for many reasons, I will be patient and hopeful. Everything is going to happen or not happen when it needs to.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Ruby's Growing Up and I'm Closer to IVF






So, my little pups is just a growing and growing. And she's thankfully growing out of some of her bad puppy habits like biting everything. She gets to go to Doggie Daycare for the first time next week and I'm sure she will have a good time. Can't be super fun sitting with me at home all day.
I will be doing this 2 day temp job, so Miss Ruby gets to go mingle. We have a pen for her at home, but I just can't stand to leave her in it for a whole day. Plus, the times we have left her in there she totally shreds the puppy pad (where she is suppose to pee) to bits -- pretty much telling us 'I hate this pen!'

Today, I will be attempting to put together an IKEA book shelf, that has a desk that attaches. So, Miss Ruby will probably have to sit in her pen to watch me do this because I know all my little nuts and bolts will slowly disappear if I let her around the 1,298 pieces of IKEA stuff I'll be dealing with. So, great news is that my California doctor is definitely referring me to the IVF clinic I need to go to. But I still don't know for sure how long the wait time is. Hopefully, not more than a couple of months. Of course, still praying this month is going to be it --- but I know that would be an act of divine intervention, but you never know.

So, here are some updated pictures of my Ruby. She's turning into quite a protector of the house, her bark is way low and doesn't suite her cute little self, but if it scares the bad guys away that's all that matters.

Friday, February 6, 2009

One Step Closer

I just found out today that I can be referred to the IVF Clinic --- well the one that is closest to me anyways (3 hours away). And that the doctor I saw in California is allowed to do this for me. He's out of the office until February 13th, so this will be a long week for me waiting for his response. But just knowing that I'm one step closer, has made me very happy. I feel like I'm in such limbo right now. I just want to try something to get me closer to being a mother. Just found out two more people I know are pregnant, one who is a close friend and one just from seeing it on facebook. Oh, facebook the good, the bad and the endless displays of baby pictures. Really rather torturous for me, but I still go on there everyday.

So, although I haven't been per say religious or spiritual lately I have decided to use the power of prayer this month. I am praying everyday to get pregnant (this month), so I won't have to go through the IVF stuff, but I am wiling to accept what will have to be done, no matter what will be.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Going to Make It Happen

Haven't posted for awhile because I was trying to keep my mind off things. I had a meltdown on Sunday, when I got my period. I was expecting it really, but sometimes these things just hit you off guard when you are so hoping for it not to come. And my DH, had gone to watch the Superbowl with his buddy. They wanted me to come out but I didn't feel like it, so I just picked him up later. I was upset, and when my husband is on the drunk side he is actually super consoling, which I liked. He said 'Let's make this happen, whatever we need to do let's do it!'

This is my husband's usual attitude about life, but a bit amplified with a few beers. I took this new mantra and am running with it. I will be 38 in November, and I want to be pregnant this year! I've been waiting around for things to happen, doing the Clomid, waiting for the ridiculously long wait list at our fertility clinic (in our city in Canada) and I just can't wait anymore. So, I'm going back to my GP and insisting on a referral to the clinic in Calgary which is three hours away but is the closest one that does IVF. IVF is a big commitment of time and money but I am just going to jump in feet first and make this happen. I know this is not full proof but if I do the next 'step', then that would be Clomid with IUI, which I read has a 5-10% increase in my chances....no way that is not acceptable. I need to go for the 50% increase in my chances, and since we basically just paid $4000 for a super couch for our basement, we can spend the $10,000 for our family to get started here.

I need to be positive, I need to be proactive, and no more moping and hoping.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dodged Baby Shower for Puppy Class

Last weekend my sister n law was thrown a baby shower for her second child, Harley. It was thrown by some of her friends, but my Mom did most of the cooking. Its not that I didn't want to go, but I had already given my sister n law my present for Harley a few weeks ago because I didn't think there was going to be a shower. So, I get called a week before the shower to be invited by one of her friends. It was the same day as my first puppy class with Ruby.

I definitely love my sister n law and my newest niece but a baby shower is the last thing I want to go to right now. So, I told them I would come later after my class. My mom wasn't very happy with me. Ruby did pretty good at class, she is the youngest and smallest pup there. She is afraid of the other pups, I hope that will change over the next 7 classes. Ruby and I came to the shower at the end, but it really wasn't much of a shower it was more of a open house. There was just eating and opening presents, no games or anything. I guess because all my sister n law's friends now have kids of their own and don't have time to plan elaborate things like everyone usually does with the first baby. Her one friend who planned the shower has three little girls, all less than 3 years old. Isn't that crazy?? Like I need to be around that kind of unabated ramped fertility. I've figured out by now, all old wives tales are crap, being around fertile women does not make you fertile...or I'd be having sextuplets with the amount of pregnancy surrounding me right now.

And there's was no way I wanted to sit around for four hours talking about kids. And having to respond to the usual annoying questions that usually come my way. I guess I am asserting myself in a somewhat passive way (totally my style), but I don't think you should have to subject yourself to these kind of things when you are totally sensitive about anything baby.
I mean its not polite to ask recovering alcoholics to the open bar, now is it. My fur baby Ruby is totally helping keep my mind off the whole baby thing. I'm too preoccupied on if she's peeing in the house to even count down the days till ovulation. Thank you Ruby and your small bladder.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Shut In

So, I've been pretty much of a shut in for the past couple weeks. Its so damn cold here, and Ruby and I are just into our daily routine. Unfortunately, this routine cannot include a couple walks a day because of the weather, my little pups would freeze pretty quick. So, we are just at home day in and day out. I'm really experiencing stay home motherhood I guess. Feeding, cleaning up pees/poops, talking to a little creature that doesn't talk back, taking naps. Overall, I don't mind it but cabin fever is setting in a bit. I don't mind winter when the temperature is bearable. Ice skating, tobogganing, walks in the snow are all things I enjoy.

I borrowed the first season of The Dog Whisperer and watched that last week. That show really puts you in the state of mind, that you better train your dog well right off the bat or you are in for a boat load of issues. Ruby is doing really well so far, accidents in the house are at a minimum although I do watch her every second she's out of her kennel. She already knows sit, and I use that for her 'manners' meaning she has to sit before she gets to do a lot of things --play with a toy, eat, come up on my lap, get a treat. We are going to our first puppy class on Sunday, and I hope she is at the right stage. I have taken her around the house in her lease a bit, she only tolerates it if I coax her with treats but she's still young. My furbaby turned 9 weeks today!

I have no momentum to look for a job right now. We are still doing well enough thanks to hubby who has a great job and knows how to make a bit extra on the stock market. When I do find a job I think I will only work part-time, I just have no ambition to get really into my career right now.
Working at home would probably be ideal for me, just don't know what I would do. Freelance graphic design I think would drive me insane (I have training in this). I would like to do something creative, we'll see. For right now, Ruby and I will continue to enjoy our home which I love so much....good we are spending a lot of time in it as we payed enough for it!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Ruby Update

Well, being a puppy mother is tougher than I remember. But last time I had a puppy I was living at home, so it was my dad who got up in the middle of the night to let puppy out. Now its me, and watching little Rubster like a hawk so there are no 'accidents' is exhausting. She is a pretty good pup so far and has caught on super well to the bathroom rules. From day one we headed outside in the -30 degrees Celsius weather, which at first she looked at me like I was a sadistic torturer. But now three days later, she is already used to it, and pees outside, like there's no tomorrow.

She already responds to her name and I have taught her to sit. She loves her kennel still but wants to spend more time with us than sitting in there, which means she is bonded with her new mommy and daddy. She likes to snuggle in right around my neck when she's falling asleep with me on the couch. Getting her to stop the puppy biting is going to be an ongoing struggle, but she is getting a bit better. Now I just need to get both of us on a good night time schedule, I've only had to let her out once each night, which I think is pretty good. Getting up in the night really sucks, but it won't last forever. Its way to cold to go on any walks, but we will be going to puppy class next weekend already, so I'm going to get her use to her leash next week.

Ruby is such a great pup, and just what I needed right now. I haven't thought about babymaking in a week --- lack of sleep. Plus, having a little somebody to cuddle and love is wonderful. Dogs are so great, they give you all the love you give them back in spades.