Didn't need to go for the beta test because AF came on Friday. I am feeling very alone, depressed and lost at the moment. I had major meltdowns on Friday and Saturday and of course had to do two major social functions. Friday was the party at my husband's friends house or as I like to call it "The Baby Parade", everybody in that group has kids and quite a few have brand new ones. My husband's best friend and fiancee have a newborn who has bad colic, so of course they have to complain about it. It is so infuriating for me because they don't realize how lucky they are. I guess none of The Fertiles will ever be able to relate to me and will always take their appreciation for their children for granted. I'm just feeling really alone and low right now, I don't know anyone personally going through this...its so isolating.
We won't be doing any treatments this month because the clinic is closed over the holidays. So, next month I guess we are planning on doing another round of IUI (which I'm starting to think is useless) and I just booked another follow-up appointment after that to discuss switching to IVF if it comes to that....but who are we kidding here I'm 38!
I know all this negativity really isn't good for my fertility, blah, blah, blah but I can't help it. I just have to wallow for awhile. My husband and I got in a tiff about going to that party, because I didn't want to and he said 'we can't stop living our life because of this'. I know he is right but I can't force myself to feel normal when I don't. I feel like a ticking time bomb of emotions just ready to blow!! I've never been a big Christmas person, but feeling even less in the spirit than usual. I hope for Christmas I can just start feeling like myself again, IF has really sucked out my will to have fun or feel good. As I wept into my DH's arms on Saturday, I said "I just don't know what to do anymore", and I really don't.
It's been a long time! Part 2
13 years ago
I am so sorry. It is so easy for this to take over your life - it was certainly that way for me. It is such a loss and a frustration. There are so many things I want to say on the positive side... but I remember needing to feel my feelings and to have other people leave me alone to feel them so I won't say anything. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteHi there, my name is Stacey! I just wanted to let you know that I love reading your blog and have become one of your followers and have put you on my list of favorites and will continue to enjoy following your story. It is so wonderful that you are so honest with your emotions, I can relate to you so much.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you and I also want you to know this YOU ARE NOT ALONE MY DEAR! Right now, I am in the same slump that you are and I could have written the post that you just did. It breaks my heart to think that we, as older women, have taken the time and followed God as he has led us to our soulmates to only find that having children was going to be a challenge. Just last week I found out that a friend of ours, who got married in late July, are already pregnant and sent their Christmas card with their names and including the word BABY! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! The melt down was on. Some times it does not take much for me, though I must say, I have been doing better. But in this instance, I even had a little chat with her after I found out and congratulated her. She told me "oh ~ it will happen when you least expect it!" Okay, UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! So, the mindful infertile that I am told her about my infertiity issues of which she said, "aw, I'm sorry." No really, when people say that, I feel like they really mean, "whew, I am so glad that is not me." Oh the stories that I have. So, I know all to well how you are feeling. Just know that if you need anything, I will be here for you, as will many others.
I will look forward to contiuing to follow your blog and want you to feel free to visit me at http://reillyfarmwifeprayingtobecomepregant.blogspot.com
Hugs and blessings,
Stacey
***You are in my thoughts and prayers.***
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm dreading my obligations later today. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get through it. I hope you find comfort knowing you aren't alone.
ReplyDelete