Me and DH got up early this morning to go pick up our fur-baby Ruby. The breeder lady even made up this whole scrapbook for us, of Ruby's life so far. That was really sweet and now I have a baby book of sorts. Ruby has only been at our house for 4 hours but I can tell, she is as in love with us as we are with her. I spent three weeks getting ready for our new arrival. Reading the latest on puppy training, sewing her a new bed, spraying bitter apple spray all around my new furniture.
I was anxious at night thinking of her arrival, and if we would be able to train her well. See, I grew up with dogs but my father's idea of training involved shouting and spanking the dog and none of those dogs were very well behaved. My Mom and Dad have a bichon now named Rocky. Rocky is a good egg who loves me but he wouldn't be what I would call a well-trained dog.
One of my goals with Ruby is to train her so well, she can be a pet therapy dog. That's where you and your dog volunteer and go to places like hospitals or senior's homes to cheer up the residents with a visit from a charming pooch. I can just imagine how lonely and boring it gets for people at some of these institutions, and for long-term residents who loves animals but can't have them a visit from Ruby would hopefully be a hilight of their day.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. We are only on day one, which includes night one. Usually pups don't do so well in the night away from their littermates for the first time. I'm optimistic because she is already loving her kennel, which she is sleeping in right now. I was worried crate training would be really hard, but the breeder gave her exposure to one which make my job ALOT easier.
So, here starts my journey with my fur-baby. Hopefully, my fur-baby and a future baby baby will meet in 2009.
So, what is a girl to do when a holiday like this approaches, especially when you are TTC. For those of us raised in the Catholic/Christian faith this whole season is about a birth, a miracle, a much anticipated baby. Gee, it might be a good time to convert to Judaism, so we don't have to hear about Mary's third trimester and labor over and over again. Just stab me in the heart why don't ya. She didn't even have to TTC, an angel just shows up and presto. Not even a worry about BBT's, OPK's, PCOS, blocked tubes. Didn't even have to convince her husband to go for a SA, she was just blessed with the Lord's holy fertility and Joseph was cool with that. I know a lot of us have very understanding and supportive husbands but would they be as cool as Joseph---I wonder.
And now is the time for holiday cheer, but what do you do if you are TTC. TTC and all its stupid rules -- no caffeine, no alcohol, be at optimum weight, take your temp at the same time every morning. I bet you, there aren't too many babies born at the end of September (in general), cause like me many women probably kick all the 'rules' to the curb this month. Bring on the hot toddys, the shortbread, the eggnog latte and sleeping in till I damn well feel like getting up. I don't have kids, I need to enjoy the holiday cheer (adult style) while I can. So, I raise my glass to all you ladies on the same Path of Promise as I am, may 2009 be your fateful year and may all our Christmas wishes come true.
Winter has hit Edmonton, and hit us pretty hard. Today is -30 degrees Celsius which is frickin cold. We are going to a Christmas Party tonight, but other than that I am not leaving my house and neither is my husband. And what do you know I'm ovulating today, isn't that nice and convienient for once. A couple of months ago when I was ovulating we were on a plane coming back from California. A whole day of traveling and no where to do any baby dancing. I am the type of person who likes to try new things, but joining the mile high club is not in my '100 things to do before I die' list. Really I don't even think it would be possible for two people over 5'9" and 150 lbs., to comfortably get into position, so to speak. And it wasn't too long ago, that another fateful night of ovulation, my husband had to go to a funeral of a friend's brother, then they went out drinking their sorrows away. Needless to say many, many beers does not create the correct atmosphere or physics for babydancing. Then there was the times, he has scheduled golf trips to Vegas during my week of ovulation, ya I was really thrilled about that.
So, I've now gotten to the point I'm sure every woman TTC has. I mark it in bright red stars in his daytimer when he must be around to fulfill his 'husbandly duties'. He is now scheduled for the next seven months. Of course, the two weeks after this week are the worst for me. The waiting, the speculating, the wanting, the hoping, the praying. I think this month will be 1000 times better than the last 13, because my puppy that we've decided to name RUBY is coming to her new forever home with us on December 28th. I will be so preoccupied with puppy peeing all over my house I won't even have time to think about what may or may not be happening in my belly.
Not really thrilled to be going to this Christmas Party thing tonight. Its all my husband's buddies and their wives. They are all nice people, but none are really my good friends. So, the husbands and wives usually spilt off into two different corners. The husbands play poker and the wives sit and talk about kids ---- oh gee I wonder why I don't have an awesome time. Not really keen on talking to these ladies about my IF issues. There will be alot of 'just relax', 'oh my friend did this, and got pregnant right away', or 'it will happen don't worry'. And of course I know there is going to be at least one baby and one newborn there. All I can say is PASS THE WINE, no the whole bottle thank you.
I was just reading my book, 'The Lovely Bones' and one scene spoke of the father tucking the son into bed. And how the father would lift up the sheet and let it fall over his son like a parachute. I had an immediate flashback to my mother doing that to me. I probably haven't thought of that in decades.
What a great memory that is. The safeness of being in your own bed and the comfort of having my mom envelop me in the fresh from the dryer comforter. The smell and the warmth of it was the ultimate meaning of security blanket. It's so funny how you forget so much of when you were a child, you remember the significant, tramatic things but the simple things that were the small fibres of your development drift away.
It made me wonder this morning as I sip my coffee and look out onto my snow field of a backyard, if I will ever get to let the parachute drop on my own little one. Tucking someone in every night in my own house seems like such a dream. A dream just to have a little one who relies on me every moment of the day for their security. Sometimes it seems like an overwhelming task that no one is totally capable of taking on. I know I am ready though, really ready. I am just waiting for the universe to spark the beauty of life inside me. Maybe it will never come, but for this moment (which is all I can live in), I must believe that it will.
I know I'm going for the big cliche here but I'm getting a puppy for Christmas. We should have gotten her like 3 months ago, but just so happens we are talking about it now. I took some time off work, was suppose to be like my summer vacation but six months later I'm still being a happy homemaker (without any kids that is). I feel very retro, very 50's cause I think that was probably the last decade that married women without children actually just stayed home. I've been meaning to find a job and have had a couple interviews this month but nothing yet. So, last week my husband starts questioning me about dogs because he was reading some ads for dogs in the classified.
Once you start talking about dogs with me, forget about it I am all one track mind. I love puppies and have been dying to have one of my own for like 10 years. I lived in a no pets allowed apartment for nine years before I met my husband. We just moved into our house July 07 and I have been dying to get a dog ever since. Only problem was our backyard is unfinished and I thought it wouldn't be right to get a dog before we have a yard for her. But now is the dead of winter and I never thought we would be thinking of getting a puppy now, since they are much easier to train in the summer and when you have a yard. I have the time now to train a dog and I want to have a well trained dog, so I guess this is the time to do it. I have also always wanted to train a dog that I could use in pet therapy (where you go around to children's hospital or senior's residence with your pet), I think that would be so great.
So, we went to go see my new future furry child yesterday. She is only 4 weeks old and wouldn't be able to come home for 3 weeks. Which would be just after Christmas, which is probably the best time so we don't have to leave her alone during Christmas festivities or take her along which would be too crazy and hectic for a little pup. I'm pretty excited and I can't hardly sleep. I guess I'm wanting to be a mommy to anyone right now, so I think this will be good for feeding that need.
Next dilemma is what to name my precious little girl. I'd like some opinions if anyone would like to offer theirs. From the picture above what do think she looks like: 1) Daisy 2) Molly 3) Georgie 4) Sadie 5) Winnie
So, guess who's back in town. You guessed it Aunt Flo! Or as I say to my husband every month 'The Bitch is back'. I'm referring to AF as the bitch not me, I'm rather pleasant around this time of the month, somewhat weepy at times but not bitchy. Two ironic things come to mind when talking of AF, first when I was twelve I couldn't wait for her to arrive the very first time. You read 'Are you there God, its me Margaret', and can't quite believe this is going to happen to you. Then you feel a little competitive with your friends as to who has it and who doesn't. You want to become a woman so bad, you are just praying everyday for it to come. Then it does.....and then you think why the hell did I want this! I had horrible, horrible cramps when I was a teenager, missing school type, taking tylenol until you get high type. I didn't figure out or was too embarrassed to actually go to the doctor and get the right medication till I was like 17. Ahhh, the magic little blue pills, made those two days of the month so bearable again.
And now, I am hoping every month Aunt Flo will not make her arrival. But yet here she is this month, in all her glory. And I want to shout from the rooftops how much I hate her right now. I mean I don't want her to go away forever yet, that would mean I'm real old. I don't understand why she doesn't want to go on a nice vacation, a lovely 9 month cruise. I keep seeing this commercial for tampons where a stylish older lady depicting 'Mother Nature' is handing out a red present as the monthly gift to women going on vacation, and telling them their tampons won't be good enough for this monthly visit, well I'm glad to finally put a face to my misery. Now I just need to find that lady and tell her to leave town for nine months.
I'm hating AF so much, I want to write on my Facebook status "I HATE AUNT FLO", but the other ironic thing is that I actually have an aunt named Florence. And lo and behold, she is actually one of very few people over 60 who actually is on Facebook. I should just do it, because I don't like her very much either, it would be doubly cathartic. Don't worry I won't, remember I not a bitch.....yet.
So, I had a chat with my California RE yesterday. He was calling to let me know the results of all the recent tests we had done lately. Overall, I guess the call was positive basically the two things that are hampering us is my age (as my eggs appear to be in good numbers but being 37 the quality is not guaranteed), and my husband's sperm morphology (which is at 8% and should ideally be above 14%). So, he told me its not impossible but we do need to start some treatments. Ideally, we should go the clomid + IUI route. Unfortunately, we can't really do that right now. See we live in Canada, and I was referred to the Fertility Clinic here in September --- the waitlist to get in is approximately 9 months to one year. So, I decided when we went to visit my sister n law in October in Sacramento, I would go see a fertility doctor down there just to speed up the fertility work-up aspect and find out if I am going to be TTC for another whole year and there is problems. So, I am very thankful that I was able to see the RE in California because I know where my status is at, but now its just a waiting game. I can try the clomid on its own for three cycles as per his suggestion, which I am going to do but its so frustrating having time tick away waiting to do start the most effective treatment.
Flying down to California for IUI is not really an option for us, due to time and money. And of course I was feeling really tired last week and got hopeful that it was because I am pregnant but now I'm sure I'm just sick with the flu. AF is due in two days, but I did a HPT anyways because I really wanted to take some cold/flu medicine and just wanted to be sure. I know I can't totally be sure this early, but I have to release some of the guilt towards taking medicine and having a hot toddy so I can feel better. Its such a hard 2+ weeks between ovulation and CD1, you just don't know what you should or shouldn't do. Plus, now I'm getting all anxiety ridden about going to Christmas gatherings because everyone right now is either pregnant or just popped one out. I don't think I can take it. Its always in the back of your head that some insensitive loser is going to ask you the dreaded question, I'd rather just stay home with my husband and watch LOST DVD's and eat chocolate. Christmas is so overrated. Don't mind my bitterness, this is the flu talking.
So, I just got back from Las Vegas. I haven't gone in like 6 years and my last trip was horrendous. I went with this totally psycho co-worker, who I don't speak with anymore. So, I was due for a good trip to Vegas. But boy I just don't have the stamina I use to. It was go-go-go for four days straight. It was alot of fun, I haven't gone with a larger group before (4 couples). So, the only bad part is having to conform to what everyone wants to do. I am pretty laid back, but sometimes I just need to take a breather and don't want to be with everyone 24/7, so that was a bit of a challenge. I did well on the gambling front and won about $500 playing the slot machines. My strategy was to pick the cutest one, and that worked for me. The majority of my wins was on the 'Wizard of Oz' themed machine. I almost peed my pants when Gilda the Good Witch told me I won a progressive jackpot, see the highest jackpot they were showing was $977,000 but I only won the lowest progressive which was $250. It was nice to get out and forget the worries of TTC. I did fret a bit about drinking alcohol, but I can't just be so pre-occupied with that or I'll never have fun. I mean I hardly ever drink regularly, like maybe a couple drinks a month. So I let loose, and had alot of fun especially when we went to the Dueling Pianos show, that was a blast.
So, as per course as everyone who is TTC, many people around are having babies. So, my sister n law gave birth to my newest niece last night. Her name is Harley Brynn and she is wonderful and precious, and she came three weeks early. Her older sister Hailey is very happy and proud, and I am extremely excited for them. Of course I'm jealous, but I don't feel anything but happiness to have this beautiful little girl in my life. I love being an Auntie. And one of my best friends is due anytime now as well, another girl. So, its lovely little girls all around, maybe a little girl will be coming my way soon too.
I have been lucky enough to have the last five months off from working. I had decided to leave my last job because I just didn't feel comfortable there anymore. And mainly all my friends who I had started out there working with, a tight knit group of four had all moved on (two had left to have babies). And there I was still baby-less with annoying co-workers who had known me for three years and were asking those dreaded 'why aren't you pregnant?' jabs. I mean I also left because I didn't find my job challenging anymore, it just wasn't because of insensitive battle axes. So, thanks from support (emotional & financial) of my wonderful hubby I got my first real summer vacation in like 23 years. Considering I've been going to school or had a job since I was 14. I have spent my time trying to relax (when not constantly thinking about TTC), painting our newly finished basement, sewing projects, spending time with people, but curiously not learning how to cook.
But now its time to hit the pavement again because I'm a little bored and my husband keeps giving me that look. It's so unfair, but I know life is unfair. I love being at home, but the only legitimate way I can swing being at home 24/7 is to have a baby, and we all know that hasn't happened yet. I know, I know I could start my own home based business but I really don't know what I would want to do. I am waiting for the million dollar idea to hit. So, until then I have to go out into that rough n' tumble world of job seeking. It really is one of my most dreaded tasks in life, but I put myself here so I can't complain. I had my first job interview yesterday. I think it went OK, but I can't believe I stumbled on the question "How would your friend's describe you?". I guess I don't know exactly what my friends would say about me. I know it wouldn't be anything bad, but exactly what adjectives they would use I'm not sure, I'm going to have to ask some of them. My answer to the question was loyal, dependable, funny, open-minded. And then I said something stupid like "I don't know what to say, I don't want to sound conceited." And then the interviewers said, well this is your time to sell yourself to us. And then I knew I had blown it. I tried to be as relaxed as I could and let my true self shine through, but I find I'm always holding back a bit. I'm just not super forthright with complete strangers, I've always been that way.
Well, it was a good practice run anyway. Who knows I may get a call back, but I don't think its a job I really want anyways. It sounds pretty high stress. They kept asking me if I was prepared to run around like crazy, how would I deal with all the type A personalities that work there and how do I deal with stress. So, when they are asking you questions like that its going to be a stressful place to work. I want to keep my stress levels to a minimum, in case baby dust falls my way. I have tried to do a visualization to help me through interviews, which is to pretend I'm a movie star being interviewed about their latest movie. When you see the stars being interviewed they are the ones in control (mostly) and the interviewers are trying to make themselves be liked by the stars and not vice versa. So, next interview I hope to be thinking to myself, "I hope I get asked some interesting questions, and not just how it is to kiss Brad Pitt, how many times have I heard that before".
I am not usually inclined to talk about the intimate details of my relationship, but when you are 'trying' for a baby that is all that is on your mind. More in a scheduling and practical way than in a lustful or romantic one. But overall I think it is good for our relationship to be so focused on our physical intimacy for a whole week. I mean there are no excuses like I don't feel like it or I am too tired, this is a priority and it has to get done. And really that's how it should be but we all get so into routines or get preoccupied with other things that are far less important than the closeness you really only share with one person (if you are in a committed relationship of course). Marriage experts insist that your physical relationship should be one of your top priorities and definitely will keep you together longer if it is healthy and thriving. I think it is a gift that in the process of trying to create this new person for our family, we have this week where its a priority for us to be together. It's just a matter of putting yourself in a good headspace as well, not focus on the outcome you are trying to achieve from this but be in the moment with you and your partner.
So, my house just seems emptier and emptier these days. I love that Gary, Vanessa and I are a family but since Vanessa (stepdaughter) doesn't live with us its just the two of us. I feel that I will just have the fun aunt role in her life, since we don't live together I can't really see it developing into something parental. Which is fine, she is already 14 and I'm sure the last thing a 14 year old wants is another parent. So, I am the role I am very familiar with which is the fun Auntie, I have loved being an Auntie to my two nieces and one nephew. I am so ready to be someone's mommy though. Wow, I finally said it I am not one for such proclamations. I know I've been trying for a child for a year but I try to just keep a laid back attitude about it. You know the one I project to everyone, being too honest would allow for way too much vulnerability to be shown on a daily basis. I have to keep the attitude of 'if it happens it happens', and if not no big deal I'll deal with it.
So, this is my week of optimum hope. That magical baby dust has sprinkled down on me. Every month has one of these weeks, and I'm trying to see them as a week of hopefullness and not one of distress or anxiety. I am promising myself that this month I will focus on this week and not so much on the weeks after. Those are the worst. I had been taking my temperature daily for the whole month (for the past few months), so that I could tell if I was pregnant. But this time I will do the temp thing for the week of ovulation then I will stop because I have to have some form of self preservation here. Then I will just see if my period comes or not and go from there. I think that is the smart thing to do in order to stop the stressing and obsessing. Its so hard when you have thoroughly educated yourself on all this fertility stuff, to stop yourself from doing these things.
And what am I really saying to myself is "Ya, good luck with that".
Well, just one good egg would do it. The path of infertility is somewhere no one thinks they will have to go, I know I didn't. Yes, I am in my late thirties as of three days ago and only got married last year so really babymaking was not particularly on my mind until now. I was not going to think of having children until I found my soul mate to conquer this endeavor with. I have found that person, who is already a wonderful father (to his daughter), but we are not parents together yet. I think it would be such a wonderfully fullfilling journey to have a child with him and all my hopes are with this now.
Going through infertility, has many up and downs and surprises galore. What is really a surprise is how much I didn't know about my own body until I realized it wasn't doing what I expected of it. I had no doubt that I would be pregnant within a year, but I am not. So, here we go in full swing into the arms of the 'specialists', whether it be western or eastern medicine. I have already been poked and probed (no pun) and so far we have figured out that nothing per say is wrong, but no plan of action has been devised. I'm really in the beginning stages of treatment, but in the mid stages of being frustrated and disappointed. My 'monthly visitor' has never been a welcome sight for me due to the pain she always brings, but now she brings the emotional pain with the physical.
You can never really know how loud a biological clock can tick until you have to hear your own. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK, damn that's loud.
I'm 38 and DH is 41. We got married in September 07. Being naive in the ways of the fertility gods, I assumed getting pregnant would be no big deal. And here we are two years later and alot more educated on infertility and why my old eggs aren't cooperating. Took me 35 years to find my soul mate, don't know how long it will take to create a soul in progress.
Oct 07 - Went off BC Oct 07 to Nov 08 - BBT, OPK Feb 08 - Told by GP had to wait one year (of TTC) before could be referred to RE Sept 08 - Asked to be referred to RE, found out waitlist is close to one year (this is how Canada works) Oct 08 - Went to see RE in California on visit to relatives, and had HSG and ultrasound done,both OK Oct 08 - DH had SA done and was OK (or so I thought) Dec 08 - Clomid Challenge Test OK, Sperm morphology 8% (ideal should be 14%) Feb 09 - Did one cycle of Clomid Jul 09 - 1st Appointment with RE at local Fertility Clinic, more bloodwork, another SA and ultrasound Sept 09 - had follow-up appointment Sept 09 - First IUI attempt cancelled due to cyst in ovary Oct 09 - 1st round of IUI failed
Nov 09 - 2nd round of IUI failed
Jan 10 - 3rd round of IUI failed
June 10 - IVF #1 - 2 embryos -BFN Oct 10 - FET #1 - 3 embryos - BFP
Oct 10 - BFP!!!! Jul 5/11 - Expected Due Date
Patience is the art of hoping. -Marquis De Vauvenargues
TTC - Trying to Concieve
IF - Infertility
AF - Aunt Flo (My Period)
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
CD - Cycle Day
DH - Dear Husband HSG - Hysterosalpingogram RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist SA - Sperm Analysis BBT - Basal Body Temperature OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kit DPO - Days Past Ovulation IUI - Intra-Uterine Insemination B U/S - Baseline Ultrasound TCM - Traditional Chinese Medicine U/S - Ultrasound LPD - Luteal Phase Defect IVF - InVitro Fertilization ET - Embryo Transfer 2WW - Two Week Wait BFN - Big Fat Negative FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer