Me and DH got up early this morning to go pick up our fur-baby Ruby. The breeder lady even made up this whole scrapbook for us, of Ruby's life so far. That was really sweet and now I have a baby book of sorts. Ruby has only been at our house for 4 hours but I can tell, she is as in love with us as we are with her. I spent three weeks getting ready for our new arrival. Reading the latest on puppy training, sewing her a new bed, spraying bitter apple spray all around my new furniture.
I was anxious at night thinking of her arrival, and if we would be able to train her well. See, I grew up with dogs but my father's idea of training involved shouting and spanking the dog and none of those dogs were very well behaved. My Mom and Dad have a bichon now named Rocky. Rocky is a good egg who loves me but he wouldn't be what I would call a well-trained dog.
One of my goals with Ruby is to train her so well, she can be a pet therapy dog. That's where you and your dog volunteer and go to places like hospitals or senior's homes to cheer up the residents with a visit from a charming pooch. I can just imagine how lonely and boring it gets for people at some of these institutions, and for long-term residents who loves animals but can't have them a visit from Ruby would hopefully be a hilight of their day.
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. We are only on day one, which includes night one. Usually pups don't do so well in the night away from their littermates for the first time. I'm optimistic because she is already loving her kennel, which she is sleeping in right now. I was worried crate training would be really hard, but the breeder gave her exposure to one which make my job ALOT easier.
So, here starts my journey with my fur-baby. Hopefully, my fur-baby and a future baby baby will meet in 2009.
So, what is a girl to do when a holiday like this approaches, especially when you are TTC. For those of us raised in the Catholic/Christian faith this whole season is about a birth, a miracle, a much anticipated baby. Gee, it might be a good time to convert to Judaism, so we don't have to hear about Mary's third trimester and labor over and over again. Just stab me in the heart why don't ya. She didn't even have to TTC, an angel just shows up and presto. Not even a worry about BBT's, OPK's, PCOS, blocked tubes. Didn't even have to convince her husband to go for a SA, she was just blessed with the Lord's holy fertility and Joseph was cool with that. I know a lot of us have very understanding and supportive husbands but would they be as cool as Joseph---I wonder.
And now is the time for holiday cheer, but what do you do if you are TTC. TTC and all its stupid rules -- no caffeine, no alcohol, be at optimum weight, take your temp at the same time every morning. I bet you, there aren't too many babies born at the end of September (in general), cause like me many women probably kick all the 'rules' to the curb this month. Bring on the hot toddys, the shortbread, the eggnog latte and sleeping in till I damn well feel like getting up. I don't have kids, I need to enjoy the holiday cheer (adult style) while I can. So, I raise my glass to all you ladies on the same Path of Promise as I am, may 2009 be your fateful year and may all our Christmas wishes come true.
Winter has hit Edmonton, and hit us pretty hard. Today is -30 degrees Celsius which is frickin cold. We are going to a Christmas Party tonight, but other than that I am not leaving my house and neither is my husband. And what do you know I'm ovulating today, isn't that nice and convienient for once. A couple of months ago when I was ovulating we were on a plane coming back from California. A whole day of traveling and no where to do any baby dancing. I am the type of person who likes to try new things, but joining the mile high club is not in my '100 things to do before I die' list. Really I don't even think it would be possible for two people over 5'9" and 150 lbs., to comfortably get into position, so to speak. And it wasn't too long ago, that another fateful night of ovulation, my husband had to go to a funeral of a friend's brother, then they went out drinking their sorrows away. Needless to say many, many beers does not create the correct atmosphere or physics for babydancing. Then there was the times, he has scheduled golf trips to Vegas during my week of ovulation, ya I was really thrilled about that.
So, I've now gotten to the point I'm sure every woman TTC has. I mark it in bright red stars in his daytimer when he must be around to fulfill his 'husbandly duties'. He is now scheduled for the next seven months. Of course, the two weeks after this week are the worst for me. The waiting, the speculating, the wanting, the hoping, the praying. I think this month will be 1000 times better than the last 13, because my puppy that we've decided to name RUBY is coming to her new forever home with us on December 28th. I will be so preoccupied with puppy peeing all over my house I won't even have time to think about what may or may not be happening in my belly.
Not really thrilled to be going to this Christmas Party thing tonight. Its all my husband's buddies and their wives. They are all nice people, but none are really my good friends. So, the husbands and wives usually spilt off into two different corners. The husbands play poker and the wives sit and talk about kids ---- oh gee I wonder why I don't have an awesome time. Not really keen on talking to these ladies about my IF issues. There will be alot of 'just relax', 'oh my friend did this, and got pregnant right away', or 'it will happen don't worry'. And of course I know there is going to be at least one baby and one newborn there. All I can say is PASS THE WINE, no the whole bottle thank you.
I was just reading my book, 'The Lovely Bones' and one scene spoke of the father tucking the son into bed. And how the father would lift up the sheet and let it fall over his son like a parachute. I had an immediate flashback to my mother doing that to me. I probably haven't thought of that in decades.
What a great memory that is. The safeness of being in your own bed and the comfort of having my mom envelop me in the fresh from the dryer comforter. The smell and the warmth of it was the ultimate meaning of security blanket. It's so funny how you forget so much of when you were a child, you remember the significant, tramatic things but the simple things that were the small fibres of your development drift away.
It made me wonder this morning as I sip my coffee and look out onto my snow field of a backyard, if I will ever get to let the parachute drop on my own little one. Tucking someone in every night in my own house seems like such a dream. A dream just to have a little one who relies on me every moment of the day for their security. Sometimes it seems like an overwhelming task that no one is totally capable of taking on. I know I am ready though, really ready. I am just waiting for the universe to spark the beauty of life inside me. Maybe it will never come, but for this moment (which is all I can live in), I must believe that it will.
I know I'm going for the big cliche here but I'm getting a puppy for Christmas. We should have gotten her like 3 months ago, but just so happens we are talking about it now. I took some time off work, was suppose to be like my summer vacation but six months later I'm still being a happy homemaker (without any kids that is). I feel very retro, very 50's cause I think that was probably the last decade that married women without children actually just stayed home. I've been meaning to find a job and have had a couple interviews this month but nothing yet. So, last week my husband starts questioning me about dogs because he was reading some ads for dogs in the classified.
Once you start talking about dogs with me, forget about it I am all one track mind. I love puppies and have been dying to have one of my own for like 10 years. I lived in a no pets allowed apartment for nine years before I met my husband. We just moved into our house July 07 and I have been dying to get a dog ever since. Only problem was our backyard is unfinished and I thought it wouldn't be right to get a dog before we have a yard for her. But now is the dead of winter and I never thought we would be thinking of getting a puppy now, since they are much easier to train in the summer and when you have a yard. I have the time now to train a dog and I want to have a well trained dog, so I guess this is the time to do it. I have also always wanted to train a dog that I could use in pet therapy (where you go around to children's hospital or senior's residence with your pet), I think that would be so great.
So, we went to go see my new future furry child yesterday. She is only 4 weeks old and wouldn't be able to come home for 3 weeks. Which would be just after Christmas, which is probably the best time so we don't have to leave her alone during Christmas festivities or take her along which would be too crazy and hectic for a little pup. I'm pretty excited and I can't hardly sleep. I guess I'm wanting to be a mommy to anyone right now, so I think this will be good for feeding that need.
Next dilemma is what to name my precious little girl. I'd like some opinions if anyone would like to offer theirs. From the picture above what do think she looks like: 1) Daisy 2) Molly 3) Georgie 4) Sadie 5) Winnie
So, guess who's back in town. You guessed it Aunt Flo! Or as I say to my husband every month 'The Bitch is back'. I'm referring to AF as the bitch not me, I'm rather pleasant around this time of the month, somewhat weepy at times but not bitchy. Two ironic things come to mind when talking of AF, first when I was twelve I couldn't wait for her to arrive the very first time. You read 'Are you there God, its me Margaret', and can't quite believe this is going to happen to you. Then you feel a little competitive with your friends as to who has it and who doesn't. You want to become a woman so bad, you are just praying everyday for it to come. Then it does.....and then you think why the hell did I want this! I had horrible, horrible cramps when I was a teenager, missing school type, taking tylenol until you get high type. I didn't figure out or was too embarrassed to actually go to the doctor and get the right medication till I was like 17. Ahhh, the magic little blue pills, made those two days of the month so bearable again.
And now, I am hoping every month Aunt Flo will not make her arrival. But yet here she is this month, in all her glory. And I want to shout from the rooftops how much I hate her right now. I mean I don't want her to go away forever yet, that would mean I'm real old. I don't understand why she doesn't want to go on a nice vacation, a lovely 9 month cruise. I keep seeing this commercial for tampons where a stylish older lady depicting 'Mother Nature' is handing out a red present as the monthly gift to women going on vacation, and telling them their tampons won't be good enough for this monthly visit, well I'm glad to finally put a face to my misery. Now I just need to find that lady and tell her to leave town for nine months.
I'm hating AF so much, I want to write on my Facebook status "I HATE AUNT FLO", but the other ironic thing is that I actually have an aunt named Florence. And lo and behold, she is actually one of very few people over 60 who actually is on Facebook. I should just do it, because I don't like her very much either, it would be doubly cathartic. Don't worry I won't, remember I not a bitch.....yet.
So, I had a chat with my California RE yesterday. He was calling to let me know the results of all the recent tests we had done lately. Overall, I guess the call was positive basically the two things that are hampering us is my age (as my eggs appear to be in good numbers but being 37 the quality is not guaranteed), and my husband's sperm morphology (which is at 8% and should ideally be above 14%). So, he told me its not impossible but we do need to start some treatments. Ideally, we should go the clomid + IUI route. Unfortunately, we can't really do that right now. See we live in Canada, and I was referred to the Fertility Clinic here in September --- the waitlist to get in is approximately 9 months to one year. So, I decided when we went to visit my sister n law in October in Sacramento, I would go see a fertility doctor down there just to speed up the fertility work-up aspect and find out if I am going to be TTC for another whole year and there is problems. So, I am very thankful that I was able to see the RE in California because I know where my status is at, but now its just a waiting game. I can try the clomid on its own for three cycles as per his suggestion, which I am going to do but its so frustrating having time tick away waiting to do start the most effective treatment.
Flying down to California for IUI is not really an option for us, due to time and money. And of course I was feeling really tired last week and got hopeful that it was because I am pregnant but now I'm sure I'm just sick with the flu. AF is due in two days, but I did a HPT anyways because I really wanted to take some cold/flu medicine and just wanted to be sure. I know I can't totally be sure this early, but I have to release some of the guilt towards taking medicine and having a hot toddy so I can feel better. Its such a hard 2+ weeks between ovulation and CD1, you just don't know what you should or shouldn't do. Plus, now I'm getting all anxiety ridden about going to Christmas gatherings because everyone right now is either pregnant or just popped one out. I don't think I can take it. Its always in the back of your head that some insensitive loser is going to ask you the dreaded question, I'd rather just stay home with my husband and watch LOST DVD's and eat chocolate. Christmas is so overrated. Don't mind my bitterness, this is the flu talking.
I'm 38 and DH is 41. We got married in September 07. Being naive in the ways of the fertility gods, I assumed getting pregnant would be no big deal. And here we are two years later and alot more educated on infertility and why my old eggs aren't cooperating. Took me 35 years to find my soul mate, don't know how long it will take to create a soul in progress.
Oct 07 - Went off BC Oct 07 to Nov 08 - BBT, OPK Feb 08 - Told by GP had to wait one year (of TTC) before could be referred to RE Sept 08 - Asked to be referred to RE, found out waitlist is close to one year (this is how Canada works) Oct 08 - Went to see RE in California on visit to relatives, and had HSG and ultrasound done,both OK Oct 08 - DH had SA done and was OK (or so I thought) Dec 08 - Clomid Challenge Test OK, Sperm morphology 8% (ideal should be 14%) Feb 09 - Did one cycle of Clomid Jul 09 - 1st Appointment with RE at local Fertility Clinic, more bloodwork, another SA and ultrasound Sept 09 - had follow-up appointment Sept 09 - First IUI attempt cancelled due to cyst in ovary Oct 09 - 1st round of IUI failed
Nov 09 - 2nd round of IUI failed
Jan 10 - 3rd round of IUI failed
June 10 - IVF #1 - 2 embryos -BFN Oct 10 - FET #1 - 3 embryos - BFP
Oct 10 - BFP!!!! Jul 5/11 - Expected Due Date
Patience is the art of hoping. -Marquis De Vauvenargues
TTC - Trying to Concieve
IF - Infertility
AF - Aunt Flo (My Period)
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
CD - Cycle Day
DH - Dear Husband HSG - Hysterosalpingogram RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist SA - Sperm Analysis BBT - Basal Body Temperature OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kit DPO - Days Past Ovulation IUI - Intra-Uterine Insemination B U/S - Baseline Ultrasound TCM - Traditional Chinese Medicine U/S - Ultrasound LPD - Luteal Phase Defect IVF - InVitro Fertilization ET - Embryo Transfer 2WW - Two Week Wait BFN - Big Fat Negative FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer