Game Over

Wish I could say I had a happy ending, but no such luck. BFN today. Although I pretty much knew a couple of days ago with some spotting. My weekend away turned very sad, very quick. Luckily I had Lilith Fair to distract me a bit. I have my sad moments of course, but feeling mostly numb. We do have five frozen embryos which gives us hope. Probably won't be able to do FET until September as the clinic is closed for two weeks in July-August.

Its pretty sad when you are so used to disappointment that you don't feel anything as strongly anymore. Life goes on. I have a great life and don't want to linger in sadness and regret for a whole summer. Already called the rescue society for a foster dog, will go look at some on Friday. Think I will take a quilting class and running class for the rest of the summer if they are offered. Plan on going to every festival I can to take advantage of probably my last non-working summer.

Everyone survives a broken heart, too bad my heart is so scarred.

Feeling The Crazies

These drugs are killing me. I'm tired, I'm depressed and Monday can't come soon enough. My mood just dropped a couple days ago and I am hoping its pregnancy hormones. I'm bored and I'm lonely. DH went on his annual golf trip with the guys and Ruby went to my parents house so I wouldn't be tempted to pick her up. She's only ten pounds but I carry her alot and I'm trying not to do any lifting. Hence, I am very bored! Want to do more gardening but don't want to over do it. Want to visit my nieces but can't pick the baby up. Took a HPT test today just because I'm into the crazies and can't help it. It was negative.

I am scouring websites/forums for news on when people got their first +HPT post transfer and many say 6dpt is too early. Made me feel better for a little while. Also, had a vivid sex dream while I was napping yesterday. Lets just say I got that special feeling, woke up, freaked out, then had severe cramping for 10 minutes. Convinced I had just wrecked everything I scoured the forums again and I guess this is quite common with all the hormones racing through us. The cramping was pretty bad though and that probably means uterine contractions, but what could I do it happened in my sleep.

Tried to get cheered up by going to the movie 'Babies' yesterday. It was such a cute film and it did make me feel better. So, glad I'm going away this weekend to see Lilith Fair in Calgary. Though I did cancel my spa appointments that I had booked for Saturday because I wasn't sure they were safe -- have read conflicting things about massage/spas and first trimester. Monday is the day I'm going for beta and I said I would get myself a Marble-Slab Ice Cream Cone if its positive but I think I'm going to have the cone just for making it to Monday in one piece.

TIK TOK

2WW = Obsession = Hell
Time is going sooooooooooooo slowwwwly. How does one survive the 2WW from Hell??????Guess I will have to tell you after next Tuesday. I'm struggling a bit and obsessively reading internet postings on implantation and pregnancy signs. I'm sure everyone post-transfer goes through this.

I totally didn't time my reading schedule correctly because I just finished two page turners and now there is nothing. I need a great book to distract me. There are the other two books that I've been trying to finish for 6 months and can never get into. Eat, Pray, Love is one. Of course it is much hyped so I wanted to see what the fuss was about. I just cannot connect to her character because she is in the exact opposite place I'm in; not wanting to be married and not wanting kids. The other is City of Glass which is the third book in a urban fantasy series. The first two I liked but the finale is dragging on and I just want to skip to the end. I always try to finish books though, its just one of my obsessive things.

Started one of DH's books last night; a Jason Bourne continuation. Hoping the action of the book will keep my obsessive thoughts at bay. That's right I'm an ex-secret agent not a lady waiting on a blood test cause that is way cooler.

Smooth Operator

My embryo transfer went very smoothly. I had to wait an extra hour, so that was not so fun with a full bladder. We were told our embies were excellent in terms of size, grade etc. Everyone is the transfer room was so positive about it. I left there feeling so good. My RE is too funny, he was cracking so many jokes the nurse had to tell him to pipe down because she was having trouble with the ultrasound cause I was shaking so much (with laughter). We got to choose the tunes in the background because they had an ipod on a speaker system. On retrieval day I chose Michael Buble, and today I chose John Denver. John Denver music just makes me feel happy and good. My RE was laughing since he hadn't heard John Denver since childhood.

Nice to know my 2WW is only going to be nine days, so the torture won't last as long. I've got to study for my final exam which is on Tuesday, so that will keep my mind occupied for awhile. On Wednesday my friend and I are going to see the movie BABIES. So, babies will be on my mind that day. Then on Friday its off to Lilith Fair in Calgary. Beta test day is on the 28th.
'Take Me Home Country Road to the Place I Belong' - my embies theme song. They took their road to the place where they belong.

T Minus 1 to Transfer

Wow, this is my 90th post! And only one day away from embryo transfer. Am I nervous? Of course who wouldn't be. Getting set to let my baby grow. Eating the pineapple today, getting an Egg McMuffin tomorrow. Funny how we will believe anything and do anything for what we want. Can't hurt right? My acupuncturist is so awesome she is going to give me a free session right before my transfer. So, uterus will be calm and full of great blood flow.

Reading up on Day 5 embryos and I guess a lot of them may not make it to Day 5. I am preparing to hear that my 15 are now 8 or something. The strongest ones will prevail, which is the important thing. DH was asked if we would go to dinner tomorrow night at one of his friends. Sometimes, he can be such a bonehead. Does he really think I want to be socializing tomorrow? I want to be totally zen and stress free, and conversing with his friends doesn't leave me that way. First I said yes cause he was standing there with the phone in his hand, waiting to tell his friend my response. Then anger set in, and later I said NO! C'mon, I really don't need that kind of aggravation. Not that his friends are bad, but a small group (which is what there is suppose to be) will end up being a big one and I never have fun at those things. Glad I stood my ground.

Five days is a long time to wait, want my embies in my soon. They need to be with mama. Looking forward to a smooth transfer tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers.

Happy, Happy, Happy

I can truly say this is one of the happiest days I've had in the last 3 years. I found out today that we have 15 embryos. I feel very blessed, and while these babies aren't with me yet I have much appreciation for this news. You don't get much good news in between all the trying and testing of infertility, so I am so thankful just to have this day. On this day I can say I was happy!

Our embies are going to be growing for the next five days, which I believe is a very good sign. Day 5 embies greatly increases the chances of implantation to be successful. So, Saturday is the DAY! Have to get alot done in the next few days, because I'm going to be really careful for the next two weeks to not do anything strenuous. Will be hard to be such an invalid, guess I'll try to be like I was when I was a teenager --- lazy ; )

Here's hoping my retrieval buddy with the three eggs also had some good news today.

Wishing for a Baker's Dozen and got so much more!

My egg retrieval this morning went really well. The only hiccup was that they couldn't get an IV into my arm easily. It took 4 tries, and that was painful. During the procedure they told us we got 18 eggs! How amazing is that? Don't know what the grade on all those eggies are, but I hope they are healthy and smart like their mama. The lady in the next bed beside me, I overheard only got three. She didn't sound very happy and I felt bad for her. I hope three will be just enough for her.

The procedure itself wasn't that bad, I got a good amount of drugs so I didn't feel much. The IV actually hurt more. I felt a little woozy and super crampy leaving the retrieval room and started to cry a bit. I settled down after I got back in my comfy chair again and they gave me some extra strength tylenol. Very excited to get the call tomorrow to hear how many embies we have. I can't believe they are making our babies as I write this. June 14 is conception day for our babies!

The rest of the day I am going to be vegging out big time, lots of movies to watch. I feel groggy right now and my abdomen feels sore a bit. Tomorrow I start taking the progresterone, and we hear back as to when we go back for transfer. Either Thursday or Saturday will be the day. Thanks to everyone for all their good wishes I really appreciate them.

Days Gone By....Fast

Wow, can't believe this week is over and my egg retrieval is tomorrow. Yes, that's right I injected the HCG last night and report to the clinic at 8:30 am tomorrow. After feeling pretty tired at the beginning of the week, I bounced back and felt pretty great the rest of it. I guess I can credit that to my relaxation techniques, acupuncture and keeping busy. Maybe too busy! I know I was suppose to relax but I will save that till after the transfer, where DH tells me I am to do NOTHING! We are even going to send Ruby away to my parents for two weeks : ( I just am in too much of a habit of picking her up all the time and she is almost 10 lbs. Also, she has the habit of jumping on me all the time, which could be costly to my implantation. I will be so lonely without my furry child.

And today I had to hustle and finish my last assignment for the online course I'm doing. Its so beautiful outside today, and I'm stuck in the basement doing this. It is due tomorrow but I won't be in any condition to work on it then, so today was my only choice. I finished about half hour ago and I'm relieved. I have the final exam to do, the Tuesday after next. I didn't get to all the gardening I needed to do today. Hopefully, I will not be so down and out after retrieval I can finish up on Tuesday and Wednesday. It will be so hard post-transfer not to do my gardening--those are my babies too.

Still don't know how many eggs we will be transferring or what day we will be doing it. Guess we find that out tomorrow. My DH is so awesome, he had a friend's stag party to go to yesterday and came home from it early and hadn't drank too much. He didn't want it to affect his swimmers, which I don't think it would. So sweet none the less. At my final ultrasound on Saturday I had about 6-8 really big follicles and 5-7 smaller ones. My RE keep calling me a 'teenager' due to my follicle-production skills. And I actually found out they had Depleted Ovarian Reserve listed as my diagnosis. Uh hello - no one ever said that to me. Well I guess I proved them wrong, I can make a baker's dozen with the best of them.

Here's wishing for a smooth retrieval and many happy & healthy eggies.

Here Comes the Coma

Ok, finally now starting to feel the effects of the meds. Can barely keep my eyes open today. I had my 2nd ultrasound and everything seems to be progressing nicely. They still counted 10+ eggies today, but there were about 4 super big ones. My estradiol was high today so I'm starting the Cetrotide tonight. So, that will be three pokes tonight in the gut. Actually, I don't mind the needles so much, its just the scheduling them in everyday. Not that I'm super busy but I've been making lots of plans with people lately, and I always have to remind myself that the needles have to be done at that time.

I went dress shopping today with my Mom. I found two that I liked, well one that I liked and one that my Mom really wanted me to get. One is fitted, red-pink color with rouched flowers around the neckline and the other is floor length, strappy, flowy and blue/purple pattern. The flowing one was my pick, its so comfy and I can wear it anywhere. The dress is for a wedding in July, where DH is in the wedding party. I'll ask DH which one he likes, but I know it will be the pink one. Well, must be off to do my shots now. Status: Retrieval on either Friday or Saturday, I think?

First Ultrasound

Just got back from my first ultrasound in the IVF process. Looks like I have a whole bunch of eggies growing so I'm very happy about that. I lost count but I think the left side had about 5-6 and the right side 4-5. So, keep growing eggies and be happy. I have been feeling pretty good on the meds, just a bit tired. I'm glad they didn't tell me to up the dose or anything.

I'm now off to overnight babysit my two nieces (18 months and 7). Luckily, the older one is old enough to be a good helper. The baby is really good too, she hardly ever cries or gets upset. Here's hoping they will be little angels for me. My teenage niece is also coming over to help. Will be a fun night of pizza and movies. I think I'm going to make them watch 'Adventures in Babysitting' -- classic.