Blame Game

Eleven days until the 2WW is over and I am paranoia-city, but managing it better than usual. I was doing some yoga and did a twisting pose and of course 30 seconds after I did it I gasped! I shouldn't be doing twisting poses, but it was already done and if there is a little one inside (less than 1 mm) I'm sure one twist isn't disaster. I got over this quite easily where as a few months ago I would have obsessed for days.

I also have been taking some digestive enzymes with my supper, just because I've had digestion issues in the past and I want to get the most out of my food these days. I decided to read the bottle again for some reason, and lo and behold it read "Do not take if you are pregnant". Great I thought, been taking them for the last week.

What do you do? There are so many little ways you can think and read about how you are doing things to make this pregnancy not happen. Its such a blame game and I'm so sick of it!! Basically, I'm getting to the headspace of the fact, the real fact that I'm old and my fertility chances are slim because of that. And its no ones fault that I'm old, that's life --this is where I ended up trying to have a baby in my life and I have to get rid of the guilt for everything else. And there was no way of me trying when I was younger because I just met my one and only DH at this stage of life. Basically, I can try to be the best healthiest me I can be and that will help tremendously but only IVF is probably going to make this happen if its going to happen. Time to get rid of the Blame Game!

Third One's A Charm

"Third One's A Charm", is what the nurse said to me today. Sayings like that I think should be banned from fertility clinics. We, Infertiles already hear enough cliche sayings day in and day out. Third and final IUI finally done. Used the in the bra technique to take the specimen jar to the clinic, thanks Betty Rubble : ) So, that part went pretty smoothly though DH's sample had like way less count than usual. Have to say that must be due to transport.

Though something always has to happen to make me think, great it didn't work. So, at this clinic an intern doctor usually does your first IUI, then a nurse will do the others. But on my second IUI the nurse had a heck of a time trying to insert the catheter so my doctor had to do it. This time another nurse was going to do it when I told her my concern, she told me she is the one who does the IUI training with most of the interns. I was OK with that at first, but then she sensed my hesitation and said she would get the intern doctor to do it.

After waiting 20 minutes for this doctor who looked young enough to be my teenage niece she inserted it pretty quick. But of course, my mind is reeling like she didn't know what she was doing since it took my real doctor a few more minutes last time. Then through the thin walls of the clinic I heard the intern doctor asking that nurse about (how) doing the insertions!!!! I should have just let that nurse do it. Oh well, I'm not going to dwell but really why can't I just leave one of these feeling --Yes, they did their part correctly now let nature take its course.

Hurry Up and Wait

Since I only got one ovary going for the gold this month, my follicles got growing alot faster than usual. On Friday, CD8 my dominant follicle was already at 17 cm and I was told to take Ovidrel on Saturday night. First I thought wow my lucky day I only had to go through one pen of Gonal-F. Wrong, they wanted me to do another shot on Friday night which means I had to get another $300 pen for just one shot. I won't be using the pen again cause this is my last IUI, then I'm on the wait list for IVF. Oh well, just when you thought you saved $300 bucks. Bright side is this IUI will done way faster than usual and if it doesn't work I have plenty of time to get in the other tests they want done before IVF consult on March 3rd.
More tests, oh joy! I guess I have to do a SIS (also known as a hysterosonography) and more blood work. DH is suppose to do another SA but I don't understand why because don't they pretty much do a SA every time we do IUI? Have to ask about that.
Tomorrow morning 8:30 is my IUI, DH wants to do his donation at home this time. Which stresses me a bit since I have to drive at rush hour with a specimen jar between my legs (and its going to be way cold tomorrow too). What do you do? I'm trying not to drive him crazy with all this stuff so I have to give him some leeway on some things. Wish me luck -- been sending my request to the universe to make this happen this time!

On Second Thought

Ok, so I got out of the depressed fog I was in for Christmas and New Years and I am back to being the optimistic but realistic me. I know I said I was dead set against doing another IUI, but after my emotions subsided and I did some research (yes, more research -- like I haven't been reading about this stuff non-stop for two years), I decided going for the third IUI was worthwhile.

Last Friday was CD1 and on my B U/S I actually got to see my OWN doctor. This doesn't happen very often at this clinic, you get to see who ever is around. In December I kept getting that b#?tch lady who kept calling my developing follicles "the litter". I finally got to see Dr. M, who I really love. I ended up having a cyst in my right ovary - most probably follicular. Dr. M said it was my choice if I still wanted to do the IUI, because I'd mostly be getting action only out of my left ovary. I said this is my last one anyway, so lets go for it. I already have an appointment in March with Dr. M to discuss IVF, I told him that and he offered to send me the IVF info ahead of time. That really eased my worrying because the time/waiting factor is always my biggest stressor.

The IVF package stated that my chances are low for success, not a big surprise with my age but I'm willing to try anyways. The sticker shock wasn't that bad $5100 for IVF plus drugs (expensive yes, but close to what I thought). And of course I read the other words I dread "Waiting List", and panic set in. See waiting list at this clinic feels like a lifetime...which I do not have to spare. I emailed him back and asked to be put on the waitlist before my March appointment...call back said YES! So, that made me so happy and not having to worry about getting on the waitlist, blah, blah ,blah. I don't exactly know how long the wait is yet, I will ask tomorrow at my ultrasound.

I've also started listening to meditation/relaxation hypnosis every day. I give myself 20 minutes to listen to the APP I've downloaded on my ipod and just be totally relaxed. It is really helping me to have a more positive attitude, I recommend the ones by Andrew Johnson (nice soothing Scottish voice). I also love the Infertility podcasts I've downloaded to my ipod, although some of them had started a couple of years ago it seems they started out struggling with IF and have become pregnant over the course of their podcasting. Just like alot of the blogs I follow, many are soon expecting their first babies. I have to look at that as a good sign that it can happen!

Blog summary: feeling optimistic again, getting the next steps organized, affirming to myself daily "it will happen"

Getting Back to Me

And I don't mean I only like to talk about me....but this blog is only about me, so who am I kidding. What I really mean is I'm starting to feel good again and that comes with making decisions. Decision to not do IUI this month, decision to get back to things that make me feel good. I went out and bought a meditation pillow for the spare room (you all know of the one I speak, the room that is empty and waiting for its oh so tiny occupant). I've decided to make this into my 'Serenity Room'. And don't think I'm all fancy schmancy with my so-called meditation pillow. I was looking for a large enough pillow so I could sit on it and lean my back to the wall, so I can practice meditation. The only pillow I found large enough for this, was a dog bed. Luckily I was able to find one with a nice pattern on it and no paw prints. I downloaded some relaxation and meditation Aps to my ipod and off we go. The goal is to do some meditation/relaxation every day. Clear my mind of the constant chatter of Infertility Woes. I've tried meditation before and have found it a bit challenging, hoping my room will inspire me. I plan to get a nice comfy chair in there soon, so I can read in there as well. Would like to get some nice prints on the walls too. So in the words of George Constanza, Serenity Now.

Deciding to take a break --Then move to the big leagues

I'm really in decision mode right now, my head is always spinning. Not that my head has stopped spinning in the last 3 years. I'm just not convinced that another IUI is worth putting my body, spirit, mind and money into. I cannot see my RE until March 3 to discuss changing treatment (to remind you, that in Canada that's how it works--long waits to see your RE), so ridiculous. Anyhoo, I could do another IUI this month and then see him to decide to move on to IVF. But I just don't see the point, I've been reading so much about how IUI really isn't worth it for women my age. So, why not take a few months off and prepare my body for the invasive-ness of IVF.

Then comes the decision of when to 'call it a day', and move on. I'm talking child-free living here, people. Two and a half years ago, that was not even a thought in my mind that there would be no little one in our house. Of course, the adoption alternative comes to mind but I don't really think that is going to be an option for us. Adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing but you have to have a calling for it. It's a road that I might see myself going down, but I know DH does not. It will be the hardest adjustment and loss to accept a new child-free life, I hope I can make it through and still be me.