Monday, May 31, 2010
Getting really excited over this whole prospect and feeling really good and positive. DH is doing well at work and was able to give himself a bonus (self-employed). So, expenses are going well and I'm not too worried about the dent this IVF is creating in our finances. Just trying hard not to do too much. I got all my major gardening done, which is good. Went for another massage today and it only hurt 30% of the time (deep tissue). Will try to just be chill and relax for the next couple weeks....if possible.
Friday, May 28, 2010
I just sent out a Facebook message to close friends and family letting them know the IVF is happening in the next two weeks. I was debating whether I should do this or not, but then thought they all know its coming up anyway. Its hard to know how private I should be anymore. I basically just asked them all to put us in their prayers or intentions to the universe (however they speak to the higher being). I believe in the power of others thinking/praying/hoping for you, so I know it will help. So, I also will ask it of you my dear IF sisters who happen to read this. Keep me in your prayers, and be rest assured you are always in mine.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Bombshell dropped. As I was entering into my third hour at the women's chat table, the guy who was hosting the get-together comes in the house (all the men were outside) and announces that the reason the last couple just left was because the women is pregnant (was feeling sick). I was surprised the women's table was so quiet. Weird. Isn't this what they look most forward to - a pregnancy announcement?? Were they being quiet on my account, I doubt it. I said it was great, and I meant that. The woman who is pregnant is a really nice person, who I don't know well but hope to.
Honestly though some dread did go through my heart when I heard the announcement. The 'everyone but me' feeling. It can really take a toll on you, but I kept it together and I am proud of myself. I don't want to tarnish anyone else's happiness. They aren't trying to make me feel bad, I know this. And its their baby, not one they are taking away from me. I want mine. I wish I could lay low from all social engagements while all this IVF is going on, but that is difficult. Next hurdle is my niece's birthday party next weekend, where my sister-n-law's relatives who have no couth about asking me if I'm pregnant will be there. Sorry, but for the sake of self-preservation I will be doing some major hiding out at that party.
Timeline update: four days until first ultrasound and bloodwork to determine if I'm supressed
Friday, May 21, 2010
I am forgiving myself for feeling so insecure and having such disappointment in myself, when really what else could I have really done. I am trying to conceive in my late thirties and before I was educated about all this IF stuff I really gave myself a hard time. Chastising myself for:
- every little slip I would make in my strict fertility enhancing eating regime
- blaming myself for possible blocked tubes (which of course didn't turn out to be the case)
- making myself feel like an outsider if I was the only one in the room with no children
I am finally now nurturing myself as I would nurture my child. I am releasing all these fears I've had for the past two years and facing what ever comes ahead. And I don't know what will come, but I can only live for now and I can only love me how I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart, caring woman and I am a great mother to me. And I want to be a great mother to you.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Its funny how they say the IVF cycle takes 6 weeks cause the first three on the BCP doesn't really feel part of it. I've never had problems on BCP and actually use to love being on it. BCP made life so much easier - no cramps, clock-work periods, nice skin. But the date is approaching (the 26th) where they will check if I'm really suppressed. Hope BCP is keeping the ole ovaries in line.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mother's Day was OK for me, I think past couple ones I've been pretty sad. I do always get something from my step-daughter and that always makes me feel special --so I don't feel totally excluded from the day. Thank goodness for Vanessa! And I can always hug and kiss my furry child to death if I want to, and a multitude of kisses do come back to me, even if they are slobbery.