Vegas & An Early Arrival

So, I just got back from Las Vegas. I haven't gone in like 6 years and my last trip was horrendous. I went with this totally psycho co-worker, who I don't speak with anymore. So, I was due for a good trip to Vegas. But boy I just don't have the stamina I use to. It was go-go-go for four days straight. It was alot of fun, I haven't gone with a larger group before (4 couples).
So, the only bad part is having to conform to what everyone wants to do. I am pretty laid back, but sometimes I just need to take a breather and don't want to be with everyone 24/7, so that was a bit of a challenge. I did well on the gambling front and won about $500 playing the slot machines. My strategy was to pick the cutest one, and that worked for me. The majority of my wins was on the 'Wizard of Oz' themed machine. I almost peed my pants when Gilda the Good Witch told me I won a progressive jackpot, see the highest jackpot they were showing was $977,000 but I only won the lowest progressive which was $250. It was nice to get out and forget the worries of TTC. I did fret a bit about drinking alcohol, but I can't just be so pre-occupied with that or I'll never have fun. I mean I hardly ever drink regularly, like maybe a couple drinks a month. So I let loose, and had alot of fun especially when we went to the Dueling Pianos show, that was a blast.

So, as per course as everyone who is TTC, many people around are having babies. So, my sister n law gave birth to my newest niece last night. Her name is Harley Brynn and she is wonderful and precious, and she came three weeks early. Her older sister Hailey is very happy and proud, and I am extremely excited for them. Of course I'm jealous, but I don't feel anything but happiness to have this beautiful little girl in my life. I love being an Auntie. And one of my best friends is due anytime now as well, another girl. So, its lovely little girls all around, maybe a little girl will be coming my way soon too.

Job Interviews, Oh The Fun

I have been lucky enough to have the last five months off from working. I had decided to leave my last job because I just didn't feel comfortable there anymore. And mainly all my friends who I had started out there working with, a tight knit group of four had all moved on (two had left to have babies). And there I was still baby-less with annoying co-workers who had known me for three years and were asking those dreaded 'why aren't you pregnant?' jabs. I mean I also left because I didn't find my job challenging anymore, it just wasn't because of insensitive battle axes. So, thanks from support (emotional & financial) of my wonderful hubby I got my first real summer vacation in like 23 years. Considering I've been going to school or had a job since I was 14. I have spent my time trying to relax (when not constantly thinking about TTC), painting our newly finished basement, sewing projects, spending time with people, but curiously not learning how to cook.

But now its time to hit the pavement again because I'm a little bored and my husband keeps giving me that look. It's so unfair, but I know life is unfair. I love being at home, but the only legitimate way I can swing being at home 24/7 is to have a baby, and we all know that hasn't happened yet. I know, I know I could start my own home based business but I really don't know what I would want to do. I am waiting for the million dollar idea to hit. So, until then I have to go out into that rough n' tumble world of job seeking. It really is one of my most dreaded tasks in life, but I put myself here so I can't complain. I had my first job interview yesterday. I think it went OK, but I can't believe I stumbled on the question "How would your friend's describe you?". I guess I don't know exactly what my friends would say about me. I know it wouldn't be anything bad, but exactly what adjectives they would use I'm not sure, I'm going to have to ask some of them. My answer to the question was loyal, dependable, funny, open-minded. And then I said something stupid like "I don't know what to say, I don't want to sound conceited." And then the interviewers said, well this is your time to sell yourself to us. And then I knew I had blown it. I tried to be as relaxed as I could and let my true self shine through, but I find I'm always holding back a bit. I'm just not super forthright with complete strangers, I've always been that way.

Well, it was a good practice run anyway. Who knows I may get a call back, but I don't think its a job I really want anyways. It sounds pretty high stress. They kept asking me if I was prepared to run around like crazy, how would I deal with all the type A personalities that work there and how do I deal with stress. So, when they are asking you questions like that its going to be a stressful place to work. I want to keep my stress levels to a minimum, in case baby dust falls my way. I have tried to do a visualization to help me through interviews, which is to pretend I'm a movie star being interviewed about their latest movie. When you see the stars being interviewed they are the ones in control (mostly) and the interviewers are trying to make themselves be liked by the stars and not vice versa. So, next interview I hope to be thinking to myself, "I hope I get asked some interesting questions, and not just how it is to kiss Brad Pitt, how many times have I heard that before".

The Week My Husband Likes The Most

I am not usually inclined to talk about the intimate details of my relationship, but when you are 'trying' for a baby that is all that is on your mind. More in a scheduling and practical way than in a lustful or romantic one. But overall I think it is good for our relationship to be so focused on our physical intimacy for a whole week. I mean there are no excuses like I don't feel like it or I am too tired, this is a priority and it has to get done. And really that's how it should be but we all get so into routines or get preoccupied with other things that are far less important than the closeness you really only share with one person (if you are in a committed relationship of course). Marriage experts insist that your physical relationship should be one of your top priorities and definitely will keep you together longer if it is healthy and thriving. I think it is a gift that in the process of trying to create this new person for our family, we have this week where its a priority for us to be together. It's just a matter of putting yourself in a good headspace as well, not focus on the outcome you are trying to achieve from this but be in the moment with you and your partner.

So, my house just seems emptier and emptier these days. I love that Gary, Vanessa and I are a family but since Vanessa (stepdaughter) doesn't live with us its just the two of us. I feel that I will just have the fun aunt role in her life, since we don't live together I can't really see it developing into something parental. Which is fine, she is already 14 and I'm sure the last thing a 14 year old wants is another parent. So, I am the role I am very familiar with which is the fun Auntie, I have loved being an Auntie to my two nieces and one nephew. I am so ready to be someone's mommy though. Wow, I finally said it I am not one for such proclamations. I know I've been trying for a child for a year but I try to just keep a laid back attitude about it. You know the one I project to everyone, being too honest would allow for way too much vulnerability to be shown on a daily basis. I have to keep the attitude of 'if it happens it happens', and if not no big deal I'll deal with it.

So, this is my week of optimum hope. That magical baby dust has sprinkled down on me. Every month has one of these weeks, and I'm trying to see them as a week of hopefullness and not one of distress or anxiety. I am promising myself that this month I will focus on this week and not so much on the weeks after. Those are the worst. I had been taking my temperature daily for the whole month (for the past few months), so that I could tell if I was pregnant. But this time I will do the temp thing for the week of ovulation then I will stop because I have to have some form of self preservation here. Then I will just see if my period comes or not and go from there. I think that is the smart thing to do in order to stop the stressing and obsessing. Its so hard when you have thoroughly educated yourself on all this fertility stuff, to stop yourself from doing these things.

And what am I really saying to myself is "Ya, good luck with that".

A Few Good Eggs

Well, just one good egg would do it. The path of infertility is somewhere no one thinks they will have to go, I know I didn't. Yes, I am in my late thirties as of three days ago and only got married last year so really babymaking was not particularly on my mind until now. I was not going to think of having children until I found my soul mate to conquer this endeavor with. I have found that person, who is already a wonderful father (to his daughter), but we are not parents together yet. I think it would be such a wonderfully fullfilling journey to have a child with him and all my hopes are with this now.

Going through infertility, has many up and downs and surprises galore. What is really a surprise is how much I didn't know about my own body until I realized it wasn't doing what I expected of it. I had no doubt that I would be pregnant within a year, but I am not. So, here we go in full swing into the arms of the 'specialists', whether it be western or eastern medicine. I have already been poked and probed (no pun) and so far we have figured out that nothing per say is wrong, but no plan of action has been devised. I'm really in the beginning stages of treatment, but in the mid stages of being frustrated and disappointed. My 'monthly visitor' has never been a welcome sight for me due to the pain she always brings, but now she brings the emotional pain with the physical.

You can never really know how loud a biological clock can tick until you have to hear your own.
TICK TOCK TICK TOCK, damn that's loud.