Racing Towards 2nd Trimester

Wow, I haven't been on here for a month. But really who needs to hear me go on and on about vomiting and nausea. I've almost reached my 2nd trimester (next week) and I'm starting to feel a bit better. I still like to sleep alot and I still vomit occasionally but it is getting better. We got to see baby on the ultrasound screen again a couple weeks ago. His tiny little feet and hands were so adorable. We are going for the Nuchal test on Thursday. That is going to be very nerve racking but I have positive thoughts about the outcome.
I have pretty much told everyone that I'm pregnant now except people at school. I have had about 10 days off from school now but don't really felt like I've relaxed. I have three shifts this week at work and wish I could just stay home. I like my job but I'm so into vegging at home right now. DH and I have a short Vegas trip planned later this week, and I hope it will be relaxing. I will probably just want to stay in the hotel room and sleep but he knows this. So very thankful that all this is happening and just keep praying that baby is well and healthy.

ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum

Music to my ears, hearing my baby's heartbeat again today. These last two weeks have been hard to handle with all the nausea and vomiting but I'm thankful I have these symptoms as well. So, today was the last time I will have to go to the fertility clinic....I hope! I have now been referred to a OB/GYN and hoping I never have to go back to that place. I do really like my doctor there but the goal was for them to get me pregnant and they have finally done their job. My doctor was very sweet today because he said he is owed the first snuggle from our baby. He was also saying how good looking our baby was, ha ha...good looking little raspberry. Each week with my ipod apps they tell me how big the baby is and it seems they always compare it to a fruit (we are at raspberry right now). During the ultrasound there were two sacs (which we did see before) but one is like 5 times bigger than the other. My doctor says there probably isn't anything in the second sac, but he also said I'll have more ultrasounds to be sure. I was like what??? how can you not know by now if that is a baby. Realisitically I don't really see how it could be because it was so small and he didn't even check it for a heartbeat. I joked with him that this better not be a TWINS (the movie) situation, where one is Arnold Schwarzenegger and one is Danny Devito!

I also got a prescription for my morning sickness so I hope I can feel somewhat normal soon. I need to feel better to make it through my final exams in the next two weeks. We have told alot of people that we are expecting but I think I'm going to wait a few more weeks to declare it to the world, maybe over Christmas when I'm close to the 2nd trimester.

All Day Sickness

Well the nausea and vomiting have come to town. I feel pretty rotten but that's OK it means baby is a growing and growing. I had some more bleeding last Wednesday, bright red variety and it really freaked me out! I left school immediately and called the clinic in hysterics. They let me come in and my doctor did an ultrasound, it was so scary but I tried to calm myself and think positively before the doctor came in. Well, the ultrasound showed no sign of where the bleeding was coming from but it did show one tiny and I mean tiny little baby!!! Woo hoo! And we got to hear his heartbeat. It was so cool because the doctor said the heart probably only started beating a couple of days before that. So, I was reassured for awhile but who ever stops worrying through the first trimester, really?

The last few days is when my morning sickness really kicked in. I have only vomited twice and both times in the morning when nothing much was available to come out, thank God. I went to work yesterday with some of those anti-nausea wrist bands you get at the pharmacy. They helped a lot, maybe too much so. I did my regular routine at work, still trying to take it easy cause my doctor told me to. So, when I got home more bleeding and a lot more than the last time. Tried not to freak out because the doctor said it is common for IVF patients due to the medications we are on. But decided then and there to take the week off of work, at least till my next ultrasound which is November 23rd. I don't want to get run down, and work seemed really supportive when I told them the news last week (plus its just a part-time job of 12 hours/week).

Can't wait to see my little nugget again in 10 days...yes doing the countdown. Would it be great if you could get a weekly ultrasound just to feel reassured about things?

Reassured??

Did another HCG yesterday and got results today. Good news is it was over 16,000. Bad news is I'm still worried. I just felt like right after the bleeding/discharge incident my pregnancy symptoms totally dissipated. I have read a bit since and it seems pregnancy symptoms can come and go but that is not reassuring to me. I don't think I will totally feel at ease until I see that beating little heart on the ultrasound, which is now two whole weeks away.

The past two days for me have been utter torture, much crying as I was convinced everything was over. All the prayers and support of all who care about me must have done the hoping for me. I'm glad my 'prayer circle' is what I call them (its not a formal prayer circle) is really looking out for me. Believe me I need it.

Not Good

Its gone from worry to super worry. Last tonight and today I had dripping blood coming out. Dark red blood but enough to make me really worry. I'm not feeling so pregnant anymore either. I feel like my symptoms have gone away -- less hunger, less tender boobs, less tired. These are not good signs. I called the clinic again today and talked to the nurse. She didn't sound too optimistic when I said it was red blood, so I'm going to do my HCG/Progesterone tomorrow.

I know bleeding is not uncommon in the first trimester but its really hard to remain optimistic when you see it. I'm thinking wow I got to be happy for about 10 days, I was pregnant finally! I don't feel super sad as of yet, I still have hope. Feeling a bit numb actually, "Is this really happening?"

Worry Wart

Getting pregnant was so hard, I hope staying pregnant without going insane is not. I had my third HCG test on Tuesday and my level had gone from 313 to 1834. So, I was flying high for the last few days. We have gotten a little to loose lipped with telling people, but its hard not to when most of them know we are going through fertility treatments. Hope that is not a mistake.

Worrying about everything has set in. Especially since yesterday as I am having some spotting and discharge. So far it is mostly either watery pink or brown. I have been scanning the forums and many women on there have experienced this through first trimester and everything was OK. Some articles said it is old blood from implanting or your missed period. I HOPE SO. I am very nervous. I left a message at the clinic this morning, so I hope they call me back and tell me the same thing.

My symptoms for the past week have been some cramping feelings but not severe, extreme hunger and tiredness. No nausea or vomiting yet thank goodness. How does anyone get through the first trimester? I think I may go crazy. Still doing my relaxation sessions to calm my nerves and enjoying looking at my pregnancy aps daily seeing how baby is changing and growing. It is so amazing how fast they grow in the first 10 weeks.

I hope and pray my baby will be OK. Please send your good thoughts my way.

2nd Hurdle

HCG on Friday was 313, which the nurse described as super! Joe Embryo is making Mama proud so far.....Grow Joe! Actually this is kinda a joke in our house now because my husband mentioned that his pick for a boy's name would be Joe, and I was like no way! I'm sorry but Joe is just too generic for me. I told him I get total vito on that cause I've been the one probed, stabbed and jabbed for three years. He wouldn't let up until his daugther laughed at the name yesterday.

I have to do another HCG test on Tuesday before they will schedule the first ultrasound. So, flipping excited right now. Of course, diving into everything baby. Downloaded like 8 pregnancy apps to my ipod. Got out my pregnancy books which I bought three years ago. Got to write in the pregnancy journal I bought three years ago. Please keep growing Joe, Mama is so happy you are here. Thanks to all you for your congratulations, your support means so much to me.

BFP!

I know I have been MIA for quite a while. Just needed some space to not think about IF so much. The past 6 weeks has been preparation for my FET, which was done on October 17th. The 2WW was rocky as most are, but mid way through I really had my doubts. I really expected that I would be 'feeling' more. Luckily, with encouragement from a pregnant woman of all people and checking online, a lot of women do no have any signs. So, my beta testing day approached and I had some spotting, and I can't tell how many times in the past I believed it was implantation bleeding when it wasn't. I was somewhat devastated and decided to wait one day to go for my beta test in case it was AF. The next day there was no sign of AF which was unusual, cause if she is going to come, she comes.

So I went for my test yesterday late afternoon. They ran it STAT and someone called me from the clinic like 90 minutes later. Before I got the call I went for a walk with Ruby and said to myself over and over again what the conversation from the clinic was going to be like. "Andrea, Congratulations!" I got home the call came and that was the conversation I had. I was of course an emotional wreck with happy tears/sobs galore. She didn't tell me what my HCG was, but it was positive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BFP my first one ever! I can't tell you how happy and relieved I am. But the true test is still to come. Tomorrow is my second HCG test, and I am hoping, praying for a doubling.

This is an unbelievable feeling, and I wish it for all my IF sisters out there. Three years of nothing and now finally some joy! Please prayer for me that my baby continues to grow and be strong.

Slacker

Such a slacker with the blogging lately. I started my nasal spray (suppression phase) yesterday. Have to really focus on remembering to nasal pump four times daily. Yesterday, I was so busy with going to a funeral, meeting a friend for coffee, then finishing painting a room at my in-laws. I still remembered to take all my doses miraculously. Everyone keeps telling me "I feel it, this is the one", God do I want to believe that. Its definitely going to be the least stressful one. I am going with flow as much as I can and just seeing what God is going to give me.

I basically have a resistant uterus (and I now accept that) and live in a country where you can't shop around for another fertility clinic. Well, you can but you basically have to go to another city and forfeit any type of a life. I'm feeling like the last three years have been a waste for so many reasons, I'm just not willing to do that. I have two more tries and if I'm meant to be a mother this is when it will happen. Otherwise, I will get to sleep in for the rest of my life, not change any diapers, take as many vacations as I want and not have to worry about babysitting arrangements, always have a fairly clean, organized house and be a overall happy person (I say this in reference to the study done recently that said people with kids are less happy than people without). Either life path would be perfect, just have to wait and see how the 'guy upstairs' rolls the dice. Since I'm through putting the burden of fault on myself....no more of that. Guilt should have no place in IF.

On the Merry-Go-Round

We are on the fertility merry-go-round again. This month we will be starting the FET protocol. So, this time is a bit different. Major difference no needles - hooray. Not that the needles really bothered me but nice not to have to worry about doing that everyday. This time I get to enjoy the lovely Suprefact nasal spray, four times a day. Now that is going to be a bit annoying to try to remember to do that four times a day.

AF showed up with a shout instead of a whisper. What I mean is no 3-4 days of spotting first, she just came. I am taking this as a good sign, lets get the show on the road. I won't be starting the nasal spray until September 17th, so I can settle into my school routine before this new craziness starts. This better be the one - I am 39 in less than 3 months!

Doing well in the running club so far, better than I expected. Pity I will probably have to quit my training once the FET comes. But I am still glad I started it.

Look around. Life is here, you just might miss it.

Nothing in the world of fertility to really update on. I've been totally enjoying life....meaning indulging in whatever I want like alcohol and chocolate. I had a session with my acupuncturist a couple weeks ago where she determined that I have sensitivity to my husband's sperm (what's next????) and she did a treatment for it. Guess it would have helped to determine that a while ago, but really I can't start thinking every little thing I didn't know is really preventing a pregnancy from happening.

I joined a running club because I'm tired of delaying things in my life. Exercise is good and I don't want to delay it because I think it will be a deterrent to pregnancy. I want to live my life! I want to make more exciting life goals for myself that have nothing to do with getting pregnant. I am proud that I have done quite a few things this summer to help that along. New hobbies, new groups and hopefully new friends. Now to just figure out how to address the children issue with new friends without sounding depressed, snotty or angered?

Next Month

I've been doing OK. We were not able to do the FET this month as the clinic is closed for two weeks. Our RE who obviously has no clue how the administrative side of his office works told us we could still do the FET in August, but when I called on CD1 the voicemail message said the opposite. I really wanted a break anyway, and my acupuncturist also is taking August off so it works out better this way.

I'm still waiting for the hope to come back, and I'm so off my fertility regime I don't know when I will be back to fighting style. I have been having sugar and caffeine like crazy and enjoying it like crazy. It is so hard to decide whether the restrictions I've been doing are really doing any good anyways....no positive results yet.

My DH is so great, I love him so much. His business partner has a 8 month old and they are always looking for babysitters. They always ask DH if I can sit for them (for business meetings, his wife has to go as well) and he always makes an excuse for me cause he knows I'm not up for it. They just assume since I don't have a baby and want one so bad, I want to take care of their kid all the time. Uh....no! And worse yet, they are always complaining about their child and how they don't have time for anything anymore. They drive me crazy, especially his wife. DH and his partner have acquired some new businesses and are going to make some good money. Therefore partner's wife won't have to work, but does she appreciate this....no. And they are always talking about having their 2nd baby, in front of me. I hate people who take their fertility for granted and have no sensitivity to someone they consider a friend!!!

I've been trying to get out to do more things, meet different people. Ruby and I are going to a small dog playgroup once a week. A place where I can meet other people with furry children. Also, I think I'm going to join a running group (learn to run) this week. I have never jogged in my life, but have always wanted to. Still trying to keep the FET out of my mind as much as possible and not obsess. My solution is many activities and hopefully finding many new passions.

Back from Vegas...again

Yes, this is the second time I've been to Las Vegas this year. Its just such a cheap and easy vacation to take, until you get there of course. I did a bit of damage in the shopping department on purpose. I didn't want to think, oh maybe I shouldn't buy this at this size cause I might be pregnant soon (this thinking which has dominated my shopping habits for three years). I am so sick of postponing everything....in life. We had a really good time, but it was damn hot. I could only stay at the pool from 9 am to noon because after that I would just fry. My husband and stepdaughter are lucky with their beautiful cocoa skin they don't have to worry about sunburns. I had to lather myself constantly, and I am excited to report I DID NOT get a sunburn which is rare for me.

AF started her slow decent in Vegas and while the warning signs are there she still hasn't arrived yet. This spotting stuff is getting worse, possibly indicating my journey to menopause or something, who knows? I am suppose to call the clinic on CD1 to set into motion our FET. I don't know if I should wait for next month, I don't feel like I'm in a positive state of mind yet. But going to clinic appointments would be so much easier this month than next month when I'm back in school.

All I can say is that my husband is a saint. My acupuncturist in her crazy ways wants to test my husband's sperm. Besides acupuncture she also does this specialized acupressure treatment for allergies. I did many sessions of this treatment with her a couple years ago for all my food allergies, and it helped me greatly. She now wants to test my husband's sperm just to make sure my body is not rejecting it. This would be interesting after three years to find I am allergic to his sperm. I know my acupuncturist really cares about me and wants nothing more than to get me preggo....but I'm just starting to feel like this is a money trap.

I met up with my best friend last night and an acquaintance of hers who is going through IF. She has no one to talk to about IF, and my friend thought it would good if we met. We discussed our stories and she is at the same clinic as me (well the only one where we live), and she has done three IUI's with clomid. She is still at the "positive about everything" stage, while I feel I've progressed to the "realistic but hopeful" stage. She of course has had emotional ups and downs like all of us going through IF, but her positivity was admirable. Should I still be at that stage? How can you be after 3 years and 3 failed IUI's and one failed IVF? I wish I could get my positive attitude back, but I need to be realistic because I don't want to be punched in the gut by despair if it doesn't go my way. Help!!!! I need the Positivity Police and I need them now!

My First Quilt

When you don't have kids....yet, you have hobbies. This has been an intense two weeks of quilting. I took 6 quilting classes in two weeks, and had to do a couple of blocks (for homework) each night. This is definitely one way to get my mind off IF and keep me super busy. I know its just my first quilt but I love it! And I'm only going to get better from here. This is my new expensive hobby to rival with DH's expensive golfing habit. Now I know why quilts at Farmer's Markets are so darn expensive. The cost of my fabric was about $150, but well worth it. The fabrics are mostly batiks and I love the way they look. And I just bought three quilting books online from Amazon and have about ten others reserved at the library. I have always loved sewing but haven't had anything to sew for awhile...once all the drapes and pillows were done for the house. And there are so many quilting courses to take, how fun.

I'm still in some state of grief from the IVF failure. One of the stages, not denial but maybe some guilt and some depression. I haven't gotten back to that renewed hopeful stage yet which I can usually get to. I know the diagnosis should have helped me feel hopeful again, but I'm too worn out. As I said to one of my friends regarding my implantation issue....they don't want to stay at my hotel. The embryos are looking for an upgrade and that's just a bit insulting. C'mon little embryos I'd love nothing more than to be your home for the next 40 weeks.

Finally...A Diagnosis

Well, we got to see our RE for the follow-up. I really like our RE but he is such a busy guy he really doesn't remember who you are. He does so much at the clinic and hospital that he doesn't remember individual patients. He had to read through the chart again to figure out that we were there because IVF failed two weeks ago. And I was a bit frustrated because we had to wait an hour to see him. Anyways, he reviewed our information and determined that we have an implantation issue. FINALLY!!!! after three years I know what's wrong with me.

Since we have no other issues in any realm of fertility, implantation was by process of elimination our problem. I was still a bit pessimistic at this point because I thought he was going to say to just try the FET and see what happens. He actually suggested a treatment we could use during the FET to improve our chances. Now we are talking! An endometrial biopsy will be done five days before transfer to stimulate the lining and give a better chance at implantation. He used the number 80% success with this procedure, but I don't want to get too excited. At least there is a next course of action... something new to try for our next two FETs. He then said if that wasn't successful we would be looking at doing another IVF with a surrogate as our best chance. That would definitely not be happening, I don't see us going down the surrogate road.

Surrogacy would definitely put us in the poor house and I want to carry my own baby. Our plan would be to try the two FETs, then move on to a life with just the two of us from there. I think we will be going for the next one in August. Even though the clinic is closed for two weeks starting the 24th, our RE said someone would still be around taking calls and we could call when my cycle starts and get started on meds for the FET. So, that was good news as well. No use delaying this any longer. I want to enjoy the summer, but going to the numerous appointments is so much easier when there's no school/work involved to maneuver around.

Have to get busy sewing three more blocks of my quilt today, I have finished three others so far. Really enjoying the process of sewing a quilt....its a great way to focus my mind on something else.

I'm OK, are you OK?

Its been a week since the BFN, and I'm doing OK. Really I am. I cried off and on for a few days but after three years of this I feel cried out. The worst part about the BFN was having to tell all the people I asked to pray for me. Especially my step-daugther, she was crying and I felt so bad. I didn't want to make her cry. I told her not to worry about me, and that's what really snapped me out of my sadness. We have an appointment with our RE on Thursday to discuss the aftermath. He probably won't be able to tell us much I suspect, but I want to ask him some questions about FET.

I decided I am still going to have a fun summer and not mope over this for two months...what's the point in that? We had a foster dog over the weekend. We named her Daisy. She was a 3 month old Lab Cross, and a big handful. We only kept her for the weekend because she was slated to go to another foster home. She and Ruby didn't get along too well. While both love to play, Daisy was too aggressive with her play and Ruby was constantly yelping and snarling at her, poor Ruby. Was really hoping I could get her a playmate for the summer, oh well.

I started a two-week quilting course today. I go Mon, Wed, Fri for two weeks in the mornings. I'm excited to make my first ever quilt. I picked out fabrics today that are aqua, purple and dark lime green. The fabrics are all batiks and the patterns remind me of the ocean. Obviously, my ultimate goal would be to make a baby quilt someday.....God willing.

Game Over

Wish I could say I had a happy ending, but no such luck. BFN today. Although I pretty much knew a couple of days ago with some spotting. My weekend away turned very sad, very quick. Luckily I had Lilith Fair to distract me a bit. I have my sad moments of course, but feeling mostly numb. We do have five frozen embryos which gives us hope. Probably won't be able to do FET until September as the clinic is closed for two weeks in July-August.

Its pretty sad when you are so used to disappointment that you don't feel anything as strongly anymore. Life goes on. I have a great life and don't want to linger in sadness and regret for a whole summer. Already called the rescue society for a foster dog, will go look at some on Friday. Think I will take a quilting class and running class for the rest of the summer if they are offered. Plan on going to every festival I can to take advantage of probably my last non-working summer.

Everyone survives a broken heart, too bad my heart is so scarred.

Feeling The Crazies

These drugs are killing me. I'm tired, I'm depressed and Monday can't come soon enough. My mood just dropped a couple days ago and I am hoping its pregnancy hormones. I'm bored and I'm lonely. DH went on his annual golf trip with the guys and Ruby went to my parents house so I wouldn't be tempted to pick her up. She's only ten pounds but I carry her alot and I'm trying not to do any lifting. Hence, I am very bored! Want to do more gardening but don't want to over do it. Want to visit my nieces but can't pick the baby up. Took a HPT test today just because I'm into the crazies and can't help it. It was negative.

I am scouring websites/forums for news on when people got their first +HPT post transfer and many say 6dpt is too early. Made me feel better for a little while. Also, had a vivid sex dream while I was napping yesterday. Lets just say I got that special feeling, woke up, freaked out, then had severe cramping for 10 minutes. Convinced I had just wrecked everything I scoured the forums again and I guess this is quite common with all the hormones racing through us. The cramping was pretty bad though and that probably means uterine contractions, but what could I do it happened in my sleep.

Tried to get cheered up by going to the movie 'Babies' yesterday. It was such a cute film and it did make me feel better. So, glad I'm going away this weekend to see Lilith Fair in Calgary. Though I did cancel my spa appointments that I had booked for Saturday because I wasn't sure they were safe -- have read conflicting things about massage/spas and first trimester. Monday is the day I'm going for beta and I said I would get myself a Marble-Slab Ice Cream Cone if its positive but I think I'm going to have the cone just for making it to Monday in one piece.

TIK TOK

2WW = Obsession = Hell
Time is going sooooooooooooo slowwwwly. How does one survive the 2WW from Hell??????Guess I will have to tell you after next Tuesday. I'm struggling a bit and obsessively reading internet postings on implantation and pregnancy signs. I'm sure everyone post-transfer goes through this.

I totally didn't time my reading schedule correctly because I just finished two page turners and now there is nothing. I need a great book to distract me. There are the other two books that I've been trying to finish for 6 months and can never get into. Eat, Pray, Love is one. Of course it is much hyped so I wanted to see what the fuss was about. I just cannot connect to her character because she is in the exact opposite place I'm in; not wanting to be married and not wanting kids. The other is City of Glass which is the third book in a urban fantasy series. The first two I liked but the finale is dragging on and I just want to skip to the end. I always try to finish books though, its just one of my obsessive things.

Started one of DH's books last night; a Jason Bourne continuation. Hoping the action of the book will keep my obsessive thoughts at bay. That's right I'm an ex-secret agent not a lady waiting on a blood test cause that is way cooler.

Smooth Operator

My embryo transfer went very smoothly. I had to wait an extra hour, so that was not so fun with a full bladder. We were told our embies were excellent in terms of size, grade etc. Everyone is the transfer room was so positive about it. I left there feeling so good. My RE is too funny, he was cracking so many jokes the nurse had to tell him to pipe down because she was having trouble with the ultrasound cause I was shaking so much (with laughter). We got to choose the tunes in the background because they had an ipod on a speaker system. On retrieval day I chose Michael Buble, and today I chose John Denver. John Denver music just makes me feel happy and good. My RE was laughing since he hadn't heard John Denver since childhood.

Nice to know my 2WW is only going to be nine days, so the torture won't last as long. I've got to study for my final exam which is on Tuesday, so that will keep my mind occupied for awhile. On Wednesday my friend and I are going to see the movie BABIES. So, babies will be on my mind that day. Then on Friday its off to Lilith Fair in Calgary. Beta test day is on the 28th.
'Take Me Home Country Road to the Place I Belong' - my embies theme song. They took their road to the place where they belong.

T Minus 1 to Transfer

Wow, this is my 90th post! And only one day away from embryo transfer. Am I nervous? Of course who wouldn't be. Getting set to let my baby grow. Eating the pineapple today, getting an Egg McMuffin tomorrow. Funny how we will believe anything and do anything for what we want. Can't hurt right? My acupuncturist is so awesome she is going to give me a free session right before my transfer. So, uterus will be calm and full of great blood flow.

Reading up on Day 5 embryos and I guess a lot of them may not make it to Day 5. I am preparing to hear that my 15 are now 8 or something. The strongest ones will prevail, which is the important thing. DH was asked if we would go to dinner tomorrow night at one of his friends. Sometimes, he can be such a bonehead. Does he really think I want to be socializing tomorrow? I want to be totally zen and stress free, and conversing with his friends doesn't leave me that way. First I said yes cause he was standing there with the phone in his hand, waiting to tell his friend my response. Then anger set in, and later I said NO! C'mon, I really don't need that kind of aggravation. Not that his friends are bad, but a small group (which is what there is suppose to be) will end up being a big one and I never have fun at those things. Glad I stood my ground.

Five days is a long time to wait, want my embies in my soon. They need to be with mama. Looking forward to a smooth transfer tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers.

Happy, Happy, Happy

I can truly say this is one of the happiest days I've had in the last 3 years. I found out today that we have 15 embryos. I feel very blessed, and while these babies aren't with me yet I have much appreciation for this news. You don't get much good news in between all the trying and testing of infertility, so I am so thankful just to have this day. On this day I can say I was happy!

Our embies are going to be growing for the next five days, which I believe is a very good sign. Day 5 embies greatly increases the chances of implantation to be successful. So, Saturday is the DAY! Have to get alot done in the next few days, because I'm going to be really careful for the next two weeks to not do anything strenuous. Will be hard to be such an invalid, guess I'll try to be like I was when I was a teenager --- lazy ; )

Here's hoping my retrieval buddy with the three eggs also had some good news today.

Wishing for a Baker's Dozen and got so much more!

My egg retrieval this morning went really well. The only hiccup was that they couldn't get an IV into my arm easily. It took 4 tries, and that was painful. During the procedure they told us we got 18 eggs! How amazing is that? Don't know what the grade on all those eggies are, but I hope they are healthy and smart like their mama. The lady in the next bed beside me, I overheard only got three. She didn't sound very happy and I felt bad for her. I hope three will be just enough for her.

The procedure itself wasn't that bad, I got a good amount of drugs so I didn't feel much. The IV actually hurt more. I felt a little woozy and super crampy leaving the retrieval room and started to cry a bit. I settled down after I got back in my comfy chair again and they gave me some extra strength tylenol. Very excited to get the call tomorrow to hear how many embies we have. I can't believe they are making our babies as I write this. June 14 is conception day for our babies!

The rest of the day I am going to be vegging out big time, lots of movies to watch. I feel groggy right now and my abdomen feels sore a bit. Tomorrow I start taking the progresterone, and we hear back as to when we go back for transfer. Either Thursday or Saturday will be the day. Thanks to everyone for all their good wishes I really appreciate them.

Days Gone By....Fast

Wow, can't believe this week is over and my egg retrieval is tomorrow. Yes, that's right I injected the HCG last night and report to the clinic at 8:30 am tomorrow. After feeling pretty tired at the beginning of the week, I bounced back and felt pretty great the rest of it. I guess I can credit that to my relaxation techniques, acupuncture and keeping busy. Maybe too busy! I know I was suppose to relax but I will save that till after the transfer, where DH tells me I am to do NOTHING! We are even going to send Ruby away to my parents for two weeks : ( I just am in too much of a habit of picking her up all the time and she is almost 10 lbs. Also, she has the habit of jumping on me all the time, which could be costly to my implantation. I will be so lonely without my furry child.

And today I had to hustle and finish my last assignment for the online course I'm doing. Its so beautiful outside today, and I'm stuck in the basement doing this. It is due tomorrow but I won't be in any condition to work on it then, so today was my only choice. I finished about half hour ago and I'm relieved. I have the final exam to do, the Tuesday after next. I didn't get to all the gardening I needed to do today. Hopefully, I will not be so down and out after retrieval I can finish up on Tuesday and Wednesday. It will be so hard post-transfer not to do my gardening--those are my babies too.

Still don't know how many eggs we will be transferring or what day we will be doing it. Guess we find that out tomorrow. My DH is so awesome, he had a friend's stag party to go to yesterday and came home from it early and hadn't drank too much. He didn't want it to affect his swimmers, which I don't think it would. So sweet none the less. At my final ultrasound on Saturday I had about 6-8 really big follicles and 5-7 smaller ones. My RE keep calling me a 'teenager' due to my follicle-production skills. And I actually found out they had Depleted Ovarian Reserve listed as my diagnosis. Uh hello - no one ever said that to me. Well I guess I proved them wrong, I can make a baker's dozen with the best of them.

Here's wishing for a smooth retrieval and many happy & healthy eggies.

Here Comes the Coma

Ok, finally now starting to feel the effects of the meds. Can barely keep my eyes open today. I had my 2nd ultrasound and everything seems to be progressing nicely. They still counted 10+ eggies today, but there were about 4 super big ones. My estradiol was high today so I'm starting the Cetrotide tonight. So, that will be three pokes tonight in the gut. Actually, I don't mind the needles so much, its just the scheduling them in everyday. Not that I'm super busy but I've been making lots of plans with people lately, and I always have to remind myself that the needles have to be done at that time.

I went dress shopping today with my Mom. I found two that I liked, well one that I liked and one that my Mom really wanted me to get. One is fitted, red-pink color with rouched flowers around the neckline and the other is floor length, strappy, flowy and blue/purple pattern. The flowing one was my pick, its so comfy and I can wear it anywhere. The dress is for a wedding in July, where DH is in the wedding party. I'll ask DH which one he likes, but I know it will be the pink one. Well, must be off to do my shots now. Status: Retrieval on either Friday or Saturday, I think?

First Ultrasound

Just got back from my first ultrasound in the IVF process. Looks like I have a whole bunch of eggies growing so I'm very happy about that. I lost count but I think the left side had about 5-6 and the right side 4-5. So, keep growing eggies and be happy. I have been feeling pretty good on the meds, just a bit tired. I'm glad they didn't tell me to up the dose or anything.

I'm now off to overnight babysit my two nieces (18 months and 7). Luckily, the older one is old enough to be a good helper. The baby is really good too, she hardly ever cries or gets upset. Here's hoping they will be little angels for me. My teenage niece is also coming over to help. Will be a fun night of pizza and movies. I think I'm going to make them watch 'Adventures in Babysitting' -- classic.

Poke

I started my injections today. The mixing of the two shots was no treat. I hope I become an expert at doing it by the end of the week. Seems like such a short time now, only 10 days until the retrieval. I remember when we were doing the IUI's it felt like the injections lasted forever. I know its only day 1 but I think this time it will go by fast. All depending on how I feel of course. The worst I ever felt on the Gonal-F was like a near coma. This weekend should be interesting since I have to overnight babysit my two young nieces. Thank goodness my teenage niece is going to help me out.

Getting really excited over this whole prospect and feeling really good and positive. DH is doing well at work and was able to give himself a bonus (self-employed). So, expenses are going well and I'm not too worried about the dent this IVF is creating in our finances. Just trying hard not to do too much. I got all my major gardening done, which is good. Went for another massage today and it only hurt 30% of the time (deep tissue). Will try to just be chill and relax for the next couple weeks....if possible.

Fixin to Mixin

I had my ultrasound on Wednesday and everything checked out. Whew! I am set to start my injections on Monday night. I have to do some mixing this time with the Luveris (powder and water), then mix the Gonal-F into that stuff. So a little more complicated this time. I'm already a pin cushion with my bi-weekly acupuncture treatments, so one extra poke isn't going to phase me.

I just sent out a Facebook message to close friends and family letting them know the IVF is happening in the next two weeks. I was debating whether I should do this or not, but then thought they all know its coming up anyway. Its hard to know how private I should be anymore. I basically just asked them all to put us in their prayers or intentions to the universe (however they speak to the higher being). I believe in the power of others thinking/praying/hoping for you, so I know it will help. So, I also will ask it of you my dear IF sisters who happen to read this. Keep me in your prayers, and be rest assured you are always in mine.

Survived

I survived another one of those outings with all my DH's friends wives. You know the ladies who all have children and whose conversation all evening is 95% children-related. Yes, fun for me as always, so much for me to contribute. Really it annoys me but at the same time encourages me to think about how I want to be when I'm a mother. Do I want all my conversational content to revolve around my child; is there nothing else to talk about? Hopefully not.

Bombshell dropped. As I was entering into my third hour at the women's chat table, the guy who was hosting the get-together comes in the house (all the men were outside) and announces that the reason the last couple just left was because the women is pregnant (was feeling sick). I was surprised the women's table was so quiet. Weird. Isn't this what they look most forward to - a pregnancy announcement?? Were they being quiet on my account, I doubt it. I said it was great, and I meant that. The woman who is pregnant is a really nice person, who I don't know well but hope to.

Honestly though some dread did go through my heart when I heard the announcement. The 'everyone but me' feeling. It can really take a toll on you, but I kept it together and I am proud of myself. I don't want to tarnish anyone else's happiness. They aren't trying to make me feel bad, I know this. And its their baby, not one they are taking away from me. I want mine. I wish I could lay low from all social engagements while all this IVF is going on, but that is difficult. Next hurdle is my niece's birthday party next weekend, where my sister-n-law's relatives who have no couth about asking me if I'm pregnant will be there. Sorry, but for the sake of self-preservation I will be doing some major hiding out at that party.

Timeline update: four days until first ultrasound and bloodwork to determine if I'm supressed

Forgive Yourself

I'm putting behind me the last two and a half years. All the disappointment, frustration, questioning, sadness. It was a pretty miserable time for me, when it should have been the most exciting period of my life. I had just gotten married after searching and searching (and finding!) my soul mate, and here I was obsessed with getting pregnant and NOT getting pregnant. My husband and I were still discovering each other, not having lived together before getting married. But there is nothing like a little infertility stress to add to the pot of a newly married couple; that will show you what you are really made of. We have made it through though and I love him more than ever. He is understanding and cares for me so deeply, but I know he just wants our life to 'keep going' and not be at such a standstill.

I am forgiving myself for feeling so insecure and having such disappointment in myself, when really what else could I have really done. I am trying to conceive in my late thirties and before I was educated about all this IF stuff I really gave myself a hard time. Chastising myself for:

• every little slip I would make in my strict fertility enhancing eating regime
• blaming myself for possible blocked tubes (which of course didn't turn out to be the case)
• making myself feel like an outsider if I was the only one in the room with no children

I am finally now nurturing myself as I would nurture my child. I am releasing all these fears I've had for the past two years and facing what ever comes ahead. And I don't know what will come, but I can only live for now and I can only love me how I am. I am a strong, beautiful, smart, caring woman and I am a great mother to me. And I want to be a great mother to you.

Weird??

So, I 've been on the BCP for the past ten days and my period hasn't stopped. I started taking it on the third day of my period and still it goes on. Not full blown AF, but still remnants. Usually I'm done after about 5-7 days, so I'm not sure what is going on. Is my body just adjusting to BCP and getting rid of all the excess (pardon the term) gunk I had up there? Maybe someone out there who has gone through IVF with the BCP can let me know. Of course, I'm wanting this cycle to be perfect in every way cause this is my shot. I will believe my body is just getting ready in its own way.

Its funny how they say the IVF cycle takes 6 weeks cause the first three on the BCP doesn't really feel part of it. I've never had problems on BCP and actually use to love being on it. BCP made life so much easier - no cramps, clock-work periods, nice skin. But the date is approaching (the 26th) where they will check if I'm really suppressed. Hope BCP is keeping the ole ovaries in line.

R-E-S-->B-C-P Find out what it means to me!

Back on the BCP for three weeks as I start my very first IVF cycle. Super excited and praying everything goes smoothly. Also, started on the prescribed preg-vit to get the extra folic acid and iron. I've been keeping my stress levels low and will continue my audio relaxation sessions and visualization. And trying really hard to keep the caffeine and alcohol content at zero. Stepping up my acupuncture treatments to twice a week starting May 25th. This is alot of effort and I want it to pay off!

Mother's Day was OK for me, I think past couple ones I've been pretty sad. I do always get something from my step-daughter and that always makes me feel special --so I don't feel totally excluded from the day. Thank goodness for Vanessa! And I can always hug and kiss my furry child to death if I want to, and a multitude of kisses do come back to me, even if they are slobbery.

At the Starting Gate

Yipee! Hooray! Today, my IVF cycle was confirmed to start. I'm so relieved. I didn't want to wait another cycle, so I am feeling pretty great right now. I have to cherish this feeling because soon I will be back to the anxiety-riddled stim phase and everything else that comes with IVF. The nurse told me my first U/S would be May 26th and my retrieval would be June 11th. This is working out perfectly so far. I was worried it was going to coincide with some plans DH and I had (separate plans actually). Now we can both go do our fun activities (Lilith Fair for me and Golf Weekend for him) while I'm on my 2WW. Nice to think I have a great distraction already planned to get me through 2WW.

I start my three weeks on the BCP on Saturday. My old friend BCP, it will be a nice little reunion. Hope she clears up my skin while we have this nice little visit. And it looks like my DH can put the IVF through the business so its a write-off, so that's good news as well. Now all we need is the extra special good news following the 2WW. Please keep us in your prayers for the middle of June. I was so excited to read some posts lately of fellow IF sisters who have just delivered or just about to deliver and also a IVF sister who just announced a positive beta. Gives us all hope ladies.

Picturing It

I can picture it so clearly. Me, big and preggers in a green maternity top with a sweater cardigan. This is the image I use when I do my visualization. I'm putting the message out there, that my true desire is to be pregnant and I can picture my beautiful baby with black hair and big brown eyes like my DH. I'm feeling really good lately, about the whole situation. Just counting down the days till I call the IVF nurse to let her know my cycle started and that I want to get on with this. A little stressed though, cause I don't know for sure if they will let me start. I really really hope they do. Putting your fertility is someone else's hands is just as stressful as leaving it in your own. Many uncertainties either way.

I was watching this movie called Motherhood today with Uma Thurman, haven't finished it yet but she is an overwhelmed mother in New York. She mostly talks with other mothers about how hard it is to be a mother and she has this husband who doesn't help her too much. I was watching and thinking will I be like that in a year, complaining about motherhood and taking for granted all I've gone through with IF???
NO WAY! One thing I can say for sure is when you've struggled like all of us with IF, I don't think we would take any of it for granted. Sure, we might complain because everyone has the right to do so -- no matter how badly and to what lengths you went through for your child. But I will relish all my time as a mother because I believe it will go pretty fast...18 years and they are on their own. Then I will enjoy being their friend.

Free As A Bird

I finished my last exam today, and so comes the end to my first year of Library Technician schooling. It was a good year, I did really well and I am looking forward to working in this field. So, now comes the waiting and anticipating the start of IVF. Whether or not I really get to start in May and all that comes with that. I have lots of plans for things I want to do over the summer cause I won't be working (just to make life easier with the IVF stuff).

• Gardening
• Taking a quilting course
• A couple of trips (one to Vegas with DH/Step-daughter, one to Kelowna)
• Get Ruby into a Pet Therapy program
• Maybe adopt another dog
• Do an online course for school
• Number acupuncture visits to co-ordinate with IVF
• Keep doing my daily visualization and meditation
• Just visit with people and enjoy the warm weather

Is that enough? Gotta keep myself busy especially in the next month, so I don't go crazy with thinking about whether IVF will work or not. Oh, and the leg numbness thing has dissipated, thank goodness. Don't worry I'll probably have some other weird symptom next week.

Weird Symptoms

OK, I hate being a hypochondriac but weird symptoms always happen to me. This week I've been experiencing numbness in my left foot. Its not totally numb but just mild pins and needles constantly. So, thanks to the hypochondriac-inducing thing known as the Internet I now think I have a variety of diseases. Diabetes, or some sort of neuropathy were the first to spring out at me on wrongdiagnosis.com. But I'm just going to chill and see what some days of major rest do for me. I only have one exam left next week and its going to be open book, so nothing major. Then its time for me to relax and start preparing for IVF. Get myself in tip-top shape physically and mentally. I wanted to start IVF this month but the clinic said I still had to be on the waitlist until next month. Hope there aren't any more delays, ready to see what IVF can do for me. This is our last chance. We are basically only going to do one IVF then move on with life.

My Arch Nemesis

Well, I was out for the count this week when my arch-nemesis came back into town ---Strep Throat. I usually get it once a year and its just the worst. You feel like you're going to die and you can't even swallow or enjoy food. The three days before I got my antibiotics were hell. You get sick of pudding and soup real fast. I feel better now, still have a residual dry cough. And Aunt Flo is back in town and I need to go for the AFC test. Of course, this has to land in the middle of stuff I can't miss (in order to go to the clinic), a test and a group project at school. So, I'm hoping and praying that they fit me in on the one day I can go. This test has to be done between CD2-4 and if I call tomorrow that would be Sunday to Tuesday and my Sunday and Tuesday mornings are both booked up. I can always get it done next month because I have decided to start the IVF process then but just want to get it checked off the list.

Talked with DH about the 'guilt' of the money. I wanted to make sure the spending of the IVF money was not going to leave a guilt-stain on us forever. I guess he can let go of it more easily than I can. Of course, if we succeed then the money will be a forgotten thing replaced by all our massive joy! But if its not successful how do you deal with the fact you are still childless and have just parted with some major bucks. I guess I just have to look at it as a wild trip to Vegas or something. Though hoping lady luck is really on our side this time and that the house loses.

Spring Has Sprung...well sort of

Glad, glad, glad that I was able to talk to the IVF co-ordinator who let me know I'm set up for May. I just have to do that AFC test in the next couple weeks and then call her at the same time to let her know when my CD1 was (is). I was reading up on IVF in one of my books and from what I gather I would be starting the nasal spray around ovulation time. All this fertility stuff feels like playing rugby most of the time. What I mean is, I have never played rugby and even though I sat through the movie, Invictus (and essentially watched two hours of rugby), I still have no idea how that game is played. So, while I've read up on the basics of IVF, I don't think I will ever really know what exactly is going on until I experience it.


Of course, there is suppression, then stim phase, then retrieval, then transfer but it all seems like some far off expedition into the Himalayas until you are there. I can see how other bloggers have described this phase of the infertility journey as having much anticipation mixed with trepidation. I myself am freaking a bit about the anesthesia thing. I have never been put under for anything, and have some fear about that process. Going to sleep...doesn't sound that bad does it?


I've started a new phase in my Eastern medicine regime. We are now targeting my Kidney Yang deficiency, so I'm taking new herbs (in pill form this time which is a nice change from the tea). And boy did I feel like a super pin cushion at my last acupuncture treatment, luckily I was lying on my stomach and didn't see the field of needles covering my back, legs and feet. I don't have a problem with the needles but having that many poked in results in alot of them not entering painlessly. The herbs are 2 pills, three times a day so that is alot to remember. Well, better to get use to (a routine) because I will probably be stabbing myself multiple times a day when this whole riggameroll gets started.
Oh, and its snowing again! Just when we thought we were free and clear for Spring. Now we have to go through the mucky phase again. Spring please spring soon.

Beautiful Uterus

Yes, that's what my RE told me yesterday. "What a beautiful uterus", this is the same guy who told me I had the ovaries of a teenager. Now, is this guy just trying to pick me up or get me pregnant. I hope its the later. Everything was A-OK with the SIS, although it was bloody uncomfortable for me with my retroverted uterus. Lots of trouble getting the catheter in. I have major catheter-anxiety now, cause all my IUI's were unpleasant and I was never really convinced they got it in there. At least with IVF they use the ultrasound to make sure its in the right place.

Found out that I have to do the AFC test again. Great, next month I have to go back for this, didn't know it had to be updated every six months....what a pain. I called the IVF line to make sure I will be able to do the IVF in May. While the doctor says it should be OK, haven't really got a confirmation yet. They require all these tests to be done first. I have been feeling really tired with the whole daylight savings thing and just getting use to the season change. I find summer kind of tiring cause you never get the same amount of sleep as you do in the winter. Wishing daily that all the snow would melt faster, its getting there. Looking forward to starting up my garden again, and curious if any of those tulips I planted in fall will bloom.

One more test to go

So, I'm sitting here thinking I got all my ducks in a row and IVF is not too far off, but what looms in the back of my mind is what will happen on Tuesday. Its the last test I have to do before we can start the IVF in May. Its the SIS, which basically is an in depth look at my uterus - for any major fibroids or abnormalities. You would think this test would be done before the IUI's too, doesn't really make sense to do IUI's if your uterus is sub-optimal cause then you are really fooling yourself. It will be interesting yet devastating to find out if I have some major abnormality after all this time.

Reading some books on visualization, keeping me focused on my goal. Doing visualization of myself pregnant and telling myself that I am. It states that all affirmations we say to ourselves must be in the present tense, so its kinda weird to keep saying to myself - I am pregnant. I also had a dream that I saw my newborn baby, it was pretty cool he looked like DH. But another part of the dream a different baby, not ours (that looked really deformed) fell from its hospital cradle onto the floor. That was really strange and frightening. Dreams...hard to know what to take from them. Hope I get to see my baby again real soon, cause he was gorgeous.

Blueprints for IVF

I was glad to finally have my appointment with my RE to discuss IVF. So, its a go! He actually suggested doing another 3 rounds of IUI was an alternative as well. I was totally not into that, as the low success rate and I just can't do this for much longer. He stated that the IVF success rate for us would be about 40%, which I thought was pretty good considering my age. He also didn't see any reasons for it not to go well, as I respond really awesome to stims and DH's SA is top notch. We decided that May would probably be the best time to start as I will be done school and I'm not planning on working for the summer. So, the next two months is just me getting in tip top Rocky Balboa type shape (fertility speaking). I started up with my acupuncture treatments yesterday and I am going to commit to some more visualization and relaxation exercises daily. Got to be mentally tip top too! DH is afraid I will be going a little crazy once I'm on all those hormones. Be afraid honey, be afraid.

Waiting for My Womb to Change

Just a waiting....again. Appointment to discuss IVF with my doctor is next week. That actually came alot faster than I thought. I still have to do the SIS test though. I could have done it this month but as fate would have it, the test fell on the time when we were in Las Vegas. DH and I went to Las Vegas over Valentines. It was lovely, it was wonderful to spend some quality time with my sweetie and not even discuss or worry about IF. I had cappuccinos and dessert everyday, and we found a sushi buffet to die for. We went to see Jersey Boys, which was fantastic and while I didn't win any big money, DH was winning like crazy. I swear that guy has a horseshoe up his butt. It was only 3 days, but a so needed break.

I'm feeling good and positive towards taking the step to IVF. I've been doing visualization exercises by writing and drawing pictures of what I want. "I WANT TO BE PREGNANT in 2010", "I WILL GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BABY", drawing pictures of my future pregnant belly. I hear visualization is a powerful thing and I want to get it working for me.

Blame Game

Eleven days until the 2WW is over and I am paranoia-city, but managing it better than usual. I was doing some yoga and did a twisting pose and of course 30 seconds after I did it I gasped! I shouldn't be doing twisting poses, but it was already done and if there is a little one inside (less than 1 mm) I'm sure one twist isn't disaster. I got over this quite easily where as a few months ago I would have obsessed for days.

I also have been taking some digestive enzymes with my supper, just because I've had digestion issues in the past and I want to get the most out of my food these days. I decided to read the bottle again for some reason, and lo and behold it read "Do not take if you are pregnant". Great I thought, been taking them for the last week.

What do you do? There are so many little ways you can think and read about how you are doing things to make this pregnancy not happen. Its such a blame game and I'm so sick of it!! Basically, I'm getting to the headspace of the fact, the real fact that I'm old and my fertility chances are slim because of that. And its no ones fault that I'm old, that's life --this is where I ended up trying to have a baby in my life and I have to get rid of the guilt for everything else. And there was no way of me trying when I was younger because I just met my one and only DH at this stage of life. Basically, I can try to be the best healthiest me I can be and that will help tremendously but only IVF is probably going to make this happen if its going to happen. Time to get rid of the Blame Game!

Third One's A Charm

"Third One's A Charm", is what the nurse said to me today. Sayings like that I think should be banned from fertility clinics. We, Infertiles already hear enough cliche sayings day in and day out. Third and final IUI finally done. Used the in the bra technique to take the specimen jar to the clinic, thanks Betty Rubble : ) So, that part went pretty smoothly though DH's sample had like way less count than usual. Have to say that must be due to transport.

Though something always has to happen to make me think, great it didn't work. So, at this clinic an intern doctor usually does your first IUI, then a nurse will do the others. But on my second IUI the nurse had a heck of a time trying to insert the catheter so my doctor had to do it. This time another nurse was going to do it when I told her my concern, she told me she is the one who does the IUI training with most of the interns. I was OK with that at first, but then she sensed my hesitation and said she would get the intern doctor to do it.

After waiting 20 minutes for this doctor who looked young enough to be my teenage niece she inserted it pretty quick. But of course, my mind is reeling like she didn't know what she was doing since it took my real doctor a few more minutes last time. Then through the thin walls of the clinic I heard the intern doctor asking that nurse about (how) doing the insertions!!!! I should have just let that nurse do it. Oh well, I'm not going to dwell but really why can't I just leave one of these feeling --Yes, they did their part correctly now let nature take its course.

Hurry Up and Wait

Since I only got one ovary going for the gold this month, my follicles got growing alot faster than usual. On Friday, CD8 my dominant follicle was already at 17 cm and I was told to take Ovidrel on Saturday night. First I thought wow my lucky day I only had to go through one pen of Gonal-F. Wrong, they wanted me to do another shot on Friday night which means I had to get another $300 pen for just one shot. I won't be using the pen again cause this is my last IUI, then I'm on the wait list for IVF. Oh well, just when you thought you saved $300 bucks. Bright side is this IUI will done way faster than usual and if it doesn't work I have plenty of time to get in the other tests they want done before IVF consult on March 3rd.
More tests, oh joy! I guess I have to do a SIS (also known as a hysterosonography) and more blood work. DH is suppose to do another SA but I don't understand why because don't they pretty much do a SA every time we do IUI? Have to ask about that.
Tomorrow morning 8:30 is my IUI, DH wants to do his donation at home this time. Which stresses me a bit since I have to drive at rush hour with a specimen jar between my legs (and its going to be way cold tomorrow too). What do you do? I'm trying not to drive him crazy with all this stuff so I have to give him some leeway on some things. Wish me luck -- been sending my request to the universe to make this happen this time!

On Second Thought

Ok, so I got out of the depressed fog I was in for Christmas and New Years and I am back to being the optimistic but realistic me. I know I said I was dead set against doing another IUI, but after my emotions subsided and I did some research (yes, more research -- like I haven't been reading about this stuff non-stop for two years), I decided going for the third IUI was worthwhile.

Last Friday was CD1 and on my B U/S I actually got to see my OWN doctor. This doesn't happen very often at this clinic, you get to see who ever is around. In December I kept getting that b#?tch lady who kept calling my developing follicles "the litter". I finally got to see Dr. M, who I really love. I ended up having a cyst in my right ovary - most probably follicular. Dr. M said it was my choice if I still wanted to do the IUI, because I'd mostly be getting action only out of my left ovary. I said this is my last one anyway, so lets go for it. I already have an appointment in March with Dr. M to discuss IVF, I told him that and he offered to send me the IVF info ahead of time. That really eased my worrying because the time/waiting factor is always my biggest stressor.

The IVF package stated that my chances are low for success, not a big surprise with my age but I'm willing to try anyways. The sticker shock wasn't that bad $5100 for IVF plus drugs (expensive yes, but close to what I thought). And of course I read the other words I dread "Waiting List", and panic set in. See waiting list at this clinic feels like a lifetime...which I do not have to spare. I emailed him back and asked to be put on the waitlist before my March appointment...call back said YES! So, that made me so happy and not having to worry about getting on the waitlist, blah, blah ,blah. I don't exactly know how long the wait is yet, I will ask tomorrow at my ultrasound.

I've also started listening to meditation/relaxation hypnosis every day. I give myself 20 minutes to listen to the APP I've downloaded on my ipod and just be totally relaxed. It is really helping me to have a more positive attitude, I recommend the ones by Andrew Johnson (nice soothing Scottish voice). I also love the Infertility podcasts I've downloaded to my ipod, although some of them had started a couple of years ago it seems they started out struggling with IF and have become pregnant over the course of their podcasting. Just like alot of the blogs I follow, many are soon expecting their first babies. I have to look at that as a good sign that it can happen!

Blog summary: feeling optimistic again, getting the next steps organized, affirming to myself daily "it will happen"

Getting Back to Me

And I don't mean I only like to talk about me....but this blog is only about me, so who am I kidding. What I really mean is I'm starting to feel good again and that comes with making decisions. Decision to not do IUI this month, decision to get back to things that make me feel good. I went out and bought a meditation pillow for the spare room (you all know of the one I speak, the room that is empty and waiting for its oh so tiny occupant). I've decided to make this into my 'Serenity Room'. And don't think I'm all fancy schmancy with my so-called meditation pillow. I was looking for a large enough pillow so I could sit on it and lean my back to the wall, so I can practice meditation. The only pillow I found large enough for this, was a dog bed. Luckily I was able to find one with a nice pattern on it and no paw prints. I downloaded some relaxation and meditation Aps to my ipod and off we go. The goal is to do some meditation/relaxation every day. Clear my mind of the constant chatter of Infertility Woes. I've tried meditation before and have found it a bit challenging, hoping my room will inspire me. I plan to get a nice comfy chair in there soon, so I can read in there as well. Would like to get some nice prints on the walls too. So in the words of George Constanza, Serenity Now.

Deciding to take a break --Then move to the big leagues

I'm really in decision mode right now, my head is always spinning. Not that my head has stopped spinning in the last 3 years. I'm just not convinced that another IUI is worth putting my body, spirit, mind and money into. I cannot see my RE until March 3 to discuss changing treatment (to remind you, that in Canada that's how it works--long waits to see your RE), so ridiculous. Anyhoo, I could do another IUI this month and then see him to decide to move on to IVF. But I just don't see the point, I've been reading so much about how IUI really isn't worth it for women my age. So, why not take a few months off and prepare my body for the invasive-ness of IVF.

Then comes the decision of when to 'call it a day', and move on. I'm talking child-free living here, people. Two and a half years ago, that was not even a thought in my mind that there would be no little one in our house. Of course, the adoption alternative comes to mind but I don't really think that is going to be an option for us. Adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing but you have to have a calling for it. It's a road that I might see myself going down, but I know DH does not. It will be the hardest adjustment and loss to accept a new child-free life, I hope I can make it through and still be me.